A HABITUAL OVERTHINKERSeptember 7, 2020
A habitual overthinker. Yes, that’s what l am and what l have always been. The type that lets anxiety thoughts drive over and over, faster and faster. Most of the times my thoughts don’t really ride on a good road. What is worse is that l am a static thinker. You know the type that
is tied into binary thinking. The other day, l noticed that freedom of speech comes with responsible use of freedom of thought. When your thoughts are filled with empathy your
words grow wings and that’s a fact. I didn’t know all this until recently. I will tell you about a situation so dear to me.
“Hey baby, don‘t tell me you are not coming over for the weekend again”, read the text on the pop up notification. Don’t ask me what l was doing with someone else’s phone. It’s like Sautisol sang the insecure purposely for me. This lady here is so
insecure. I was broken and really shattered. I felt like l had been robbed off the tape to keep my calm together. “You mean he has been visiting someone else over the weekends? You
mean l am not good enough? Is it because this quarantine is slowly messing with my body shape? For how long has this been going on?” Endless thoughts crisscrossed my entangled mind. What if what we have was just an entanglement? Like the Jada~Alsina shit. I tried to swallow the anger when it was a fired seed because I knew he was almost done with his shower.
I quickly returned the phone at the exact position and brought one of the best smiles one could ever put on. I forgot to drink something cool so the fire seed grew in my belly and l could feel it come as hot as any dragon has ever flamed. “Hey boo, something came up and I really need to rush home”, l said as l rushed for the door. I couldn’t wait to reach home. The
kind of pain l was feeling crushed me and leaving me broken in and out. It felt like someone reaching inside me and pulling my guts with bare hands. It was like being ripped rather than
being cut so intensely that you don’t even know if the feeling will ever leave you.
l tried getting up from my bed but quickly realized how futile it was. I had to bite my lips to keep myself from crying out. A sharp pain lanced through my head as tears flashed out of my eyes. I felt like my whole body had been beaten and every movement caused some muscles to ache. I felt so betrayed. I was a sad soul. This sadness was my albatross. It lay like a dirty snow over every other emotion, greying my spirit and tainting all that could bringme joy.
Just like any other normal human being, l wanted to give him a piece of my mind so l wrote one of those lengthy texts. “Hey Craig, so this is how you payback for all the goodness
l have always showed you. All the times l have stuck with you. All the bad days, l still chose to be with you. How could you cheat on me with the stupid girl you call Mamushka? What
about all the promises we made to each other? Had all that been a joke? It’s okay, l hope you find greener pastures.
Immediately I pressed the send button and what came afterwards
still shocks me to date. “I thought you were mature, you now want to compete with my mom.
That’s some nerve you have young woman. What were you doing with my phone? What’s the point of dating with no trust? You know what? I am so done with you!” Just like that l had lost the love of my life. Hivyo tu imagine! What I’m saying is Iook through the whole situation.
lf l were a dynamic thinker, I would have seen the relationship between
concept rather than being tied to binary thinking. Stop overthinking it kills your happiness.
Never make choices that matter when you are angry. Perhaps, this way your life will turn for the better. I know we might not always make the right choices but if the balance of good to
bad shifts in our favour, everything will be awesome.