MY SISTER, MY ABUSER

They always referred to me as a boring baby. Well, I’m not so interesting anyway so maybe it was actually right for them to call me that. Or maybe they weren’t keen enough to actually notice I had issues.

I was a chubby baby. Bouncy cheeks and all. Those who know me know nothing much has changed. It’s sad the way 15years later the pain in my heart is still so much. No guys, I’m not crying as I write but my heart definitely is. My heart is crying for all those 5 year olds who are going through whatever it is I went through but they can’t talk about it. Those kids who will grow up with such bitterness towards the world that should otherwise be a safe place for them.

Unlike other female babies, my abuser was not a man.

There were instances where my brother tried to touch me and my neighbour Alex who was like 3-times my age tried to wink at me and run after me but that was just as far as it went with them.

My abuser was my sister.

It’s funny how right now we are the best of friends. We talk and hug like nothing happened. But every time I see her those nights come back. Those tormented nights creep in my mind like the monster in horror movies. Sometimes it actually gives me sleepless nights.

It’s funny how everyone thinks the savior of a female kid should be their sister, cousin, aunt. You might ask me who the saviour should be. I don’t know. I’m as clue less as you are.

You might be curious as to why I decide to say this 15 years later. Maybe because it’s hard to live in the prison of your mind and heart. Or maybe because I think parents should never trust anyone with their kids. Not even their siblings. 15 years ago I was 5, chubby and beautiful. My sisters are way older than I am. The one in question is 11 years older. So by then she was in form 2 away in a boarding school. Came home and kumbe she had started engaging in lesbian activities. I also didn’t know that until recently.

When your siblings come from school, it’s natural to be excited. To want to spend every minute with them. And I was a natural baby. Anyway, long story short. Night came and I slept on the same bed as her. So day one she tried to put her hands in my panties and I thought it was just turning in her sleep. I was stupid I know. But no one ever told me girls could also do such. The next day, her then boyfriend joined us. He came to the window and they’d touch. I don’t know how. But somehow as she got pleasured she started touching me and rubbing me inappropriately. The cycle went on for days then it came to a stop. Never spoke about it to date.

Didn’t know it was abuse till I got to highschool and those conversations were not forbidden.

And now sitting here watching rape cases grow in number on a daily basis, I can’t help but ask myself. How many girls go through the same under their sisters, aunts, house helps, cousins and don’t talk about it? How many parents are ignorant of what happens to their “boring babies” while they are away thinking, “I have no man in the house,the baby must be fine”? How many girls my age have a messed up present because their past was pathetic?

Oh btw, my mama knew my sister was lesbian but she still allowed me to sleep in the same bed as her. Sad right?