As much as my mind had a lot of questions running through, my stomach was also demanding its justice. I took my seat and began digging in, Liam would join me later.
After roughly thirty minutes, he came back. His face seemed pale and devastated.
“What’s wrong Liam?”
“Rita needs me.”
His voice seemed shook and damn right it would because that was against our ground rules.

“You know that’s against the ground rules. We made that very clear since day one.”
“I know babe but it’s just this night”
“That’s how it always starts this night, just for the weekend, one week, one holiday and before I know it I don’t see you.”
“Hey,” he holds my hand and there is a spark like the one I had when we first met, “it won’t happen again.”
“Rita should know the ground rules; I mean she does know right?”
His eyes looked left and his face down. I took my hand back.
“You did not?”
“I was going to Victoria. I was but I could not find the right time.”

“It has been three months. What else were you waiting for? Leave Liam. She must be wondering what is taking prince charming so long.”
I walked out and headed to one of the guest rooms. Five minutes later the front door was banged and his Chevrolet drove off. I was angry but at the same time I had expected this. I met Liam around eight years ago and he was everything I could dream of. Understanding, loyal and outgoing. Most of all we had almost everything in common, the only thing I guess we differed in was that I was vegetarian and he was omnivorous. Other than that, he was someone I would have wanted to spend my life with.

At first when things were starting to bring a light to my life, I feared loving him. Love was a myth to me and I feared having to give someone all my affection to break it in the end. With Liam, I was ready to take the risk. Although before things had gone too far, I explained to him I was fluid (what most people term as pansexual or bisexual) and to my surprise he was fine with it as long as I was happy. After breaking that to him, he asked if we wanted to be a couple and have an open relationship. Who was I to say no? I mean it was one of the things I wanted and it was happening.

He made me fall in love and deep for the first time in my life. What started as a spark resulted to a flame and before I realized we got married. The first four years were great we had each other to ourselves and my thirst for him around me in every way; he usually took to his duty to quench it. We travelled to every country we dreamt of and made great memories (wink).

After the four years, I thought it was time we had ‘fun’ with others. We had ground rules: No disturbance when we were together, Never get a child outside, Never forget what we had, No bringing anyone to our home especially to our bed and most of all to tell the other partner of our marriage (if it was getting serious). The ground rules were too easy and simple and we both agreed to them.

After getting on and off with other girls, he met Rita that was three months ago. He seemed to like her and I had no issue with it because we would still be together most of the time. Little did I know it was only the beginning, it went from just a hook up to late night calls. I should have at least asked him if she knew of our marriage earlier. I was confused on what exactly to be angry at; my stupid young horny self for agreeing to the open relationship, for not stating that no strings should be attached or for Liam not telling Rita. I still got to meet up with others but all of me from heart to mind and to my soul was attached to Liam. He was like meth, addictive and hard to get off from and I loved him like XO. I looked out at the window, remembering of how he assured he loved me more and he would do everything to proclaim the love we have in every way. But how Rita acted on him, you’d think that she was all the salvation he needed. Eight years later and I was stupid not to imagine of such an incident because I was drunk in love, my mistake.

My alarm beeped and I heard footsteps fade away. Too many thoughts from the last night made me fall asleep. I looked at the door and saw an envelope. I took more than half an hour to reach for it thinking if it was the divorce papers. I went for it prepared to meet the worst. The first thing I saw was Liam’s handwriting and the smell of his cologne. No expression could express how my heart was beating even the West African drums were not a suitable reference.

‘Hey. I am sorry about last night. I took the open relationship thing too far and I am sorry. I don’t want to beat around the bush but I don’t think if we can work; Rita and I. I can’t imagine losing you after these past years. Forgive me please? Come to the kitchen and I could make breakfast and we could talk then maybe we could leave some more scratches on the counter with your finger nails, pretty please?
Love,
Yours forever.’
Despite how angry I was, my hand reached out for the doorknob, my next destination being the kitchen

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I throw my bag to the floor and call out to my mum who seems not to be around as usual. Before I could make another step towards the kitchen I feel two hands on my waist grabbing me tightly and my feet above the ground.

