CONFESSION TO MY EXOctober 8, 2020
We do not know what we have until it’s gone. I used to doubt the logic of that statement but not anymore. I sometimes miss you and the little things that you used to do for me. If anything, sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out to be if we did not take the break. Could we have been the ” Couple goals” or sad and miserable in love.
It’s been four years since I told you that I needed a break from us. Since then you’ve been on my tail asking why I had to give up on us and my choral verse of “You deserve better”, doesn’t seem to have bore any fruits. It’s for that reason and many more that I’m writing hoping that you’ll finally get the closure that you deserve.
I know you thought or still think that I did not love you and I cannot blame you for thinking that. I mean it’s only human to feel unloved and disappointed when the person you loved wakes up one day and tells you that it’s over between you two and that they need a break. Exactly what I told you then. Infact, I’m not going to plead my case. I know I sounded mean and cold when I looked you in the eyes and made it clear that I have no love left to keep the relationship going. But the truth is, I was scared. Scared of hurting myself, hurting you, not being able to love you with the same intensity that you loved me with, afraid of being too attached and losing my sense of self-independence, scared of disappointing you.
Forever is what you wanted and I was not sure whether I wanted the same for myself. Still undecided. Yeah I know, I have always been certain of what I wanted in my life but not when it came to the love part of it. Precisely why I had to set you free. So that you may find another who’ll love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Truth be told, you were a great partner. An awesome lover and a real gentleman. More reason why I was scared of continuing to be in a relationship with you. You were too good in all aspects of your being. Too much for me. You committed yourself to loving me with all my scars and flaws and not once did you ask me to change anything in the name of love. You were always there for me even when I did not need you to be. I still ask myself how is it that you found it easy to stick by my side even when I told you not to.
I remember when you surprised me on my birthday and wanted to take me out but I turned you down because I had to go out with my friends! Even after that, you still loved me the same. Not to forget the countless gifts that you spoilt me with while getting none from my side. What a shame!
The heart wants what it want, explains why you still think or even believe that I’m the one for you. Sounds absurd though, considering how much pain I have put you through. It’s about time that you reconsider your feelings for me and put yourself and your happiness first. You need to learn to love again and get over the illusion of us ever being a thing for I ain’t in a position to reciprocate the feelings that you have for me.
You’ve always said that I’m selfish and I only think of myself. You were right about that. But at least I’m honest. I said it then and even now, you deserve so much BETTER. Better love, a better partner, better commitment and appreciation. And as unfortunate as it may sound, I’m not the BETTER HALF that you think I am. And I’m okay with that. I just hope that you’ll finally accept that we were never meant to be.