Different people choose to stay single for reasons that are diverse, and personal. Some find the peace while they are alone, some don’t want the ‘preasure’ that relationships come with. But for others, it is just a decision they make without any concrete reason.

I talked to a number of young people who were open to share their reasons and stories behind the reasons. Some names have been changed to hide their identity. These are personal opinions from personal experiences and shouldn’t in any way influence your decisions.

Read also: Bachelor advertises himself on a billboard in search for a wife

The dilemma of age

Maria,19

So I’m 19 and guys my age are basically at that point where they’re exploring alcohol, sex in very dangerous proportions but for me right now I’m literally self parenting.

I’m trying to create an amazing future for myself because I’m afraid of failure. So I started working, trying to build my portfolio by doing everything possible.

Then there’s that factor of older guys who I’m honestly attracted to because of how they think, they’re settled and know what they want but I am afraid that I’m too young to go out with an older guy for fear of being manipulated.

I’m smart but at the end of the day I’m only human. It’s like how I find it difficult to interact with my classmates because wueeeh siwaelewi (I don’t understand).

Maybe the sorrows of this world forced me to grow up too fast. It doesn’t mean I’m not exploring but I’m trying to be mature and smart about it. It’s the least I owe myself.

My space is more precious

Karen, 25

I meet people who want me to be a wife and mother. I don’t know why people think I can be a good mother. Also, I personally like my space, I’m not so comfortable to move in with anyone plus I hate house chores.

Dating a single mom

Wambui, 23

Most men don’t accept to date a woman who has a child. Especially if she is between age 18 – 25. I’ve had men who showed interest then ended up ghosting after they found out that I have a kid. Most of them feel like ati game haiezi anza 1-0 (the game can’t start 1-0). Well, some see it as a burden.

Then there are those guys who usually feel like when the child (in this case a son) grows up he might not have respect for him because he is not the biological dad. And you know men, men want to be the man of the house, they want everyone to be under their authority.

Singly in a relationship

Mary, 22

I hold onto the memories of my ex. I try to compare every man interested in me with him and none even comes close to it. So I’m basically singly in a relationship.

Read also: Confessions to my ex

First love messed it up

Clare, 24

I personally don’t feel the need of being in a relationship because of my past breakup. He was my first love, met him in 2018 when I was joining campo.

Things were smooth till they were not. There is an old phone that I once got in his house which flipped the whole situation. The phone had text messages of him ill-texting other girls about me.

I just went silent. And he never seemed to care anyway. We’d hardly communicate. Though we got back together after some time, which was really a bad move.

I later caught him cheating, with a girl that I know. Instead of even apologizing or feeling embarrassed, he got violent, started beating me and even broke my arm. From there I cut ties and just broke up with him.

The saddest part is that we used to go to the same church. That just made it hard for us to go separate ways for good. Funny enough, the guy had the courage to disrespect me Infront of his friends at church despite me acting cool and kind to him.

This really made me hate relationships because I just feel all men are just the same.

Finding love as a lesbian

Rosa, 21

Finding love has been a hard task for me, no lie. First, I’m a lesbian. That basically means that I’m not sexually attracted to men. I have been approached by men who showed genuine interest, a lot of them. My looks have the magnet to attract them to me – it’s however quite sad that I’m not into them.

On the flip side, getting a lady who is open minded as I am is not a walk in the park. It’s hard to spot them leave alone approaching them.

So I just choose to enjoy life till I meet the right one.

He never saw my value

Maureen, 22

I once dated this rugby player, and dude was so disrespectful. For instance when I got my national ID, I was super excited, very excited. I felt I was officially Kenyan and grown.

So when I called the guy all screamy, this is what he had to say, “Go back to Uganda you refugee, we don’t want you here.” I was super surprised and hurt with that statement. You’re my person, why would you call me a refugee? All along he had never seen like I belong here.

He always laughed when I’m hurt and  never made effort to apologize. Saying sorry was a taboo to him.

Another time, I told him my cousin had bought me flowers, I was very happy that I had flowers – girly stuff, you know. This guy misinterpreted it and told me straight up that I should stop pressuring him. Which I wasn’t and I didn’t even tell him to get me flowers.

