Was this how love was supposed to feel? You made me believe that we could have had something good between us during our very first times. Were you just playing mind games? l describe this kind of sadness like the death of a thousand flower petals pluck, for every time l remembered how hurt l was l pluck a petal but none of this killed me but overtime the accumulation bled me of the humanity l once had.This sadness tainted all that could bring me joy and relief. l cannot deny that l was even a victim of suicidal thoughts during certain days. l shook my head vigorously pounding it against the wall so that my thoughts could dislodge themselves because they drove me insane and turned me into a monster.

There are days when you were asleep, l held a knife on my innocent hands wanting to get rid of your life but l remembered l was not God and also the consequences I’d face. This thoughts became my tormentors, toture escapable only by forceful sleep. Everytime l thought of running away, adrenaline would flood my system – it would pump and beat like its trying to escape because l knew you would do something extremely bad to me. You see, its not predictable anger or pain that is worst,its this. Forgive me for not telling you this horrible guy’s name. Pardon my manners, may be hate is consuming me as l write.His name is Brian.

After some time this guy developed some very weird disease. He would have a severe dry cough, difficulty in breathing, fever, loss of taste and headache. He later died its only recently that l came to know that it was Corona virus. I won’t deny his death brought me sadness because l thought God will answer my prayers and change him to be a better man for me. It also brought me so much relief because this was a gate way out of a toxic relationship. Years passed and l felt like l was done healing from wounds that l just can’t put into concept. Atleast thats what l thought.

l met this man Hamisy. He was handsome from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions of his voice. He was handsome from his generous opinions to the touch of his hand upon mine. He has the kinda face that stopped you in your tracks. You feel me? He has a dead give away smile. He is no doubt the man of every girl’s dream. The problem is everytime l try to give in and let myself be loved l remember of Brian and suddenly l hate him so much, suddenly his not handsome, suddenly l don’t want him around, suddenly l become extremely angry and rude, suddenly my heart is filled with so much bitterness.

After all these years, could this mean that l had not healed? Was all this because of the love l never had? I guess its only right to say that time does not necessarily heal wounds. Healing only comes to those that choose to heal.What should l do with John? Was all this because of the love l never had?

…to be continued

The post THE LOVE I NEVER HAD (version 13) appeared first on .

His name is Abuju. He was my undisclosed lover. For one year and six months, I lived my best life. In fact, this time would be our anniversary.

I enjoyed what we had with him, until he said these three verses, ‘I love you’. You are perhaps stunned because a girl would do anything to hear these words- you are right, I’m not just any girl. Don’t judge me yet, as you don’t know my story. Abuju was up to scratch with keeping us a secret. Not that we had other concubines, but we did not wish to brand what we had. I talked him into the idea. Our relationship was so perfect. I mean, his kisses were the richest, his hugs were the tightest, his touches were the nicest and even, he loved doing that thing I liked.

Our imagined relationship ended just because I could not love him back. I had a good reason. I promise. so l let the only person who understood me, pace away. I knew his words had changed everything and i didn’t know how to change back.

That was three years ago. I was damaged then. I just couldn’t love him back because I didn’t even love myself. when I thought I was ready, I saw him with her, who seemed mate, walking into a hotel holding hands. I wished they never looked happy but I could see his laughter in her eyes.

Now, what I’m left with is a picture of us watching the sunset. I wonder if he still does that. His memories keep fading away every time I see him with her and not me. I occasionally visit the museum to remind myself that everything has a past but the past stays in the past right? I’m sad mad. This grief has a gravity; it pulls me down. I will never get over him. The feeling of giving my heart to someone else is too much to bear. I keep on convincing myself that there is nothing wrong with shading a little tear but I still feel empty without him.

Just because he loved me till he busted.

I wish starting over was as easy as painting a wall.

The post The love I never had(version 12) appeared first on .

Dre was the guy that I fell in love with sometime back. He was everything I ever wished to have for a partner. He was so fine in every way and his chivalry was top notch. His only shortcoming was that he was a bit shorter than the height I preferred but that didn’t stop me from not falling for him.

