BY YOUR GRAVESIDEApril 9, 2020
I was getting ready to go to our favorite spot where you were most peaceful and I with you. It was our sixth year anniversary; too long huh. The whole house had exciting memories of us. The living room reminded me how you used to beat me in every game. The balcony was our favorite spot to take photos. The kitchen, where you displayed your culinary arts expertise which I was never good at. The bedroom, I guess our favorite room, from pillow fights to cuddling to having great life-changing sex which I had never imagined of.
In my entire life I thought I would never meet a man who was loving, caring, and kind. You changed me not entirely but what I am is mostly because of you. You made me love once again, be free and accept myself. You never judged anyone by their faults or past and didn’t expect me to change my ways so as to please you, that’s rare to find today.
I passed by our favorite café, where we first met and the experience was too good that you took me there for our first kiss. I arrived at our favorite spot; your grave. Yours because you had never found peace in your entire life nor the most peaceful place around but being buried must be peaceful now. Mine because I felt your presence.
We would be celebrating our anniversary if not for my foolish actions that led to your accident. One thing had led to the other and I am full of regrets. As I looked at your grave I asked myself ‘Would you forgive me?’ ‘Would you still love me if you survived?’. I wished I didn’t bring up the argument, I wished I didn’t ask , no , demand for you to leave, I wish you didn’t get in the car, I wish you had not have driven off angry and I wish I had stopped you. But if wishes were horses beggars would ride and if asking too much was begging then I hope I would earn my wish.
I miss you every day, wish you could embrace me tightly ; close to you, heat from the contact of our chests, the deep smell of your cologne and most of all to hear the heartbeat of your heart, each pulse making me smile. I’m a dreamer and a wisher but you knew that, that’s why you bought our dream house and my dream car. I never thought losing someone would inflict so much. The worst part is losing someone and a piece of them remains in an unexpected time.
The news of your death shocked me and made me unconscious. The doctor told me it was because of the horrible news and I was lucky as I did not get a miscarriage. You were going to be a dad. Things had happened too fast. We have an argument on kids; it ends up to your death and the gift of a new life. Thought I was always careful, we were careful but for the great pleasures in life comes consequences although I never thought consequences could be blessings.
In everything there are lessons, achievements, defeats and a lot of weirdness. As I stared at your grave it is a reminder of a lot and a lot to take in. How life can never be as you planned or as one can think although has a lot to offer. One thing might be taken from you and something greater can come in. I have to learn on motherhood, single parenthood and coping up with losing you.
Our son would not be able to know you but I will do my best to teach him what I learned from his great father. Reality is a bit shocking but we deal with it, that’s what you once taught me and I never knew a time would come where I have to put it into practice. My life is now a complete understanding of everything happens for a reason.
As I stared at your grave one more time continuously wishing you actually were by my side for once on that day after five months of losing you and having your baby, I realized it was time to go the hard way and adapt to the changes but always have you in my mind to use your wise words as guidance. I know I won’t be ready to answer questions like ‘Will you move on?’ but I guess it’s time to stop listening to the rhythm, face the music and admit to the real life. A feeling of pride and hope came to me and I felt a bump, I guess your son felt it too and we both agreed.