Letter to David MainaFebruary 15, 2021
I feel like a weakling for admitting all this. I am probably going to regret this by midnight. I feel like a ghost in a world full of love.
Constantly running through time to find the most sacred spark in such a black world.The emptiness I feel is a hollowness, I can’t tell you whats worse. It’s like a dark void that no amount of money nor words can ever fill. I have been a plastic doll painted with a happy face because all that is just pretence. This emptiness creeps my soul out.
I have raw emotional scars that outset any real burn and you know what’s the worst part is? That if I told you, you would probably think l am after sympathy but maybe all l am craving for is a little compassion. In compassion lies your true self, the part of life that nature can never steal from you.
Maybe I just want you to listen or maybe I just need some one to be there for me too. Maybe I just want to be loved too. Do you understand the power of love? I know you know about it but do you fully understand it? The power of love brings hope and that’s what I needed to fill my emptiness. Another day of drowning. A cold wash that only I can feel.
I feel like as days go by l am hitting rock bottom and I am afraid that I am never going to find a reason to get up. It’s clear that l have never been a subject of interest to any of you that is why it took you all so long to realise that I was loosing it, to realise that my problems were like a net that kept promising me to drown me to briny depths that I was dying inside. On God! I was such a lively soul. Right now I have lost self-control, maybe the part of my brain exerting control is already tired.
The anger in me is like swallowing a fire seed and forgetting to drink water it only keeps getting hot. I have not much time left and my end is coming soon, I know it, I can feel it. You see the thing is my soul has been at the sea for too long that it has forgotten what it feels like to be on land. I have done so much I have felt so much and I don’t want to keep on hurting. My heart advises me to stop here.
I guess am not going to regret this by midnight because this is practically it. I am still wondering why it took you this long to realise how it really felt to be me. I wished I felt a little loved may be I would have found hope to keep trying. Auf’ Wiedersehen!