Whereas I love my man tall, dark and handsome, I must acknowledge that Dre was the opposite for he was a bit short, brown skinned but handsome. Not so much my type of guy but there I was, yearning for him with my every being. His type of handsome was from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions of his voice. His generous opinions and his soothing touch upon my hands. Not to forget the well masculine body especially his arms, they were perfectly toned and I could see his every vein when he would roll his sleeves. And did I mention how deep his voice was? Well, now you know.

When I first saw him, I was so certain that I wanted him for myself selfishly and was willing to do anything just to get his attention. Luckily Dre turned out to be friends with a friend of mine who introduced us and that’s how we ended up as friends, close friends.

As time went by I grew so fond of him and I sensed that he did too because we would spend so much time together. We went out for dinners at his favorite restaurants and afterwards head to a snack joint to grab ourselves some dessert, frozen yogurt to be precise. He made me feel special through his minute romantic ways like how he would hold my hands as we walked down the street, he would check on me countless times during the day and he would drop by my place more than enough times just to say hi. He became my confidant and I became his, we shared so much stories, both the good and the bad, our dreams and nightmares and what fueled us up in life. My heart convinced me that I had met my better half but my mind wasn’t so sure, not that I paid attention anyway.

Life felt so good then and butterflies seemed to be the only thing I would see for the better part of the day not to mention the goosebumps that I would feel at night as we would stroll around, gazing at the stars as he tucked me in his arms. Every moment with Dre felt like it was one of those bollywood episodes where he was the Sharukhan and I, Kareena Kapoor sitted outside in the middle of the night wishing the night lasted forever. (anyone that knows me knows that I’m always asleep by 9) but with Dre I sacrificed everything, including my sleep.

I was in love. The type of in love that involves your heart, your mind, your soul, your nails, hair and teeth. In other words; stupid in love. And so I had made up my mind that I would let Dre know how I felt about him, and may I make it known that he was the first and the last guy that I was going to Shoot my shot for. He became a prize that I believed I would win. For him I promised to give my heart and keep his safe because that’s the way I wanted it to be, the only way it should have been.

One evening, Dre came by my place and found me outside doing my laundry. He then asked to charge his phone for a short while and offered to help me with my laundry. I know you’re wondering what type of a guy would be willing to do that? My Dre was more than willing. I thought to myself this is the perfect time to let the love of my life know how I felt about him. The set up gave me morale as it would be romantic to wash and splash water on each other as we poured out our feelings.

So when Dre came back and started helping out, my confidence withered, my body became numb and my voice let me down. Could you guys believe it, I started to stammer! The day that I was so much waiting for was here but now I cannot even bring myself to explain how I felt. “Fatma are you okay” he asked. Standing there I could literally feel myself choking on my own words, “I….I…I need to get some water” as I rushed into my room to get a glass of ‘water’. By now, we all know that it was not water that I needed, but rather, courage was.

Sitted on my bed, I’m so dissapointed in myself for not being able to pour out my feelings once and for all. No one ever told me that opening up would be this hard, not even the memes. As I’m still thinking whether I should go outside and tell Dre everything, I accidentally or on purpose spot his phone and as always my dark side tempts me to check it out. Not catfishing or anything but just to be sure that it’s actually charging. I make sure to lock the door so that he doesn’t bump into me with his phone in my hands. Dre wasn’t so much into passwords so that made things easy for me.

My fingers find it’s ways into his contact list, and as I go through it I come across some number saved as “soulmate”. Suddenly my heart beat increases and I can’t help but think “could it be that he has saved me as his soulmate?, could the feeling be mutual between us?” I’m both excited and scared at the same time. Going into details of the contact and guess what, jokes on me, that’s not my number saved as soulmate but some other Chiles.

Even before I could digest that heartbreaking discovery, I come across another different number saved as “Babe” and then another one as “Mine” and the list continues on and on. His messages are a whole different kind of heartache. Too much sex chats and lovey dovey voice notes. At this point I feel hopeless and helpless because as it turned out he is a WOMANIZER. Have always known that he was everything I wanted but the idea of having a womanizer for a boyfriend was not what I wanted for myself, not even in my worst dreams, I considered it to be the lowest of the low and for me any man that wasn’t satisfied by one woman was nothing more than a broken record that needed to be avoided by all means.