Read also: 8 signs you’re in a toxic relationship

He was always the victim and narcisitic son of a Pharaoh. Whenever I was happy it would be a problem to him. I expected him to be Happy for me as well. Something he never did.

One day he said straight to my face, “Why do you work so hard I prefer lazy women.”

He mostly pressured me about going to his house. Yet he could never provide the means. He could break up with me anytime he felt like. I was so naive that I always simped and begged him to patch things up.

I was scared of being alone. I recall this one time he told me at 3am after sex, that he’s never been in love with me, he just loves me and he wouldn’t want to lose me. I wanted to kill him, I cried instead.

He was so toxic. I just wanted him to love me more than my Dad atleast. I wanted to experience what love is, I still do. I don’t know what being loved feels like. I’m the one who gives all the time. Being single has made me re-discover my hobbies again. I can think for me now.

The reason why he treated me like he wanted It’s because he saw me of little value. To him I was 20 bob. So now, let me raise my value more than 1000 so the next man will think twice before disrespecting me.

I want to love yes, but I want the same energy back. I want to experience what love really is. I don’t have to beg for it or lower my standards for this human’s sake. I also want to be appreciated taken for dinner dates. Or even go on a date for once in my life.

I don’t have a man, but I’m not alone

Faith, 24

I wouldn’t say I’m single, neither am I dating. I have someone but like we haven’t put a name to it. We are just there.

All we do is hang out, have sex and spend quality time together. But I wouldn’t say he’s my boyfriend. Though we are exclusive, like we agreed not to get intimate with other people.

At first it was hurting to see him talking to other girls. I could get jealous but with time I have grown to accept my position and I’m happy this way. I am not planning to get into anything serious or labeled. I’m comfortable this way.

I’m not ready, yet

Lynn, 30

I am still not in a place where I am ready to comfortably have a healthy relationship and this is because of various reasons;

a) I always feel that I should get into a relationship when I have a source of income

b) I haven’t met a serious man yet

c) I fear being heartbroken, I fear being hurt and I fear being played

Also, I always question myself if I will be enough for somebody. The question “am I enough?” always pops up in my mind anytime I think of relationships.

I’m manning up

Blvck, 24
These ladies are not trustworthy and also financially I don’t think I’m in a good position. I don’t think I am ready to cater for someone’s needs and I wouldn’t want to be seen as stingy.

I haven’t found a lady that fits in that ‘bubble’.

There is a time the lady I was seeing told me out of nowhere,

” Blvck, I like you, yes! you are funny, cute, loveable, talented na we ni mtrue, but you need to be serious with some things. I was to give you a chance to date me but I think you are not the best partner for me. You need to man up, atleast.”

That really drowned my ego. Around the same time, I discovered Amerix. I have been following the masculinity Saturdays and somehow I just feel I’m becoming a better guy by myself.

Ladies don’t know what they really want

Derrick, 24
I find it hard to trust any woman because I feel like they are not sure of what they want, plus I get bored so easily.

Personally, I am scared of hurting someone’s daughter. I have been in elationships before, of course.

I dated this girl for almost an year. So this one time I was to meet her in town at our usual spot. So this day I got to town, tried to call her but her phone happens to be off. I stayed in town waiting for her but to no luck. Her dad used to work in town but I couldn’t go there, you know.

Later that day, I got her apology with some other excuses. She was a single mom, I came to learn, and was still in contact with the baby daddy. I really didn’t have a problem with that but deep down I felt played. So we just called the relationship off.

My next relationship was fun, but sad as well. I met her in Campo. Our friendship was organic since we were classmates. Funny thing, her ex was also a classmate.

Sometimes I felt like the two had a fling behind my back despite her convincing me that everything was okay.

She was afraid to let the ex know that we were dating. That was a redflag, but I just chose to ignore. The relationship didn’t go far anyway.

Communication is always the key, but I am not very consistent with it. I like my silence. Sometimes I might just go silent, not that I have issues but because I just want my peace.

The other big issue was intimacy. There were times I was staying at my folks’ house and bringing the girl to my parent’s house was not a good idea.

