HOW I MET MY WIFE: LIFE BEFORE COVID-19

Now listen up y’all judging folks. This is my love story. The sacred tales of how I came to meet the laugh of my life. My sweat heart.

The time for the events: Time and half a time before Covid 19.
Setting: A matatu vehicle.

Here we go;

I have just wrote the last sentence in my petition to see the chief of the ancestors because something needs to happen to them too. There’s no way ill fate can keep following me around while they watch and perhaps make fun of me.

This matatu I’m traveling in stops to pick a passenger. Lo! And behold the passenger in question is one voluptuous lady exhibiting a close genetic relationship with gabana wa Omabei. As if that’s not enough abomination of nature, she has two mango head kids trotting behind her . I’m looking left right and the only vacant seat is the one next to me. My heartbeat increases as beads of sweat begin cascading down my face. Si Wuod Min Jii is over. This woman is to murder Min Jii’s last born son. Suffocating is a fate far was than death.

Now why did I even board this particular Matt in the first place, I ponder. Aah, and how would I’ve known I would be neighbouring an hippo of a woman. If anything it’s not my fault. I console myself.

“songa kiti ya nyuma kabisa madam”, the tout motions the very back seat.

A sigh of relief. Dead right, you and your fat family muende tu uko nyumaa. I want to tell her but you’re right, I wouldn’t dare.

Donge my relief is short-lived when two heavy handbags are thrown at me from behind with, “kijana aki just help me with these two little handbags “. Yaani this woman has decided that I will know no rest till I die.

And to think that she didn’t even have the courtesy to say please!

I’m quite parched already. Waiter!!! More beer, on your bills jolly good forks…