NOTHING MORE TO FEEL

I wonder how you feel knowing that the first word l got to learn was not your name or anything close to it. Right now fury is vibrating through my being because my resentment towards you grows like a tumor. Yes, you are right being a bitter soul. You messed me up emotionally am drained physically but yet l still smile. Do you even know how l look like? Do you know what it felt like knowing that l was and still is an unwanted child? Was l such a huge mistake? if yes, why did you still choose to bring me to this place? Thought family was supposed to be our safe haven. My soul embodies libraries of untold suffering ask my heart every day to forget these feelings but l guess am too broken to be mended numbed all my feelings because l feel so useless and stupid.

l know all about time and wounds healing but even if l had all the time in this world l still don’t know what to do with this hurt right now. My heart is a prison of trying because l have tried so many ways to forget about you and the pain you caused me but then again pain is like water it always finds a way to pass through any seal you just can’t stop it, l swear. My sadness is more like a river cold and unending. My pain is a hollowness; l can’t tell you what’s worse. What kinda person are you? I really want to know the material your heart was made from. l spent twenty-three years of my life looking for the truth as waves of anxiety and helplessness continued building up slowly and gained momentum as l recalled all the heartbreaking events l have gone through.

All this because of a woman who left me to the cold streets wanting nothing to do with me. l swear l need help because am done maintaining this brave facade, I am tired of feigning toughness and l am also tired of people thinking that l inspire them to be strong while l am breaking inside. Seeing you lying on this ground got my heart cracking like a grass and spreading the broken pieces all over my body. You only have me and no one else. Me that you left to go live a happy life. Me that you did not want. Me that is the only family you now have. Me that is to burry you. Me that has a thousand questions crossing my mind. My paper is soaking with tears because l bet none of you really understands how l actually feel. I can hardly bare this scene. lf life is really a movie could l at least get the honor of choosing how l want my ending. Been longing for this kind of contact with you but l didn’t mean it this way. You dead in my arms and lifeless. It was supposed to be me in your arms feeling the warmth and love that l never got to feel

I guess am just bad luck as everyone says it. Who will answer all my questions? Should l sob myself to sleep? I need answers. No child deserves this kind of feeling so to my ladies make your bed and lie on it. You feel me?