I’m in the process of figuring myself out, and for some reason I just want a lady who has brains – which has been hard to find, of course.

Lastly, I just began my career. I am trying to stabilize my life. I have the fear of impregnanting a lady because that will mean another responsibility. Plus my finances at the moment has priorities.

Finding my purpose

Allan, 25
I’m single by choice. I came to a point in life where I needed to find myself, know what works for me, what my (God’s) purpose in life is, and know what I want for a partner.

Taking the time off, I found a purpose, I’m still working to fulfill me because I don’t need anyone to complete me, I know what may work for me – suitability, and now contemplating getting a person to spend the rest of my short life with.

I can’t settle for less

Spark, 23

I honestly don’t know why I’m still single. It’s probably because I can’t settle for less and I believe forever is too long to be unhappy. Nothing should hold us back in the name of love, we should go ahead and be everything we have been created to be in wholeness and fully.

There’s peace in single life

Sue, 20

I respect my personal life. I don’t want someone to mess with my plans, whatsoever. I wanna live without the need of making sacrifices in the name of love.

I neither want pressure of dressing in a certain way for a man.

Relationships have so much expectations and we keep choosing the wrong partners everytime. That is a messy life to live. Better be single and happy.

Greg, 23

Well, I have dated before and experienced this thing people call love. I actually think people date because they’re blinded by strong sexual desires which they term as love.

The reason why I am single is because I found total peace outside dating, peace from evil thoughts and emotions such as jealousy which couples often convey when their partners give others the attention they deserve.

This kind of jealousy is always sexual if you can do some research you’ll agree with me.

Conclusion?

DJ Missiles, 27

According to me many people choose to be single due to rejection.

While some people think that it is obvious for everyone to have a lover, some individuals, especially those with physical or mental complications are rejected, a situation which many people fail to admit.

Also, as one of the primary considerations of one’s suitor is physical appearance, some people are unfortunately viewed as ugly.

For instance if an individual is not approached in terms of love or if the person approaches several people and recieving negative feedback, he/she may give up on love, thinking that love belongs to certain people.

Any human being who lives, needs to be loved. Unfortunately, people with uncommon or conditions which are not easily considered by suitors, are rejected, either directly or indirectly.

Now, the victims who are rejected or think that they cannot be loved, do not reveal that the fact as to why they are not dating is because of their conditions, but they claim different reasons, to avoid embarrassment.

The post Confessions Of The Singles: Why I Choose To Stay Single appeared first on .

Most men are notoriously known of skiving this day by all means. They would chant of the men’s conference, forge an important appointment or sometimes just choose to go mute without a concrete explanation.

For some unfathomable reasons, ladies make this day to seem like it’s all about them. They will anticipate a date, gifts and princess treatment. They however hardly put in efforts to reciprocate the dealings.

Men’s conference, in as much as it gets hyped as a joke, some men use this as an escape goat. And tell you what, it works. There have been events that got staged on this day with the ‘men’s conference theme’ dangling on it. Robert Burale, a pastor and life coach is known to hold these events which invariably have a good turn up of men.

Funny enough, women also attend these events. Why would a lady show up on a men’s themed event? You ask. No one has an idea, yet.

In as much as women have expectation for this day, men also have expectations, just that they won’t openly tell you. They want to be taken out, gifted and pampered like baby boys, that they are. Of course, there are ladies that do this – gift their spouses and take them on dates.

The fact that ladies make this about them is the reason why men stage up these men’s conferences. Men who are in serious relationships will obviously miss these events, even though deep down they would wish to know what happens in such a setting. The singles who have a chain of unlabelled entanglements are the target audience.

Being in a polyamorous relationship can really sink one in a cul-de-sac come this day. The confusion of who to give the attention and spend the day with hits so hard. It only saves you if it’s a week day, at least you can use work pressure as an alibi.

The current generation hardly commits to relationships. They put their bet on different lovers to escape the heartbreaks. It is so worse that it makes it hard to find someone genuine with whom you can just be loyal to and do this love thing with.

Since time immemorial, ladies have been known to gift their men socks, vests, boxers and those type of things. Men might seem okay with you buying him boxers, but in real sense they want cars, a house, trip to Maldives and such. I mean, men won’t tell you this though – it’s an intel I just shared with you.

