THE LOVE I NEVER HAD (version 1)

Living with a friend is not easy especially if you do not Pay the bills. You just do not know what to tell people where you stay. I mean, the question you have to answer when asked where you are. That dilemma of wanting to say home or at my friend’s place, and then another question follows of ‘who’ and ‘why’, so you just end up saying “am home” even though you know it isn’t your home.

The moment there’s a knock and you happen to receive the door. That awkwardness that crops when you find out it’s the flat agent distributing water bill quotations and so you are there wondering whether to hand it to your friend or place it on the table and sit as if nothing happened. Those moments when electricity tokens get depleted and you got no cash on you. You are not sure whether to call her up to tell her about it and so you sit in the dark waiting for her to get home.

This was me sometime last year, as much as I wanted to hang out with my friends at ‘home’ I just couldn’t. My introverted nature could be mistaken for extraversion for the many times I left the house just to physically catch up with my close friends. Bilhah was nearest at the time. I call her Billie to make her name seem fancier. She is a fan of Billie Eilish. We spent an enormous time with her talking and dancing silly to house music. The genre we both fancy. The crazy things you do with your closest friend. We would download different apps to find out how each one of them works. Thanks to Telkom for its awesome bundle offers. Sometimes we’d be so annoying as to request rides on the bolt app and then cancel the requests after we hang up the phone on the driver. Evil I know and I am so apologetic to the bolt drivers we wasted then.

There’s this dating app that we happened to download, Tantan. It is very familiar especially for those who look forward to finding their specific others in social media platforms, dating sites to be precise. Right before we decided to delete the app already guys had started saying hello. People must be very desperate out there, I thought to myself. Well, I also tend to understand that people have different motives while signing up on those dating apps. Not necessarily to look for a partner. Just like Billie and I, we were up to having fun and breaking the boredom monotony.

Writing this now reminds me of the song by Kenyan Avril and Marya, “tumekuja chokoza”. Perfect application it was then. Alias Ekay was the first to pop up in my inbox and so here we were with Billie deciding whether to replay to his “Hello” or not. To be completely honest he was good looking. He had this appealing dark blue shades with a sky blue shirt written a ‘.com’ on it. Yes, that how vivid I recall it. It’s almost funny how I have a good memory but then bad at names. Staying on the app was not our intention.

We decided that I reply with my contact instead and delete the app. I texted my Safaricom contact that I rarely used then. It was meant for my Gb WhatsApp anytime I needed to go incognito. You ever had those friends you think you’ll never experience them beyond WhatsApp conversations and a few hangouts? Well, Ekay turned out to be one. He had become a version of Jesse that I liked.

You remember Jesse from my previous write right? The conversations grew deeper by day. sometimes I would feel annoyed if he did not call to either check up on me or say goodnight. It was a trend that I had already gotten used to. You don’t just stop doing something you started with me and especially if I like it. It is what my childhood shaped me to become. I did not get much attention when I was growing up and so I tend to embrace every other that I get. It means a lot to me as well. I liked Ekay but I wasn’t ready to meet up with him yet. This happens to me a lot. I get so close with someone visually to the point I think meeting them physically will ruin everything. Also, my introversion plays part in this big time. I turned down his requests to want to see me several times.

He then was based at a hub in 44Githurai engineering department until recently when they were moved to their own office. He would suggest that I go to watch a movie every other time while saying hello. I just could, I am not a marvel fan. I am more into Disney. It happened that marvel movies were the ones being showcased at the time. Eventually, I decided to meet him. It was around 7-ish heading to 8 pm. He always worked late and was less busy during the evenings. I would have met him at around 5 pm but then you know us introverts. I still had to confirm my conclusion of whether was doing it or not. I put on a pair of blue shorts and a navy blue sweatshirt and a pair of sky blue rubber shoes.

See, I like the blue color but black is my dominant. I only happened to have blue outfits popping. He was so good at giving directions. He still is, or maybe I am the one who’s good at following them, the vice versa is also not true. In a pink shirt and beige colored khaki, he picked me up at Lee star supermarket and to the hub we went. Wait you do not want me to give details of how our salutations were like, do you? Anyways it was a simple one-sided hug followed by the usual conversation starters. He served me coffee as I sat there browsing. Oh, he gave me the password to the Wi-Fi at the hub. He was still not settled, had a few things he was still patching up before he’d call it a day. I enjoyed it there. You understand why, right?

