I allowed myself to be tortured due to ignorance per se. Not that I didn’t know what was actually happening but I guess things happened so fast that I lost track. Today, I wish I was five years younger perhaps I would have done things differently in I would possibly not have met the wrong people basically I wouldn’t have wasted my time on the wrong people but is it not what life is about? You just have to meet the wrong people for you to end up coming across the right ones, sounds weird right? I thought so too. Does loving someone for mean having to loose yourself in the process so as to keep something that perhaps was never yours even from the beginning? This was the a journey we had begun without a definite destination full of bumpy rides eventually I just had to alight. Things were getting out of hand, the pain and suffering were too much I wish somebody could understand. Giving your best without any appreciation.

The decision I made to stay for the party that night cost me a lot I wish I had left when the time was right. The party went on, glasses tossing in the air, guess cheers to the numerous couples that night, that was the beginning of a ghosted affair. I signed a certificate not for marriage or anything close to that, mine was one that kept me hooked to the ungrateful man who took me from granted. I suppose they say good things are rare to find, maybe I gave in easily, really? I sincerely can’t explain. This is the first time I recall skiving lectures due to the hangover, it was soon to be a norm when I has to visit him at the expense of my lectures. These were the days I put my academics, which my parents had invested on pitch at risk of never coming to a fruitful completion because I really needed to attend every single one of those lessons I missed. I thought I had things under control until my grades begun stating the opposite. Actually my grades were low for the first time since I joined the university. It was an awakening call but I was busy convincing myself I was just a first-year student I had enough time to get back my grades. I was lost in the moment.

Days turned to weeks, months, I guess you were maybe beginning to get tired of me or something. That’s really the only thing I can think of I couldn’t quite explain how you begun drifting away slowly man. From the love messages to the lengthy late night calls, everything came to an end just like that. Why didn’t you even consider how I’d feel after everything I had done for you. Playing your cook, cleaner, companion, to the lover who was always one call away whenever you needed her to warm your bed. See this was toxic, it was choking on my grades and you just threw all the sacrifices I made to the thrash. I meet you a student, you turned me into your personal person for selfish reasons you never loved me you only wanted to use me. You should be proud because that’s exactly what you got from me in exchange for a deceitful relationship.

The changes were so loud that even the little gifts you got me, become a thing of the past. Wait, lest I forget, do you remember the pink dress I found in your suitcase? The one I was excited to try on but you told me it was a friend’s? Did I tell you I saw ‘her’ rocking that same dress on the eve of your graduation? I was clearly stupid. How could I let myself be fooled like that? The one time I found a pair of heels my size, you were still loyal I suppose because I don’t quite understand how you gave them to me without having second thoughts. They’d have perfectly gone with the pink dress. It’s that night I realized those shoes actually meant for the dress when I saw ‘her’ with the very shoes you gifted me. All this while I had been cleaning your mess for ‘her’ to get herself a perfect man. I should have read the signs, the red flags, oops! I entirely have myself to blame, I had chosen to love him and be loyal to him. Today, I hear ladies say a man is yours only when he is with you and I’m like dang it! That’s very true because I never tolerated the thought of another woman in the picture. I thought I was good enough.

The guy would beat me when we would argue over little things in the house. He did want me to questioned about it, if you did he’d be aggressive and lament on how it was his phone and he’d call whoever he felt like. I remember one afternoon when he slapped me because I picked his call to ask the other person to hold on he was in the shower. I remember the first two words of the lady on the call ‘Babe unakuja?’ These words were enough to trigger the adrenaline levels to shoot in my body because I waited for the man to walk into the room shamelessly. I was so willing to have a conversation with him so I traded the matter cautiously. I asked him if he had plans of moving out of the house and he confessed he was but headed for town to meet his mom then be back home. I wanted to believe him but the other voice kept echoing in my head ‘babe .. ‘ this man is a cheat, he’s lying to you, ask him about her, all these spinning in my head. For peace’s sake, I’ll ask anyway.

In a span of 30 seconds I made my mind up to ask, still in a mature way. Shirley called you when you were taking a shower…Even before I finished, he was already interrupting, Scrolling through his phone his eyes on me. ‘ Did you pick up my call?’ ‘What did she say?’ The tone was not so friendly and I knew I was in for it. He moved closer to me and held my arm tight , ‘I ask again did you pick my call?’ The pain was so much so I yelled at him yes and she was asking you if you were coming. He begun tightening his grip on my arm u could feel my bones suffocated he threw me on the bed I knew I had earned myself a beating if my lifetime. How did I end up with this monster of man. I lay down holding my cheek which was on fire from the slap he gave me. Did I deserve this brutality? I hate to admit it but still I faulted myself for invading his privacy. I should have stuck on my lane. I just couldn’t evaluate my worth in the relationship. I thought I was vital in his life but I realized I was insignificant. I was just there to satisfy his needs. He actually had me for a worker while he had other girls out there. I was naïve I accept, but once bitten twice shy I kind of advocated for the other bit stay loyal even when you have no reason to.