The question of whether gifting should be reciprocated is quite debatable. There are people who would wish to receive expensive gifts the same way they would gift you. There are those who wouldn’t mind whether the gift is expensive or not. It really depends on the person you are dating.

The best way to save yourself from disappointments and embarrassment is by lowering expectations. Appreciating your lover through gifting, dates, quality time is paramount. Understanding what your partner prefers for valentines is a topnotch skill that you should master. Also, it’s more of give and take – a two-way traffic, if you may. Ladies, at least surprise that man, make him feel appreciated.

Love is a beautiful thing, so they say. Valentines’ day is that appropriate day to show your person how much you love them. For singletons, you may use the day to appreciate the people around you; could be your siblings, your parents or friends. It’s not necessarily a day to show the love to your girlfriend or spouse, but anyone who deserves the love. Love is love.

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Well Valentine’s is never Valentine’s without the ladies and a man in love, you can tell by the rate at which girly stuffs are on sale while fast foods have better offers and roses are almost at every corner. Who is blind to not notice how busy men are in shopping stores. Seems like window shopping is their new hobby.

Apart from the general perception of what Valentine’s is all about and expectations, there are those specific expectations that women and ladies have towards this love month and to be specific on the fourteenth of February.

There is a norm that was turned to now an anthem that; Valentine’s is the day to get a gift for that special beautiful woman, yet there is more to what a woman expects depending on the stage of your relationship and timing. It doesn’t mean they no longer appreciate gifts, they do actually they are ardent.

First determiner of what your woman expects is to confirm her love languages. This is where most men end up ruining their valentine by opting the normalized Valentine’s culture of just grabbing a flower or a banquet.

Flowers are not that bad as a gift but most women will appreciate it being a supplement and not the main course.

One most important expectation that is underrated is a surprise engagement party. She will never say it but if you have been in a relationship for more than six months that’s the best news she’s expecting.

A vacation outside town. Who even said females are tedious and that exploration is not their portion, you had it all wrong actually most times this is where most babies are made. This helps in spicing the normal private life.

What’s more romantic than an outdoor date or dinner. Most guys don’t think this could be an option more so those who are used to weekly dates or the monthly ones but this is one of the secrets to having a splendid day full of good vibes away from people.

There is this act of service that alpha males and toxic masculinity is against but it’s worth trying. A little change doesn’t hurt and this includes preparing a special dish for her. There is nothing that touches a woman’s soul than to have a bite of her man’s cooking skills.

The last one being a dress, shoe, movie or a concert ticket or an appliance that she has been longing for. It could be an oven, toaster, coffee maker, washing machine, dishwasher depends on her interests.

As every man is dining to preparing what to get for valentine, the women should be on the move too to reciprocate the energy or even challenge the efforts.

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She had just broken the news that she met a guy at an event she had attended. Apparently, the guy wasn’t making any effort to atleast take her for the first date and get to know her. All he wanted was for Belinda to go and Netflix and chill at his place.

It irked her, since she felt the guy’s intentions didn’t align so well with what she wanted. She wanted a relationship, a serious one. Like any other lady around this time, she didn’t want to be idle on valentine’s day. She wanted to be busy with someone’s son, get flowers, a chocolate maybe and a fancy date somewhere.

A good number of women out there love it when a guy goes the long way to earn their heart. They want to be taken for the first date, second date maybe and after she is comfortable around you, she will agree to now come to your place. It is the right protocol that gives a chance to know each other. Some first dates go south which leads to a cul de sac – you never hear from them again.

First impression matters a lot. How you carry yourself on first dates will determine whether you get the second date or get a block. It goes a long way; how you treat the waiters, how you talk, your composure, how you breathe, how you swallow and a chain of other anticipations from the lady.

Most men, however, are not willing to go this long way. They prefer to watch things unfold right in front of their eyes. They will hold you on a grey area for months while they figure out if you really tick their boxes. There are many other reasons why men prefer ‘Netflix and Chill’ to first date thingy.

A thread once made laps on social media of women confessing why they love going on dates with strangers. A good number of them admitted to suggesting first dates because – wait for it – they just want free food. Yes, you read that right.