“Hey princess” “Daddy” I say almost like a scream. I was happy, excited, all the joyful terms that one can use to describe a tremendous amount of happiness.

He holds me up and looks at me with his beautiful hazel eyes that clearly reflect mine but reflect more on the glorious moment we are having. A moment of happiness.

He moves to plant a kiss on my forehead and I close my eyes as I get ready to grasp the moment in.

My alarm goes off. It was a dream. The date states its father’s day. I’m not surprised.

I have a thousand reasons to hate you, a thousand more to be disgusted by you, a million to think I may be the reason you ain’t around but none makes any meaning.

I guess I learnt better. You are a part of my co-existence; despite the fact you ain’t here to see me through my existence at all.

You left me with a woman I call my mother but no one to call father.

I long for you so much. One fact about the dreams is that I never reach the part where you could kiss me on the forehead or tickle me or say let’s play cause these I only see from films enough to make me know or guess on what comes next after an embrace.

Funny thing is I can’t even feel the embraces; I tend to think that you may have done it when I was a child and my mind makes most of it seem real in the dreams and I find comfort in an unknown feeling.

As I celebrate you today, I just hope you are alive maybe I’ll meet you someday. For now I hope you have an amazing life than the one I have; and maybe with someone who will appreciate to have you as a father.

Cause I do. I wish you knew.

LOVE, 

Your daughter.

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In my entire life I thought I would never meet a man who was loving, caring, and kind. You changed me not entirely but what I am is mostly because of you. You made me love once again, be free and accept myself. You never judged anyone by their faults or past and didn’t expect me to change my ways so as to please you, that’s rare to find today.

I passed by our favorite café, where we first met and the experience was too good that you took me there for our first kiss. I arrived at our favorite spot; your grave. Yours because you had never found peace in your entire life nor the most peaceful place around but being buried must be peaceful now. Mine because I felt your presence.

We would be celebrating our anniversary if not for my foolish actions that led to your accident. One thing had led to the other and I am full of regrets. As I looked at your grave I asked myself ‘Would you forgive me?’ ‘Would you still love me if you survived?’. I wished I didn’t bring up the argument, I wished I didn’t ask , no , demand for you to leave, I wish you didn’t get in the car, I wish you had not have driven off angry and I wish I had stopped you. But if wishes were horses beggars would ride and if asking too much was begging then I hope I would earn my wish.

I miss you every day, wish you could embrace me tightly ; close to you, heat from the contact of our chests, the deep smell of your cologne and most of all to hear the heartbeat of your heart, each pulse making me smile. I’m a dreamer and a wisher but you knew that, that’s why you bought our dream house and my dream car. I never thought losing someone would inflict so much. The worst part is losing someone and a piece of them remains in an unexpected time.

The news of your death shocked me and made me unconscious. The doctor told me it was because of the horrible news and I was lucky as I did not get a miscarriage. You were going to be a dad. Things had happened too fast. We have an argument on kids; it ends up to your death and the gift of a new life. Thought I was always careful, we were careful but for the great pleasures in life comes consequences although I never thought consequences could be blessings.

In everything there are lessons, achievements, defeats and a lot of weirdness. As I stared at your grave it is a reminder of a lot and a lot to take in. How life can never be as you planned or as one can think although has a lot to offer. One thing might be taken from you and something greater can come in. I have to learn on motherhood, single parenthood and coping up with losing you.

Our son would not be able to know you but I will do my best to teach him what I learned from his great father. Reality is a bit shocking but we deal with it, that’s what you once taught me and I never knew a time would come where I have to put it into practice. My life is now a complete understanding of everything happens for a reason.

As I stared at your grave one more time continuously wishing you actually were by my side for once on that day after five months of losing you and having your baby, I realized it was time to go the hard way and adapt to the changes but always have you in my mind to use your wise words as guidance. I know I won’t be ready to answer questions like ‘Will you move on?’ but I guess it’s time to stop listening to the rhythm, face the music and admit to the real life. A feeling of pride and hope came to me and I felt a bump, I guess your son felt it too and we both agreed.

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