To be continued…

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The petite look and the mousy attitude told it all. What was so sad that even his look couldn’t stand? A case of lost trust perhaps, maybe something even worse I mean how else would you explain how he ended up a casanova at the tender age life had accorded him. This outrageous character blended in so well with the way he knew how to sweet talk a person I totally failed to understand what was missing in action. Then I learnt how a monster he was the day he thrashed an aperture card I had invested my time and money on for his graduation. This was someone I had been through thick and thin for in attempt to feel appreciated rather feel loved. I didn’t know I was submitting my resume for an odd job. His cook cleaner, sex toy, all for what? To end up his punching bag when he felt he’s eaten well and needed to flex his muscles a bit. You might begin to wonder why I was stuck there regardless of the situation, it was all for love, for a four-lettered word it was for love how else would I explain for people to understand? He was my first love. The next time you want to convince yourself that someone is your first love better be ready for the price it comes with. So listen to my story;

I met him a few weeks into settling down as a first year back in college. I was on my way to get supper from the dining hall when our paths crossed, he was with his crew as he liked to refer to his tribal based group of friends. Cold stare is what I served him with to go with his eyes that were trolling on my body. I found it offensive and uncomfortable, so I quickly rubbished his salutations and made my way to the counter to get my share of a rare delicacy, posho greens and beef. This act must have insulted his ego, like the way his friends roared in laughter followed by “faso anakung’aria bana” these words somehow got to me I almost gave myself a pat on the back like where did I even get the guts to do that? This was the beginning of something beautiful yet short lived there after turmoil and pain. My close friend told me she had heard of the ordeal that took place earlier on and she warned me that I needed to watch my back because I had messed with the wrong guy. Well, i had to do my homework because I’m a kind of person who hates surprises. Two days later, I had gathered information on the guy, I hate to admit it but the positive aspects of him superseded the negative energy in him. How do you explain a CR7, in Idris in Peter Okoye in Tokodi? Right unfathomable, I thought so too the combination came through easily I began to understand his charismatic nature, I suppose that is all that mattered at the time. I had done my homework but at times that’s not all you need as a candidate before sitting an exam. At this juncture I can ascertain to you that had I taken enough time to comprehend the information I had, today I wouldn’t be telling this story.

I began giving myself reason to hear out the guy whenever he approached me. This guy was crazy he went out of his way to know who my roommates were, coincidentally, one of my roommates was a third year just like him and his tribemate. Need I say, she was going to be the reason I knew the guy’s hostel after we were invited to attend the grand birthday party. That day, as naive as I was got dressed for the first time to attend a birthday party at night. I didn’t know what to expect as I was only a first year student involved in a third year’s birthday affair. I believe it was the first time I encountered guys smoking bhang the inner voice kept pushing me to vacate the room but the depth of curiosity kept me looking around hoping to get a reason to stay long enough to quench my doubts. In no time the party gets on my nerves as guys are busy romancing. That of course was not an issue just that this time my age was being violated I mean I was a minor at least I thought that being I was just 18. My thoughts quickly signaled ‘hii ni tabia mbaya’. The lectures mom and the whole extended family had given the night before I reported to school must have sank deep. One that I remember vividly was what my favorite uncle said “Now, you’re like a butterfly whose wings have been held tight and now it’s time we let go, choose how your flight will be carefully” with such heavy words, I held on to them so dearly that I didn’t want to disappoint him, at least not less than a month into school. His emotions could be told with the way he expressed interest in my well being. I owed it to him to be responsible in all my actions. The inner creepy voice once more was reckoning this time it fell into deaf ears as I had already made a decision to stay in my corner and watch everything that was happening. “Faso niaje,” I found this sort of thing annoying but it was all I had heard since I arrived. Glasses were tossed in the air as they began chanting the birthday song. The dapper birthday boy showed up his dreads nicely done and his brogue told he had taste. Oh my! Wait did I remember I had a commitment to live up to? That I had to stay focused and not get distractors like this chick magnet? Anyway, would I be the only one left out if I chose to stay in my corner? My eyes fixed on the guy, I slowly found my way to the door when I was about to reach the knob, someone tapped me on my shoulder, “ Babe unataka keunda mapema aje na hatujakata keki na wewe?” My fears dawned on me that I had already sent an apology to my uncle for what was about to happen. Lost between responding to him or turning the knob on the door. Either choice I made had repercussion so it was left for me to choose which one I’d bear. For a moment I understood that I was about to board my flight just not certain about it’s destination.

To be continued…

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