And as unfortunate as it may sound, Dre was one big broken record that I had to let go of before he could be my bitter half.

The post THE LOVE I NEVER HAD (version 11) appeared first on .

So, I spotted him in the hockey pitch when I just joined school, he was the goalkeeper of the ‘Wazito Team’ as they were known, because of the huge chest most players had. Seeing him defend the cork from finding its way into the goal post for me was a foreshadow of how he would defend our love. I mean, I was certain he would notice me especially because of the random chants during their matches. I’d make sure I mentioned his name. Did I tell you he was the reason I joined women’s hockey team? At this point, you must be full of admiration for me. No, I had just corked the gun without my knowledge and it was soon to go off.

Two days into joining the team, I was finding it hard to learn the basics and everyone in the team was literally about to get fed up with me. Holding the hockey stick was a challenge, hitting the cork was a challenge, defending was a challenge, so, why exactly was I struggling? I should have sat down and accepted the fact that I could not make a good hockey player. Little did I know that my crush had noticed my woes and had come to my rescue. I can’t explain the feeling, but it was epic.

The thought of being able to train with him alone was getting me excited. I knew that this was an opportunity granted to me and I had to work something out. Perhaps borrow a few things from Netflix, it’s wrong to waste good movie moves, right! Say for instance, fake that I’d passed out and needed first aid. You know what would happen if it were in the movies. Do you blame me for being paranoid! I just needed a glimpse of hope to hold on to. We reached an agreement that I would engage in morning runs with him then thereafter join him for a forty-five minutes workout. I did the math, 315 sweet minutes with him in a week, all by ourselves. Who would trade this for anything else!

We followed the schedule as planned and I didn’t hint my intentions in the beginning because I thought the longer I kept in my lane, the more he’ll be drawn to me. When I was confident enough that I had the situation under control, I paraded my first stunt that I had twisted my ankle and I needed help in order to walk. The expected happened. The guy quickly showed concern and administered first aid, soothing not the injured leg but the burning desire within me. To what extent can a man be vulnerable? I was already plotting the next stunt due to the success of the one I had staged earlier. The team began noticing the massive improvement and let’s just say, at that point I earned a spot in the defense team but as a substitute. For me, that didn’t matter as long as I was kept in the loop so as I’d see him. This made me look forward to the evenings because I’d always spend time with him. All this time I knew he felt something for me, I wasn’t certain of the feeling though.

So, one time we’re invited for a friendly match at Dedan Kimathi University, both male and female teams, we all attend. After showcasing our talent and a demonstration of what a prowess I had become, thanks to my crush, we had some time to discuss and interact with other players. I wished this truth had dawned on me earlier, why did Ryan not ask me to sit with him on the bus? Why hadn’t he showed me any signs? I’d always console myself that maybe he was taking his time.

This was meant to happen sooner or later I’d find out if he felt anything for me. I had my way of getting things done and I was sure, I had him by his throat. I get into my bag and collect a note enough to cater for two cons of ice cream, one for me and one for my crush. It wasn’t hard to pick him from the crowd because of his unique afro. I quickly maneuvered my way through the crowd and got to him. The excitement was cut short when I noticed he had company. A petite lady standing by the wall speaking to him distinctly. I didn’t let that bother me; I went ahead to hand the ice cream to him.

Excuse me! We’re in the middle of something serious, our son is sick in hospital…
I didn’t have the energy to listen any further, I quickly turned to my crush who gladly introduced his wife to me. “This is my wife, Nancy, our son isn’t feeling well.” At this point my heart was up my sleeve.

