THE LOVE I NEVER HAD (version 11)

Love is a beautiful thing they say and I agree with that, but love can also be so confusing especially when you’re in love with someone and you do not have the courage to let that person know how you feel.

Dre was the guy that I fell in love with sometime back. He was everything I ever wished to have for a partner. He was so fine in every way and his chivalry was top notch. His only shortcoming was that he was a bit shorter than the height I preferred but that didn’t stop me from not falling for him.

Whereas I love my man tall, dark and handsome, I must acknowledge that Dre was the opposite for he was a bit short, brown skinned but handsome. Not so much my type of guy but there I was, yearning for him with my every being. His type of handsome was from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions of his voice. His generous opinions and his soothing touch upon my hands. Not to forget the well masculine body especially his arms, they were perfectly toned and I could see his every vein when he would roll his sleeves. And did I mention how deep his voice was? Well, now you know.

When I first saw him, I was so certain that I wanted him for myself selfishly and was willing to do anything just to get his attention. Luckily Dre turned out to be friends with a friend of mine who introduced us and that’s how we ended up as friends, close friends.

As time went by I grew so fond of him and I sensed that he did too because we would spend so much time together. We went out for dinners at his favorite restaurants and afterwards head to a snack joint to grab ourselves some dessert, frozen yogurt to be precise. He made me feel special through his minute romantic ways like how he would hold my hands as we walked down the street, he would check on me countless times during the day and he would drop by my place more than enough times just to say hi. He became my confidant and I became his, we shared so much stories, both the good and the bad, our dreams and nightmares and what fueled us up in life. My heart convinced me that I had met my better half but my mind wasn’t so sure, not that I paid attention anyway.

Life felt so good then and butterflies seemed to be the only thing I would see for the better part of the day not to mention the goosebumps that I would feel at night as we would stroll around, gazing at the stars as he tucked me in his arms. Every moment with Dre felt like it was one of those bollywood episodes where he was the Sharukhan and I, Kareena Kapoor sitted outside in the middle of the night wishing the night lasted forever. (anyone that knows me knows that I’m always asleep by 9) but with Dre I sacrificed everything, including my sleep.

I was in love. The type of in love that involves your heart, your mind, your soul, your nails, hair and teeth. In other words; stupid in love. And so I had made up my mind that I would let Dre know how I felt about him, and may I make it known that he was the first and the last guy that I was going to Shoot my shot for. He became a prize that I believed I would win. For him I promised to give my heart and keep his safe because that’s the way I wanted it to be, the only way it should have been.

One evening, Dre came by my place and found me outside doing my laundry. He then asked to charge his phone for a short while and offered to help me with my laundry. I know you’re wondering what type of a guy would be willing to do that? My Dre was more than willing. I thought to myself this is the perfect time to let the love of my life know how I felt about him. The set up gave me morale as it would be romantic to wash and splash water on each other as we poured out our feelings.

So when Dre came back and started helping out, my confidence withered, my body became numb and my voice let me down. Could you guys believe it, I started to stammer! The day that I was so much waiting for was here but now I cannot even bring myself to explain how I felt. “Fatma are you okay” he asked. Standing there I could literally feel myself choking on my own words, “I….I…I need to get some water” as I rushed into my room to get a glass of ‘water’. By now, we all know that it was not water that I needed, but rather, courage was.

Sitted on my bed, I’m so dissapointed in myself for not being able to pour out my feelings once and for all. No one ever told me that opening up would be this hard, not even the memes. As I’m still thinking whether I should go outside and tell Dre everything, I accidentally or on purpose spot his phone and as always my dark side tempts me to check it out. Not catfishing or anything but just to be sure that it’s actually charging. I make sure to lock the door so that he doesn’t bump into me with his phone in my hands. Dre wasn’t so much into passwords so that made things easy for me.

My fingers find it’s ways into his contact list, and as I go through it I come across some number saved as “soulmate”. Suddenly my heart beat increases and I can’t help but think “could it be that he has saved me as his soulmate?, could the feeling be mutual between us?” I’m both excited and scared at the same time. Going into details of the contact and guess what, jokes on me, that’s not my number saved as soulmate but some other Chiles.

Even before I could digest that heartbreaking discovery, I come across another different number saved as “Babe” and then another one as “Mine” and the list continues on and on. His messages are a whole different kind of heartache. Too much sex chats and lovey dovey voice notes. At this point I feel hopeless and helpless because as it turned out he is a WOMANIZER. Have always known that he was everything I wanted but the idea of having a womanizer for a boyfriend was not what I wanted for myself, not even in my worst dreams, I considered it to be the lowest of the low and for me any man that wasn’t satisfied by one woman was nothing more than a broken record that needed to be avoided by all means.

And as unfortunate as it may sound, Dre was one big broken record that I had to let go of before he could be my bitter half.