He would approach me at instances just to make sure I was comfortable. We would have a few words exchanged then he’d get back to work. The hub was half-filled with people some surfing the internet, others playing games and the rest were part of the staff I guessed. With time people cleared and it was just me, Ekay, and a few guys who worked at the hub. We now had time to catch up freely. An hour of an awesome talk was good for the day. I felt I had made a new friend. He was a visual friend before that day. I was happy I finally met Ekay on a one on one basis. He was of a good company for the time he was although he thought otherwise. I know you’d also think that the date was boring but it wasn’t. I enjoyed every moment of the time whether he was busy or not. At least I did not have to talk the whole time PS I had instances to tell my inner self, “you can do this Emh”.

It is now a year and a half of great friendship after a couple of dates. Recently, I fell ill and guess who was there for me, Ekay. He paid all my hospital bills and catered for my medication. He accompanied me to all my appointments with the doctor at the Radiant group of hospitals. He made sure I ate the recommended food and on time. His care felt nice. I grew fond of him each day. It was both amazing and unbelievable at the same time.

Who in Nairobi and this era would do that without expecting an act of kindness? I celebrate Ekay as my hero. I was falling for Ekay. This is something that was there even before the illness. You see he is intelligent and I am sapiosexual, makes perfect sense. This he did not know. So many times I tried to fight but I couldn’t. Nature had taken its course. You know real feelings don’t just go away. Sometimes missing him felt stupid. I was probably not always in his mind. I would often get angry at myself for loving someone who saw me as his baby sister. I am not quite sure whether he saw me like this, all I know is that he loved me back probably not in the same way I loved him. My greatest fear is rejection. I wouldn’t risk saying anything, I’d rather keep my love for him as a secret. You ever get into those moods where you feel sad about nothing and just wanted to talk to someone and make them hug you but you feel annoying and just lay there with a heavy feeling in your chest? This was me recently.

From the Tantan app to WhatsApp conversations to the first date and the second and the third, I never thought it get to this point. I was disturbed. I did not know how to come through for myself. I was afraid to tell anyone about it. Not even my therapist. Well, am certain she will come across this article and schedule a session with me. I love me. I am a strong one. I could walk every day on the verge of sadness and not even have the slightest clue that I was not okay. Ekay noted nothing. He still showed me the same kind of care.

Everyday, I hoped that he would notice something was not going well with me but then I gave him no chance to. My fears were stronger than I was. Every time his name came up on my phone I’d be reluctant to answer the call, not because he was a bother. I just did not know how to pretend that I was fine. Lying did not make me a better person but did I have a choice? Well, yes but then I was not set on making that decision. I am at the moment in a catch-22 situation whether I should tell him or not. Perhaps I just shouldn’t. What difference will it make anyway.

Ekay is already with someone else. You see, one time during our hangouts I did overhear a conversation between him and a lady on his phone. The conversation was so detailed about his house in particular. It is ill-mannered to eavesdrop. His voice call volume was up and clear enough for me to hear the person on the other side. He would have reduced it if we were in the same room but I doubt he realized it was loud enough to reach me in the other room. The discussion did not bother me as much as their last words towards the end of the call. “I love you”, Ekay said, and back it was reciprocated. ‘Chest pains’ “tu” but “si ni life”. I honestly did not know how to react to that. Happens with surprises and this was a major one.

I just lay still to whatever surface was next to me. I am not even sure I was thinking. I am just trying to imagine how Billie would go about this. That crazy sweet thing is more than melodramatic. She is always waiting to dial that reinforcement code on her contact list. The last thing I remember that day is Ekay’s voice as he shouted from the other room I guess, “FOOD IS READY”. I am not sure whether he was even close to me or not, his tone was just loud from my end. He might have not shouted, it’s just the way I perceived it then.

Now I know my place. This makes me look back and smile. My feelings won’t get hurt anymore. Suppose I had told him what I felt, then I’d put him in a difficult situation. A situation that I wouldn’t like to see happen and if it did I’d be grateful to Tinkerbell. I felt it when she said,” if you have to choose between me and her, chose her. Because if you really loved me, there wouldn’t be any other choice.”