“Wait! Are you kidding me? Why were you always giving in to my advances? I thought you had some feelings for me?”
“Yes, I did, but just as a team player who needed my help. That’s all. I’m sorry Livia, but I love my family.” These were his last words to me that day. He held his woman by the hand and walked away. I was left reminiscing about the time he offered to help me train and I earned myself a spot as a substitute, was that what I was in this case too? Just not good enough. Why didn’t he tell me he’d never be mine? I’m here wishing I had saved myself the trouble I underwent all those cold mornings.

Nowadays, I don’t crush on people anymore. I just don’t go trying to find love, I’ve accepted to wait until loves finds me.

The post THE LOVE I NEVER HAD (version 9) appeared first on .

Asha was her name, she was the only light skinned Burji I knew. She had dimples that complimented her smile, I swear you could see her beauty through the nikab. She had hips that got my head swaying side to side every time she walked. Allah might have been showing off creating her. I felt like I was born to mend her heart, fools came and went but I was always there to provide her a shoulder to lean on. Yes, the good-hearted Borana guy she had by her side.

I didn’t have the balls to tell her that I lay awake almost every night dreaming of the beautiful kids we would have. Sucks right? Just that I had no choice, I wouldn’t break the bond we had as best friends. If only she knew how I was into her. I didn’t admire her because of her beauty or anything, I loved her for who she was around me. The way she would recite the Quran, her lips mumbling words I could not comprehend. You can call it being love struck or whatever you want but man was I head over heels in love her.

“Its impossible”, said pride.

“Its risky”, said experience.

“Its pointless”, said reason.

“Give it a try”, whispered the heart.

I had no choice but to follow my favorite, the heart. If there was going to be a next, it would be me, I swore.

l finally manned up and decided to talk to her. I showered her with promises of what an amazing man I would be. What if she laughed at me? What if she thought I’m stupid? Random thoughts flew in and out of my head but it was too late his highness, Mr. Heart, had already decided. I waited for her to call so we would hangout as always but she didn’t dare to call.

Anxiety caught up with me and I decided to dress up and head for her place with hopes that she felt the same way, That she had finally realized that I was meant for her.

If you’re planning to surprise your crush, I suggest you don’t. My smile paved way for the awe that crisscrossed my face. There she was, kissing another “fool” I was dumb folded since I had planned on surprising her, if only I knew what awaited me.

I was a man in love after all and the realization that I would never have her hit me. What a romantic man I was, a rose but still the girl wasn’t meant to be mine.

The post THE LOVE I NEVER HAD (version 8) appeared first on .

And that’s why I cringed when I was asked about Cinderella. My Sweet Cinderella. The secret that I have honoured to keep, and that I must lay bare for y’all and sundry today because I’ve learnt one more wisdom in my long life; a wise man hides his hairy legs not the love he never had.

Now whence do I start writing about Cinderella? I would have begun by telling you about her long beautifully curved legs that would make you glare at the ground she walked on in furious jealousy, but I won’t. No. I refuse to even mention that bangle that dangled enchantingly on her ankle, lest you begin fancing her too and I’m forced to strangle you. Oh and those hips that launched constant rebellion against her rather slim dresses, only God knows who won; the hips or the dresses. I will mention the two forbidden apple fruits on her chest but only in passing. Because they were ripe, they were succulent and always in a standing ovation for the gods.

When I first met Cinderella I was awestruck by her beauty. One only needed to look into her eyes be lost forever.
Cinderella like the fairy tale was gorgeous. But also unlike the fairy tale she was neither mistreated or impoverished. For my Cinderella was the daughter of our local chief. Yeah, I know, I know, only a foolhardy trys to inappropriately think of let alone date the daughter of the chief. But I was foolishly in love meen, you understand right?

I’m assuming you’ve all read or watched the classic folk tale Cinderella. Well if you haven’t I should tell you to go ride a porcupine back to your former school and collect back your school fees. But I won’t. Instead I’ll pretend I went to school for you and tell you that in the fairy tale, Cinderella is suppose to meet and fall in love with a prince. Well, back in my village with Cinderella Nyar Chief I was that prince. You laugh but technically I’m prince. Seeing that I’m a direct descent of Ramogi Ajwang who was a great king those many centuries ago.

And you haven’t heard me brag about it.

