THE LOVE I NEVER HAD (version 9)

Ever taken a bullet for someone only to realize they’re the very person behind the gun? I guess not, but if you have, I hope you understand why I chose to be hang on a beam balance. I mean, we’re all familiar with “the heart wants what it wants”. This was my position a few months ago, when I fell head over heels in love with this fine boy. By fine I mean, all the outrageous characters I wanted in a man, he surely possessed them.

So, I spotted him in the hockey pitch when I just joined school, he was the goalkeeper of the ‘Wazito Team’ as they were known, because of the huge chest most players had. Seeing him defend the cork from finding its way into the goal post for me was a foreshadow of how he would defend our love. I mean, I was certain he would notice me especially because of the random chants during their matches. I’d make sure I mentioned his name. Did I tell you he was the reason I joined women’s hockey team? At this point, you must be full of admiration for me. No, I had just corked the gun without my knowledge and it was soon to go off.

Two days into joining the team, I was finding it hard to learn the basics and everyone in the team was literally about to get fed up with me. Holding the hockey stick was a challenge, hitting the cork was a challenge, defending was a challenge, so, why exactly was I struggling? I should have sat down and accepted the fact that I could not make a good hockey player. Little did I know that my crush had noticed my woes and had come to my rescue. I can’t explain the feeling, but it was epic.

The thought of being able to train with him alone was getting me excited. I knew that this was an opportunity granted to me and I had to work something out. Perhaps borrow a few things from Netflix, it’s wrong to waste good movie moves, right! Say for instance, fake that I’d passed out and needed first aid. You know what would happen if it were in the movies. Do you blame me for being paranoid! I just needed a glimpse of hope to hold on to. We reached an agreement that I would engage in morning runs with him then thereafter join him for a forty-five minutes workout. I did the math, 315 sweet minutes with him in a week, all by ourselves. Who would trade this for anything else!

We followed the schedule as planned and I didn’t hint my intentions in the beginning because I thought the longer I kept in my lane, the more he’ll be drawn to me. When I was confident enough that I had the situation under control, I paraded my first stunt that I had twisted my ankle and I needed help in order to walk. The expected happened. The guy quickly showed concern and administered first aid, soothing not the injured leg but the burning desire within me. To what extent can a man be vulnerable? I was already plotting the next stunt due to the success of the one I had staged earlier. The team began noticing the massive improvement and let’s just say, at that point I earned a spot in the defense team but as a substitute. For me, that didn’t matter as long as I was kept in the loop so as I’d see him. This made me look forward to the evenings because I’d always spend time with him. All this time I knew he felt something for me, I wasn’t certain of the feeling though.

So, one time we’re invited for a friendly match at Dedan Kimathi University, both male and female teams, we all attend. After showcasing our talent and a demonstration of what a prowess I had become, thanks to my crush, we had some time to discuss and interact with other players. I wished this truth had dawned on me earlier, why did Ryan not ask me to sit with him on the bus? Why hadn’t he showed me any signs? I’d always console myself that maybe he was taking his time.

This was meant to happen sooner or later I’d find out if he felt anything for me. I had my way of getting things done and I was sure, I had him by his throat. I get into my bag and collect a note enough to cater for two cons of ice cream, one for me and one for my crush. It wasn’t hard to pick him from the crowd because of his unique afro. I quickly maneuvered my way through the crowd and got to him. The excitement was cut short when I noticed he had company. A petite lady standing by the wall speaking to him distinctly. I didn’t let that bother me; I went ahead to hand the ice cream to him.

Excuse me! We’re in the middle of something serious, our son is sick in hospital…
I didn’t have the energy to listen any further, I quickly turned to my crush who gladly introduced his wife to me. “This is my wife, Nancy, our son isn’t feeling well.” At this point my heart was up my sleeve.

“Wait! Are you kidding me? Why were you always giving in to my advances? I thought you had some feelings for me?”
“Yes, I did, but just as a team player who needed my help. That’s all. I’m sorry Livia, but I love my family.” These were his last words to me that day. He held his woman by the hand and walked away. I was left reminiscing about the time he offered to help me train and I earned myself a spot as a substitute, was that what I was in this case too? Just not good enough. Why didn’t he tell me he’d never be mine? I’m here wishing I had saved myself the trouble I underwent all those cold mornings.

Nowadays, I don’t crush on people anymore. I just don’t go trying to find love, I’ve accepted to wait until loves finds me.