THE LOVE I NEVER HAD (version 13)

You did so well in messing up with my feelings.You did so well trust me. l understand that was nothing compared to the girls you like. You made me believe that l had a face only a mother could love and even ugly betty had nothing on me.”l used to feel sorry for myself until l saw” this words forever linger in my mind like a copy of a printed book. Sadness drained through me rather than skating over my body.

Was this how love was supposed to feel? You made me believe that we could have had something good between us during our very first times. Were you just playing mind games? l describe this kind of sadness like the death of a thousand flower petals pluck, for every time l remembered how hurt l was l pluck a petal but none of this killed me but overtime the accumulation bled me of the humanity l once had.This sadness tainted all that could bring me joy and relief. l cannot deny that l was even a victim of suicidal thoughts during certain days. l shook my head vigorously pounding it against the wall so that my thoughts could dislodge themselves because they drove me insane and turned me into a monster.

There are days when you were asleep, l held a knife on my innocent hands wanting to get rid of your life but l remembered l was not God and also the consequences I’d face. This thoughts became my tormentors, toture escapable only by forceful sleep. Everytime l thought of running away, adrenaline would flood my system – it would pump and beat like its trying to escape because l knew you would do something extremely bad to me. You see, its not predictable anger or pain that is worst,its this. Forgive me for not telling you this horrible guy’s name. Pardon my manners, may be hate is consuming me as l write.His name is Brian.

After some time this guy developed some very weird disease. He would have a severe dry cough, difficulty in breathing, fever, loss of taste and headache. He later died its only recently that l came to know that it was Corona virus. I won’t deny his death brought me sadness because l thought God will answer my prayers and change him to be a better man for me. It also brought me so much relief because this was a gate way out of a toxic relationship. Years passed and l felt like l was done healing from wounds that l just can’t put into concept. Atleast thats what l thought.

l met this man Hamisy. He was handsome from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions of his voice. He was handsome from his generous opinions to the touch of his hand upon mine. He has the kinda face that stopped you in your tracks. You feel me? He has a dead give away smile. He is no doubt the man of every girl’s dream. The problem is everytime l try to give in and let myself be loved l remember of Brian and suddenly l hate him so much, suddenly his not handsome, suddenly l don’t want him around, suddenly l become extremely angry and rude, suddenly my heart is filled with so much bitterness.

After all these years, could this mean that l had not healed? Was all this because of the love l never had? I guess its only right to say that time does not necessarily heal wounds. Healing only comes to those that choose to heal.What should l do with John? Was all this because of the love l never had?

…to be continued