LETTERS TO MY EX

I want you to know that in this heartache the sun is nolonger going to shine. Love songs pass as if melody can’t glide through the air as it once did. l want you to know that even if we move to diffrent spheres l hope that you feel that my love is still yours because for those l loved or love l keep them high in my heart.

l still love you so much because l was used to having bad days with you than having good ones with someone else. My brain and heart wanted to tell you this. l would love you if you were kinder, supportive, more attentive to my feelings and more loving. The problem is that when it comes to our emotional bank you take far more than you give and that shit is so disturbing. l felt like you loved me only for my strengths and thats a very big torment. For in my struggle to be what you wanted, what you needed, what you loved, what you admired and what you would proudly brag about there was loneliness,emptiness and isolation that you never noticed. ln my head,l invented every reason to stay. l must admit and l think you’ll agree with me too that l got so creative over time but you kept giving me all reasons to leave. l kept ignoring all the faults you had because love surpasses everything. lt hurts me so much that l have to write about you in past tense when all l wanted was a forever after.

l ignored all the redflags like a lovesick fool or a drug addict dying from an overdose. All l wanted was you to give me something to hold on to. Something like false hopes or beautiful lies. I sometimes replay events in my head and wonder what it is that l did that changed you to something different because you are not the man l fell in love with.

l have always been a giver, warm and loving but right now l feel like you have drained me all my emotions and l doubt if there will be a next because l am done giving multiple pieces of myself and in return they switch it up on me. Yes l am a broken soul and l doubt if l am ever going to tell if people have genuine intentions with me. ln my heart there is a void. A dark void. A never ending dark void that consumes everything so you are left with nothing to feel. l am already soaking this paper with tears because l cannot believe my three year struggle is going to waste. Nothing is okay!

Let not those pictures l take on my gram smiling lie to you that l am okay. You want to know what depression looks like then check out my gram. l am just a plastic hollow doll with a painted happy face revealing no guilt, sadness and emptiness. You’ve left me so much pain and l concider myself decent at hiding it and masking it with normal human emotions. How do l even open up to someone new. How do l get rid of this tattoo on my arm. l sleep and feel like you are still around. How can l numb all my love feelings for you. How can l forget about you.

…to be continued