THE LOVE I NEVER HAD (letter, version 3)

I still remember when I first set my eyes on you, it is a feeling I never want to push away. Your smile that swept me off my feet and your beard that fit perfectly on your face and how you’d tease me about shaving it every damn time, then I’d insist you keep it like it meant a thing to me, oh wait it did~ I had a crush on you.

Since I was just starting my pilgrimage journey that meant I was now going to see you oftenly and wasn’t that a good thing for me? I remember how we started talking, the memory is priceless in my head. It was Wednesday during the normal weekday services, I surge myself in a corner to pray but I didn’t seem to focus. Thoughts of your laughter kept flashing in my head. I got confused, it had been ages since I felt these kinda things. I opened my eyes several times to confirm if you were still in the prayer room, that’s how crazy I got. I went home thinking to myself, sasa huku ni wapi nimejiweka.

I had recently decided that I’m not going to date any guy atleast not until I was done setting my path straight.

That night I remember succumbing to insomnia trying to stalk you but nothing, I found nothing😂, damn this guy was something I thought. No social media accounts, no where to steal a glimpse of him. I didn’t have your number, ofcourse I had people I could ask from but I reminded myself of my decision and that was it. Thursday morning I couldn’t think straight you had dropped down to my heart and occupied my head like I had given consent for that. On that night I decided to let you know, I couldn’t keep it in any longer. So I asked for your number but texted you the following morning😊. I did that very early before you could wake up. I don’t know what I was afraid of, but I knew there was no way back from this; there was no escape.

So I made sure to use that time well, said everything I wanted to say, explained everything in black and white and made sure to mention that i wasn’t in love with you and that it wasn’t going to change a thing, that I needed you to help me pray for all these to fade away😊.

Days passed, we grew close and close. We got to know each other. I remember fantasizing how we were to have so many kids and how you’d be my future husband. Life in my dreams I felt like a princess, like I had all that I wanted. As I set on my pilgrimage I was told that the devil comes in form of everything you ever wanted
Was I letting the devil win? Was I giving him a chance?

I was on a mission and I wasn’t about to trip. So one day you asked if I like you more that just a friend and I denied it😊. You confessed. You said that you had started falling in love with me and that wasn’t your intention. I was once again in a dilemma, I didn’t know whether to be happy because you felt the same way or sad because I was failing on my mission to pursue God. I was afraid of loosing our friendship so we agreed on terms. That I shouldn’t make you feel special and no more long night calls. It was easy to say yes to that. However, I remember how much I cried that night thinking about all the long night calls we had and how your voice made me the happiest girl in the world.

I don’t know whether I should be thanking you right now , but I miss all the days you made sure to bring me lollipops to church and I chose not to give anyone because my Mr Right bought them for me😌. I will remember to tell my kids that these were the best days of my pilgrimage journey because it’s the little things that matter
There is this one specific day that I will forever revisit, that day when we decided to watch movies, I came over to your place,we cooked, watched movies, talked and then I watched you sing.

I hope it’s okay to mention that I love the guy you are when holding the strings. You give me goosebumps everytime you are behind the strings. That day it was just the two of us, I remember taking endless pictures and videos of you as you played them and sang. This was my best role because I got to admire you behind that phone without you noticing it. Did I mention that I loved how you held my hands as you taught me how to play the strings? Your closeness to me made my heart pump like never before( I’m refraining from complicating my language, I want you to notice the simplicity of how you made my heart feel).

I kept growing more and more in love. How was I supposed to tell you? You had just agreed to be my prayer partner but in my heart a different agenda was running. How could I be so cruel? My only mistake was loving. Is it right to blame myself? If no then who is to be blamed?

As you saw me off to stage I didn’t wanna leave, I bet you noticed. Did I have a choice? I doubt😂 I hugged you and wished we could stay interlocked for like forever. It wasn’t my place to decide though.

Days passed and they became weeks. That month alot happened in my heart that I can’t fathom. Every day I saw you I wished I could come running hug and tell you how I felt about you, but I decided otherwise and joked about it. Then Covid19 kicked in, lockdown was here and I didn’t have an option to see you, the calls that had now minimised continued. But the chats, the chats grew lesser because the more days passed without seeing you, the more I grew in love.

I’m not a phone kinda person when I love someone. So we hold the discussion and you try to understand how i feel about you but I was still in denial. One day I ask you to forget that I ever mentioned that I liked you and you don’t seem to have an issue with that~ which hurt a little bit🤦🏾‍♀.

After some days I’m unable to take it in, and I decided to admit that I like you, but I’m confused about the whole thing only to hear you mention that you have someone. ” Sharon you are an adorable lady, but I can only support you from a far because I have someone”. These words came crumbling my heart down, I felt like it was torn into pieces. How could I have missed this detail for this long? How could I have been so blind? Are you asking if I blame you? No, I don’t. I blame myself for being so blind and unsure of myself. But I want to let you know that I just don’t how I can ever undo this. I dated you in my mind for so long. How do people get over a break up when they weren’t even in a relationship?