You meet a lady on social media, the vibe blooms and before you know it, you are at a fancy restaurant somewhere in town financing someone’s appetite.

Double standards plays a major role here. The same way guys will not put their intentions straight up on the table and say ‘I want you to come over so that we may get intimate,’ is the same way the aforementioned ladies will just lure you into dates for the sake of free meals. At half time, the game is 1:1.

It is paramount to put your intentions clear. It’s sad to have hidden agenda towards someone who is wholly genuine to have something serious with you. There is a common overlooked question that is mostly used on dating sites, “what are you looking for?” I find it to be a world class question, even though most people disregard it.

Knowing what someone wants from the word go is essential. It saves you time and energy. Instead of playing Tom and Jerry games around the bush, just come clear on what you want from the other person so that you know if you are on the same page.

Sometimes a man will tell a woman to go to his place for Netflix and Chill because he can’t afford to take her on a date. He’d rather call her over, cook and watch a movie or two. Most times, this is always misinterpreted and mistaken for a bootycall. That’s not always the case, especially if someone has genuine feelings towards you.

Also, if a lady asks for a date to get to know you more, it’s not that she is a gold digger and just wants free food. Not always the case. She just wants to get to know you more before she can make other decisions like being indoors with you.

After all, a real gentleman will not rush to invite a girl over to his place. He’ll set a date first, get to know the lady, and see how it goes.

It all narrows down to being clear to what we want from the other person so as to avoid being misunderstood. Letting the other person know what you want or expect from her will help them be aware of what they are getting themselves into. It gives them a chance to reconsider their decisions.

We don’t want to hear “She just spent my money and left”, “He was just after sex” and such like Abunwasi narratives anymore.

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Like any other human interaction, a couple will always have their happy moments and their low moments. They will have moments where they are playful with each other, share a snack, go on road trips together, rain kisses on each other and so on, and so on. Also, there will be those moments when issues will arise; mistrust, dishonesty or anger.

The two phases summarizes a clear picture of what to expect in any given relationship.

In as much as these behaviors may be present in a relationship, there are extends when they can be hurtful, if not detrimental. Once you spot a continuous negative trend in your relationship, that’s a sign that your relationship is morphing from healthy to toxic.

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship is a relationship where your partner behaves in a manner that is emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically damaging. A toxic relationship is characterized by dominance, control, insecurity and self-centeredness.

It can be extremely draining to survive in a toxic relationship. You might be swept off from important aspects in your life such as:

• Your productivity might go down

• Your mental health might be tampered with

• If you are a student, your grades might flop

• Your interaction with friends and family might also change

Sometimes, one could be in a toxic relationship without noticing. Love can blind you to an extend of believing your partner will change with time. It is advisable to trust your instincts once you notice a red flag from your partner, lest you sink into an abyss of a toxic relationship.

Here are 8 signs that you’re in a toxic relationship

1. Controlling Behaviours

Once you start noticing your partner is being dominant and controlling, that’s a crystal red flag that you’re in a web of toxic relationship. Your partner should be understanding, caring and ready to help you in any aspect of life.

Controlling behaviours are not healthy in a relationship. They depict superiority over the other, which is not good. A couple should see each other as equal and one.

These controlling behaviors may include:

• Blaming you

• Isolating you from friends and family

• Creating unnecessary drama

• Unclear mood swings

• Ignoring you for no apparent reason

• Expressing conditional love

Controlling partners often insist that you do things their way. They will even go extra miles to change you – dictate how you dress, how you talk and even how you behave around people.

2. Jealousy

Every relationship involves at least a pinch of jealousy. It is normal to feel jealous when your partners does something that you didn’t expect e.g being too friendly to their opposite gender.

However, a toxic partner might not take some things lightly and end up overreacting. Just like a controlling partner, a jealous partner might not find it fit for you to look, dress or talk in a certain way in front of people with the fear that other people might get attracted to you.

A jealous partner might turn your life into a living hell by restricting your day-to-day activities such as being on social media, interacting with the opposite gender or even hanging out with friends.

The perfect medicine for jealousy is always trust.

