MY HOME

“My home!… That’s the answer to your questions. “he said squeezing my hand.
I was still trying to wrap my head around that statement and I still couldn’t get it. He’d been admitted in the hospital for about two weeks now. I watched him become happier despite his results getting worse. I was devastated but I couldn’t show him how weak that was making me. I had to be strong for both us. Show hin I had a little hope about us if at all we’d ever have one. I still had no clue what that answer meant.

We had been together for 6 years now heading to the 7th. We decided to travel and enjoy each other’s company for five years before settling down and having children. It was supposed to be easy, traveling, having kids, raising them and finally dying of old age but I guess fate doesn’t give a fuck about your plans.

“You know you don’t have to do that, “
“Do what? “I said looking at him suspiciously
“Pretend with me. I know you are not having an easy time seeing me like this. But it’s just for a while, I’ll be fine, I promise love. “
“Don’t do that too. Don’t promise me something you ain’t certain about. Let’s just live in the moment. And with that, I have to tell you something. “
“You’ll tell me later before you leave. I just want us to spend today like we use to before, with no sad eyes or fake smiles. Let’s be happy today, okay? Come join me. “
“Okay, “

He gave me his hand and I joined him in that tiny hospital bed. Something didn’t feel right. There was just this wave of emotions all over the place, something I hadn’t felt before. I wasn’t sure if it was my tension or I was just having one of those days. I pushed it away.
Seeing him smile and talk about nothings was always my favorite thing whenever we were together. I hadn’t been this close to him since he was diagnosed with leukemia, not that I didn’t want to, but I feared I’ll bot be able to hold my tears anymore. Which I was miraculously doing at the moment.

“Am pregnant. I know you told me to wait until later but I…… ” He kissed me before I could finish, lifted my head, looked me in my eyes and smiled. A smile that warmed my heart and and for a moment I forgot how sad it was being in a hospital bed with the love of your life.

“This is the happiest news I’ve heard this year my love, thank you for giving me endless joy, “he said, “we are still using the name I chose, right? “
“Hell no! There’s no way am giving my child that ugly name, we have to find another one, “
He chuckled, “Tom is a beautiful name you know…”
“There’s nothing beautiful about that. I’d rather leave him nameless “I said laughing
“We’ll get another one princess, as you wish”

I lay on his chest after giving him a kiss, our last kiss, I wasn’t aware that would be the last. I could feel his heartbeat slow it’s pace and his grip grew weaker and weaker. I wasn’t ready to to accept this, at least not after we had just planned about naming our child, something we’d been looking forward to for six years. But as I said about fate, it doesn’t care about your feelings. I heard every heartbeat until it was all over and suddenly I felt paralyzed. Tears just couldn’t stop flowing. This was supposed to be our happy day…the one we smile genuinely, the one we spend talking about how I he lifted me in the kitchen and almost burned us both, the one he found out he was going to be a father and couldn’t stop smiling. He wasn’t supposed to die today.

I couldn’t bring myself to call the doctor, so I just lay there on his chest crying and then it hit me. I remembered the question he was answering earlier. And in the midst of my tears I smiled because it was just beautiful how he still managed to make me happy even when he was already dead. A week ago I had asked him to describe me with just one word and today he said I was his home. Isn’t that beautiful? I wish he stuck around and saw how happy his answer had made me. At least am assured he died next to his happiness, his home,