HAVE YOU EVER LOST IT ALL?

Have you ever been in love?

Tik.Tok.Tik.Tok. A cup of water in my hands. My heart is racing in my chest. My girl in bed. Tubes intercepting her veins. The little monitor goes with a little beep.(i don’t know what the doctors call it,but it looks like a little monitor) She’s my girl. But no. She isn’t. But most people know her that way. Mugambi’s Real One. And yet,it feels like i don’t really know her. Sigh.

I look at her again, hoping to see a trace of my girl. Tried looking under the sallow wrinkly skin for my girl’s natural glow of happiness but all I could see was despair and some type of resigned sadness. Searched beneath the pained frown on her face for some type of hope but all I could see was a small girl suffering and begging for relief.

I turned away, brushing the tear away before it made it’s way down my cheek. My heart ached for that girl lying all wretched on that hospital bed, but it simply couldn’t accept that it was the same girl whose smile used to light up the whole room. That girl would never have allowed anything put her down. She was a fighter damn it! Scratch that, my girl was a winner. She had won my heart as of all those who cared for her. My girl never gave up on anything. She never gave up on me or any of her dreams. So it wouldn’t make sense that she’d give up on herself, on us.

I know I sound selfish but all I want is for that dreadful disease to take back this shell it’s left me with and give me back the love of my life. I want that glow in her eyes back and to see all the amazing strength and energy that used to be packed in that petite body. But for some reason it all sounded like too much to ask.

Have you ever been broken?

I drain the water with one gulp and crush the plastic cup in my hand. Broken and angry is what I feel when I throw the crushed cup against the wall. I take a deep breath and face her again. This time I couldn’t stop the tears. They fall silently and for a moment I can’t breathe. I hold her fragile hand in mine and close my eyes, praying to the Big Man Upstairs. “I know I have never been much of a believer, but please, do this one solid for me. Please,” my heart whispers. My throat is too clogged up with grief to say anything. I bring our joined hands to my forehead and let the sobs I’ve been holding back for the past few months take over and wreck me.”She only has a few days left. There’s not much we can do.”  The doctor’s words replay in my mind and suffocate me with sorrow. Memories of us come in flashes and I begin feeling everything all over again, coupled with a little bit of anger and a great amount of hurt. Now my face and the front of my shirt are soaked in tears and I can’t stop crying. I try taking deep breaths. Control yourself, Mugambi. She needs you to be strong.

Have you ever felt hope?

Hope must be what twitches in my chest when I feel it. The tightening of her hand while in mine. I look up. Big, pretty brown eyes look down at me. They lack their usual glow but they are still the same eyes I fell for. “Mugambi”. It was barely a whisper but I heard it. Heard the plea in it. I hate that she had to see me like this. Broken and weak. I wiped away my tears and moved as close as I could to her. I slowly touched the side of her face and forced myself to smile.
“Baby. You’re awake. You’re going to be..”
“Don’t. “

It was almost inaudible but I could feel the force behind those words. She was begging me not to lie to her. I kept quiet and looked into her eyes. It was then I realized I was wrong. My girl was still there. I could see her clearly now, having fought the hardest fight of her life and now bravely facing her own death. I smile sadly, but this time it was genuine. She had always been the most courageous girl I had ever known. I kiss her forehead. Let her know of my undying love for her even as she faded away. She leaves a light peck on my forehead and let’s me know it’s okay. But it’s really not.

Have you ever lost it all?

Because that’s how it felt when I heard the beeps become irregular then flatline.