Now Nyar Chief would come to meet her prince one fine evening by the Sugarcane plantation. Wueh! It was love at first sight, romance 101 . Romeo and Juliet would be jealous. I told her a lot of things most of which are disrespectful to reveal to you but of course I also never failed to mention the degree I was getting from Harvard and how somehow I was related to both Obama and Raila Baba. When I mentioned that I was one the key brains behind BBI, Cinderella smiled coyly, quietly slipping into the trap i had set for her.

That same evening she invited me to read her BBI. Imagine my luck! Time was set and it was a date. By exactly ten pm I was already by their fence. The chief’s fence. All caution thrown to the wind and ready to dash in like the prince I am and grab Cinderella to our BBI rally for a blissful BBI reading. I knew what her father would do to me if I was caught but I did not care. My grandfather always said to me that no one should ever make me inferior without my consent. Because we are all mortal men, no one has the power to make you their slave, and if they do so, remind them that you were also born from a mortal womb. I was ready to remind the chief that I was also born of a mortal womb!

Except I had forgotten one thing;

The chief kept two huge Alsatian dogs and my fruitless attempts to jump over the gate alerted them. Friends I wailed like a woman that night. And I like to say that my wail apart from alerting the whole village of my presence at the chief’s gate also saved my life from these beasts.
I spent that night tied to the gate and was only freed the next morning with a stan warning that I will have my balls forfeit if I ever did as much as stare at Cinderella again.

As at today, I would like to say I still have both my two balls intact.

The post MY SWEET CINDERELLA: THE LOVE I NEVER HAD (version 7) appeared first on .

“Yes, and am sorry but we can’t be more than what we are here. I will be a laughing stock in my community back home.”
“What about our dreams? The garden wedding, the 4 kids that will fit in the dining six-set , the hawaii vacations, will we watch as they sink in abyss?”

READ ALSO: SEX FOR GRADES

“Just hold it there mr planner. Weren’t those just normal chats that people have to keep the day going? I’m never getting married to a gurale, please.”

With that, she stood up, pulled her hijab off the seat and shaked her keister out of the restaurant.

“Ridhwan, what about the bills?”

Snobbed.

She had been my best human being on earth. From the first day we met at Two Rivers Mall, I knew something was about to spark. She was at the counter of the clothes store, serving customers who afforded to buy a tshirt that costed $30 and trousers which were double that. A pair of socks would go for $10 and you’re wondering if they came with the shoes? No, the shoes danced at $50 and above. For me, I was just in my weekly window shopping spree to kill time. Clearly, gikomba was my place.

She kept throwing glances at me through her clear glasses. The glances confused my senses. She was either suspecting am a thief, or she was just trying to check me out. I’d go with the latter. I won’t forget, no, I won’t forget to mention that her black Hijab was quite tight on her body- it mophed her physique into something that looked like the number 8.

As I was stepping out of the shop after pretending the trouser I was searching for was not in the store, she signaled me back. This was it.

“You didn’t get what you wanted?”

I said I was looking for khaki skinny trousers that weren’t too tight and not too baggy.

The colloquy blazed as we rummaged for my size. I declined all the sizes, not because they didn’t fit me, but because I wanted the conversation to keep going. We later exchanged numbers (she saved herself as Ridhwan), and promised to keep me posted when the new stalk arrive.

Two weeeks down the line, we had created a bond that was stronger than the Kenyan government. Early goodmorning texts, all day chats and future plans were the order of the day.

Things were moving quite faster. We were on the verge of confusion; we were neither friends nor lovers – just something in there between. Our hearts had knotted into one. She was the moon, I was the darkness – she was the light, I was the sun. Nothing could ever come between us. I could feel that.

READ ALSO: YOUR ATTRACTION TO THE WRONG LADIES

On one Saturday, she had promised to spoil me. I felt this was the best time to pop the question. I was ready for a serious relationship with someone’s somali daughter. I arrived at kilimanjaro Restaurant (our favourite restaurant) quite early so that I plan how best I could ask her to be my girlfriend.

