ESCAPING THE CAPTIVITY BROUGHT BY DEATH

Well, this is what the heart had to say but didn’t have the right words to put into place. Its 2am and l am as awake as the devil. Im in one of my deepest thoughts fighting demons that if l dared to say to you people you’d only think am crazy. Well, you are right l am crazy, crazy because l carry crosses too heavy for my heart.

l sit in my room staring for hours my face sunken and haunted, cold and empty and the more years went, the clearer the reality that you were no more dawned on me. “Do you know me? Well, l will tell you then. “l am he that conquers all the son of men, no pitch from my dart is free. l am talking about death. Death had called my king. I broke down as l watched drop on your knees as the last breath was pulling from your lungs. Like a silent yet faithful companion, l waited and waited for you to get up but instead you sped off into comforting the folds of darkness cherishing the sardonic smile l had bequeathed you as you told me it is okay while you stepped into a place of light. You were now no more and this was only the beginning of my demons. Probably, this pen is the only thing that gets the intensity of what l feel. l squeeze it too hard because my hand is sweaty and bleeding. l have twenty-six letters on my keyboard but l still don’t have the right words to express how l feel so get this l am a sad soul.

You know, sadness and l are best friends. Every day at 2am it creeps up on me. Sleeping beside me while my eyes are wide open. You see sadness is like hope but I’m hopeless and still not desperate for that kind of hope. l live in the darkness but it never overcrowds me but sadness has always been my ultimate nightmare. l don’t know when it will leave because when it does another leaf drops from the tree and history repeats itself. l am so afraid of having another session with history that I’d rather cling on to this sadness like a leech because am starting to find peace in it. I know am damaging my soul and heart. Oh please! I have had all that talk. Do they really know how it feels? Do they really know how am breaking inside? Do they know how it feels in my 2am, no, l thought so too. l have marks on my body because l cut myself while saying pain does not exist but in real sense it does. l didn’t have emotional scars because l am still bleeding and my heart is strong l just needed to find a new bond and l would be fine. This is what l always thought but it is easier thought than done. l have never felt so lost and alone that even the simplest tasks l was incapable of doing and this was when l learnt how damaged l was. For how long am l going to get caged in this kind of past? Even with all my feelings you are never going to come back and there is nothing l could do about that unless l wanted to join you of which l wasn’t ready at least not now. l had two options left to heal or heal. l want to heal because if love can fade then so can pain. l wanted to come out of this stronger. I have always found it impossible to forgive myself yet l wanted others to forgive themselves, make amends and heal. l could not preach water and drink wine so l forgave myself for letting me be held captive in the cages of death. l had to earn it till l was satisfied and this only happened because l chose to let go. You see somethings are just out of your control and those are the things that should least worry because Someone else is taking care of them. Forgiveness is letting go all negative vibes and remaining with what is left. lf nothing positive remains then the relationship was all negative even if invisibly so. To anyone going through this stop punishing yourself by being held captive to the cages of death. Choose healing because you have done the ordinary so let Him do the extra ordinary. If your guilt tears at your heart and rips you from the inside you are forgiven from whatever it is that dulls your shine. If no one has told you this then hear this you are too charming to fill your heart with so much hate and hurt. And if no one has told you this in a while then hear it from me l love you.