3. Toxic communication

Communication is key to a lasting and healthy relationship. A couple that communicate how they feel, what they want and what bothers them stay together happily.

In a toxic relationship, communication is occasionally cemented with criticism, sarcasm and hostility. A toxic partner might embrace communication, but his way of communicating may turn you off and blow you out of the arena of love.

Once a relationship is replete with toxic communication, it’s often hard to express oneself, or even engage in a meaningful conversation.

4. Dishonesty

An honest partner is one to cherish and forever trust. Like they say, if you want trust, be honest.

Dishonesty is a spice in a toxic relationship. Your partner might give you unclear information, or recurrent lies that will snatch your patience and trust. It is hard to trust a dishonest person, worse a partner.

Love that is built on lies hardly survive. The lies will eventually break the walls of trust. Once trust is broken, nothing that comes from their mouth will look genuine.

5. No effort

Balancing on a scale of 50-50 effort is always a fair ride. Everyone feels comfortable and happy when efforts are Mutual in a relationship. Partners who don’t put in any amount of effort to help stabilize a relationship are toxic.

They will let you do everything by your own and even throw blames at you when you don’t. A good relationship is where feelings are clear between each other. Where the man Expresses his love and the woman reciprocates.

A toxic partner might send you mixed signals that will automatically confuse you. Some basic efforts that your partner should express include:

• Communication

• Spend time together

• Go for dates

• Plan the future together

6. Nothing gets resolved

As aforementioned, relationships have their ups and downs. In a healthy relationship, the downs are always fixed but in a toxic relationship, the issues will never be resolved. They will apologize today and repeat the slip-up again tomorrow.

Toxic partners hardly change. They swing on promises of ‘i’ll be a better person, just give me this one more chance.’ But nothing change.

7. Trust issues

Love without trust is as good as null amd void. A toxic partner will always lack trust in you, no matter how many times you prove your loyalty. They will even blame you for unfaithfulness where as you are clean and loyal.

Trust issues are very evident in a toxic relationship. In most cases, the toxic partner will blame you of cheating when they are the ones sleeping around. They play the reverse psychology so as to make you feel inferior and the one always in the wrong.

Trust issues might stem from previous events in the relationship, or constant behaviors such as spending more time on social media.

8. Strip your self esteem

A toxic lover will want to see you inferior and helpless. They will speak ill of you, criticize your looks and even comment negatively on your physical structure. Such occasions strip one’s self esteem and makes you feel worthless.

Their happiness is derived from seeing you feel worthless. They always want to be seen as the bigger person.

Having a positive self esteem is paramount. One shouldn’t be made to feel worthless or inferior in any way. When you notice your partner is being toxic, it is best to walk away from the relationship.

Conclusion

Staying in a toxic relationship is akin poking your own wound. It will drain your energy and even through you into depression. In as much as you love your partner, it is best to protect your mental health and walk away.

Toxic partners sometimes don’t realize they are toxic. This makes them feel they are doing the right thing when in real sense they are putting you in a depressing situation. Red flags will always be there from the start. It is your role to spot them and decide what you want, or how you can fix them before they get worse.

Choose wisely, don’t let the toxic ones choose you.

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Shawn and Diana were everyone’s mirror of true love. A facebook post could pop of them at serene locations having a good time, at times you’d bump on their pics on instagram feed in their PDA spree and on bad days, you’d always be fed with relationship motivational quotes on WhatsApp status – we all knew the targeted audience (in singular)of those quotes. The relationship was a whole telenovela and I was a loyal follower.

My shoulder was always ready to give her the comfort to lean on, as she vent – after all, that’s what BAEsties are for. This time round, Shawn was claiming that she changed, that she is no longer as fun as before, that she is acting cold and boring – last time, the issue was that she drinks too much and she needs to CHANGE.

According to a 2017 study on relationships by the PEW Research Center, it asserts that only 64% of couples are in a perfect, happy relationship. These couples fit together perfectly than a jigsaw puzzle. They have common interests, have healthy communication and a stable trust base. The study further states that healthy relationships are structured on your communication skills with your partner – how often do you complement your partner, do you open up, do you tell your partner when he wrongs and so on.