I staged a camera at the back of one of the table menus then asked Abdifatah (my day one waiter at the restaurant) to mobilize his colleagues and create a celebration scene after I had gone down on my knees. He agreed. It was all set.

She arrived half an hour later, ordered our favourite dish then dug into deep conversation about our ‘relationship’, from which I’d then pop the question. It was all good and romantic untill I mentioned that I wanted us to move to the next level. It all slapped me that we were clearly on different pages. The idea of us dating was the worst she ever heard from me. An abomination, perhaps.

I wished I could backspace my words, maybe erase a few lines and delete some feelings attached to them, but shetani ni naniiii, the milk was on the flour and the cat was busy licking. Whatever that mean.

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The post THE LOVE I NEVER HAD (version 5) appeared first on .

“Oya buda! Mbele yako msee…cheza kama wewe” That was Eugene signaling me about some fine lass he had spotted right in front of me, and as the brocode rule has it in its subsection 35 and I quote “ Thou may spotteth but eateth not, through-pass is applicable under a memorandum of understanding (MOU),” it was his time to obey the rules and deliver the catch. It was now her, my strides and me to make the first attempt. In my mind, that would be the greatest day, nothing boosts a man’s ego like a bro’s dare and backup at the same time, there we were, strategically moving after her, my plan was to rush and pick up a conversation, a conversation that I hadn’t thought about but my confidence wouldn’t fail me. Just as foreseen, she was getting deep into the conversation, my plan worked.

Love is a beautiful thing and it works in peculiar ways at times, it was just two days since I met her and already on my mind I was seeing a soulmate, I felt the youth in me had resurfaced and every part of my soul was functioning fully. By Friday, a week after I met her, I already had our WhatsApp conversation pinned and her picture as my chat’s background. I was in love again, I thought so. She’d even agreed to come over to my crib for a movie night, she wasn’t even hesitant, I thought that it was her ‘simplicity.’ I’d then brag to my brother how I managed that easily. Not that I am physically challenged but at times when I manage to get the finest ones hooked it becomes an achievement, I bet mbogi can attest to this. Day in, day out I was deeply falling for her, every piece in our story was relatable and everything about her was fascinating or maybe it was just a syndrome.

I had taken her for a date and we were having the best of our time, laughing our hearts out like we owned the place. I had everything set before, just like in Puerto Rican soap operas, the room was dim light with a unique aroma that filled the room. I had booked the whole restaurant that evening and had professionals do the decor. This day would be great, I supposed. It was time to prove my ex wrong by proposing to the new found Love. After that, life would never be the same again, I had promised myself to settle as I had found Love. Did I mention that she was served her favorite drink? That was obvious, right?

“I’m sorry I don’t do boys, I’m a lesbian,” well, that was the end of it all, I was reduced to some Tom Mboya statue with a fake smile on my face while assuring her that I was okay with her. I got weak and my knees couldn’t kneel as anymore. She’d hid that part about her life from me, the deeper I fell for her, the more I was blinded to read signs. She got me, I had to understand her.

She is still an amazing friend and whenever we hang out I get tempted. I can’t get over her.

The post THE LOVE I NEVER HAD (version 4) appeared first on .

I still remember when I first set my eyes on you, it is a feeling I never want to push away. Your smile that swept me off my feet and your beard that fit perfectly on your face and how you’d tease me about shaving it every damn time, then I’d insist you keep it like it meant a thing to me, oh wait it did~ I had a crush on you.

Since I was just starting my pilgrimage journey that meant I was now going to see you oftenly and wasn’t that a good thing for me? I remember how we started talking, the memory is priceless in my head. It was Wednesday during the normal weekday services, I surge myself in a corner to pray but I didn’t seem to focus. Thoughts of your laughter kept flashing in my head. I got confused, it had been ages since I felt these kinda things. I opened my eyes several times to confirm if you were still in the prayer room, that’s how crazy I got. I went home thinking to myself, sasa huku ni wapi nimejiweka.

I had recently decided that I’m not going to date any guy atleast not until I was done setting my path straight.

