August 1, 2020 6 By Ian Elroy Ogonji

Today, you’ll pick her up in a matatu, with the most cheesiest pick up line, “do I know you? Because you look like my next girlfriend.” She will flash a grin, then roll her eyes in shyness. You will pay the fare, then end the colloquy with another bomb, “I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?”

She will give in to your moves, exchange numbers and then leave it for WhatsApp to pick it from there.

Love will grow. After one week, you’ll be calling each other babe, honey and pumpkin, maybe. You’ll be texting all night and day. You’ll feel something, something that will convince you that she is better than Cheryl. Then boom! She plays you – apparently, she had a boyfriend. She was afraid to break your heart, or she assumed you were just flirting. I’m not yet sure which one.

You see, Cheryl was better. You met Cheryl at your elder brother’s Ruracio. She is the cousin to your brother’s wife. She was family (quite already), but you still shot your shot. She loved your neck – she kept on reminding you. She liked how thick it was. How steady it seemed to hold your small head. For some reasons, you took the compliment as a smooth sarcasm.

You loved her, you really loved cheryl. You’d sacrifice your weekend hustle to go see her in Kiambu. Her phone always buzzed with phone calls with funny caller IDs; Jontezz, Kama wa nduthii, Getu wa mae…

Of course, she always picked the call, sashayed outside the crib then came back with a forged grimace on her face. “That’s my mom’s client, he wanted to inquire if there is milk.”

Okay. Your breakup wasn’t that amazing. She introduced you to Kama wa nduthii. Kama actually rode you to the stage after that weekend sleep over. You talked. You talked about football and a pinch of politics – clearly you sucked at politics. You had no content.

On your next visit, you accidentally (or fortunately) met Kama wa nduthii in a compromising position with your girlfriend, Cheryl. Well, that was hurting, but what hurt the most was Kama wa nduthii’s exclamation, “aargh Cuzo yako amekam, hukunisho anakam! (Your cousin is here, you didn’t tell me he was coming.)”

Such is life!

You have no choice but to accept the realism that life punches you with. What did you expect anyway? These nduthii (motorcyclists)guys chew people’s girlfriends. I wouldn’t assert that that’s how they get compensated for offering free rides. No, I won’t say that.

You, son of the soil. Love has not always been on your side. 7 exes on your name are quite many. All twerked on your loyalty. All took you for granted. All forged their love.

You are always attracted to the wrong ones. Or maybe, the wrong ones are always attracted to you. Who is next?

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