That night I remember succumbing to insomnia trying to stalk you but nothing, I found nothing, damn this guy was something I thought. No social media accounts, no where to steal a glimpse of him. I didn’t have your number, ofcourse I had people I could ask from but I reminded myself of my decision and that was it. Thursday morning I couldn’t think straight you had dropped down to my heart and occupied my head like I had given consent for that. On that night I decided to let you know, I couldn’t keep it in any longer. So I asked for your number but texted you the following morning. I did that very early before you could wake up. I don’t know what I was afraid of, but I knew there was no way back from this; there was no escape.

So I made sure to use that time well, said everything I wanted to say, explained everything in black and white and made sure to mention that i wasn’t in love with you and that it wasn’t going to change a thing, that I needed you to help me pray for all these to fade away.

Days passed, we grew close and close. We got to know each other. I remember fantasizing how we were to have so many kids and how you’d be my future husband. Life in my dreams I felt like a princess, like I had all that I wanted. As I set on my pilgrimage I was told that the devil comes in form of everything you ever wanted
Was I letting the devil win? Was I giving him a chance?

I was on a mission and I wasn’t about to trip. So one day you asked if I like you more that just a friend and I denied it. You confessed. You said that you had started falling in love with me and that wasn’t your intention. I was once again in a dilemma, I didn’t know whether to be happy because you felt the same way or sad because I was failing on my mission to pursue God. I was afraid of loosing our friendship so we agreed on terms. That I shouldn’t make you feel special and no more long night calls. It was easy to say yes to that. However, I remember how much I cried that night thinking about all the long night calls we had and how your voice made me the happiest girl in the world.

I don’t know whether I should be thanking you right now , but I miss all the days you made sure to bring me lollipops to church and I chose not to give anyone because my Mr Right bought them for me. I will remember to tell my kids that these were the best days of my pilgrimage journey because it’s the little things that matter
There is this one specific day that I will forever revisit, that day when we decided to watch movies, I came over to your place,we cooked, watched movies, talked and then I watched you sing.

I hope it’s okay to mention that I love the guy you are when holding the strings. You give me goosebumps everytime you are behind the strings. That day it was just the two of us, I remember taking endless pictures and videos of you as you played them and sang. This was my best role because I got to admire you behind that phone without you noticing it. Did I mention that I loved how you held my hands as you taught me how to play the strings? Your closeness to me made my heart pump like never before( I’m refraining from complicating my language, I want you to notice the simplicity of how you made my heart feel).

I kept growing more and more in love. How was I supposed to tell you? You had just agreed to be my prayer partner but in my heart a different agenda was running. How could I be so cruel? My only mistake was loving. Is it right to blame myself? If no then who is to be blamed?

As you saw me off to stage I didn’t wanna leave, I bet you noticed. Did I have a choice? I doubt I hugged you and wished we could stay interlocked for like forever. It wasn’t my place to decide though.

Days passed and they became weeks. That month alot happened in my heart that I can’t fathom. Every day I saw you I wished I could come running hug and tell you how I felt about you, but I decided otherwise and joked about it. Then Covid19 kicked in, lockdown was here and I didn’t have an option to see you, the calls that had now minimised continued. But the chats, the chats grew lesser because the more days passed without seeing you, the more I grew in love.

I’m not a phone kinda person when I love someone. So we hold the discussion and you try to understand how i feel about you but I was still in denial. One day I ask you to forget that I ever mentioned that I liked you and you don’t seem to have an issue with that~ which hurt a little bit‍.

After some days I’m unable to take it in, and I decided to admit that I like you, but I’m confused about the whole thing only to hear you mention that you have someone. ” Sharon you are an adorable lady, but I can only support you from a far because I have someone”. These words came crumbling my heart down, I felt like it was torn into pieces. How could I have missed this detail for this long? How could I have been so blind? Are you asking if I blame you? No, I don’t. I blame myself for being so blind and unsure of myself. But I want to let you know that I just don’t how I can ever undo this. I dated you in my mind for so long. How do people get over a break up when they weren’t even in a relationship?

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