Millenials have turned relationships into a slavery spot. We want what quenches our desires, and ignore our partner’s. We give our needs a priority and forget that our partners also have void desires.

There is a question that we have all encountered. The question always strikes like the lightening of the southern end of lake maracaibo ( Geographers wassap!). The questions goes like, what do you look for in a partner? In my opinion, this is a question that promotes self-centred demeanor. Infact, if you woke me up from my sleep and asked for my take on this, I’ll still say it’s a question that powers narcissism.

I correct, everyone has a wish, and the wishes evolve as we grow old. When you were young, you once wished to have a foreign lover – international kind of love but with time we grow to accept reality and realize that all you can wish for is an African built guy with abs, well chopped jaws with a voice that Samuel L Jackson can’t beat – whereas the male version of you wishes for a lady wish curves like Monalisa, lightskin, soothing vocals accompanied with soft, red lips. Look at us now, in the right relationships with the wrong people.

What do you look for in a partner? Yes, you want all those qualities in your dream girl, but do you meet her qualification standards? Eeh? And if you don’t meet the qualifications, are you ready to change for her, or will you change her. Or…you’ll preserver the flaws? For a life time, maybe?

Before you think of an answer to that, the self proclaimed 21st Century Eisnteins claim, “if you are not dating for marriage, then you are dating for a heartbreak.” Over to you, will you persevere the flaws?

I watch Steve Harvey show quite a lot. Steve is a funny, wise guy – a very rare combo. I was watching one of his episodes and he went on uttering something worth quoting, “All men can change, but that doesn’t mean that all men will change. There’s only one woman whom we will change for. If a man is not willing to change, it means that you aren’t the one.”

Change comes from within. It doesn’t have a button that you press and oops! You change. It’s a process that involves the inner you. You really have to accept wholly that the new version will be compatible to your spirit – and not a forced intuition.

Love has forced many to change. Some change careers, some change habits, friends, character. This relationship-inspired changes come in two decisive forms. One, you might change because you want to be the best version for your partner. Two, you might change because your partner tells you to and three (oopsy daisy! I didn’t tell you there is a third one) you might change because of both the reasons. In as much as change is good (in favour of either you, or your partner) you should always have your mental health as a priority. Have it in the co-driver’s seat – buckle it up. You still have a life to live, you still have a life that depends on that change that you are about to morph.

Changing for love should come from within you, I repeat (I’d have two dollars now if I got paid a dollar for everytime I repeated this.) The committee in you must all sketch the signatures and convince your mind, body and soul that the decision is as worth as the person you are changing for. I will stick this famous line here as I close the door behind me, “if they want you to change, they don’t love you for who you are.”

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“I will miss you too,” I whispered back, and bent my head to meet hers.

It was the last day of a one week youth mentorship workshop. The week had been amazing, but I hadn’t figured it ending with me being so close to someone’s daughter.

It all began on that Monday morning. I was late for the pilot session. Well, blame Mombasa road traffic. So, I grabbed a seat and sat to the closest spot I could find. That spot happened to be directly opposite to her. I kept on staring at her. In my head, I was just wondering what an entrancing girl like her was doing in such a setting – she should have been on the runway sashaying that glam or somewhere pausing for some magazine photos.

Once in a while, our eyes met and we both fidgeted awkwardly on our seats.

As time went by, we got comfortable around each other. We started spending time together at lunch breaks. After the sessions, we’d sit at a peaceful spot near the gate and talk amidst the evening breeze. She later introduced herself as Grace.

She had a sweet voice that laced a coast accent. For some reason, I just wanted to hear her talk and talk and… You know, talk some more. Her dreadlocks made her flash a personality that bore both boujee and gangster. And her physique? A perfect 8.

The week slid well. A bonfire night was organized to end the workshop in style. And this is when I wished we could reverse time and start all over again. All through the week, we had been talking as friends. And it so happened that feelings were beginning to knock on the door.

“Yes, I will miss you when I go back to Naivasha.”

“But we will still be talking on phone, right?”

“Yeah but…” she turned to look at me with lazy eyes, “… I want to see you.”

“I am here.” I said, avoiding eye contact.

“No, I mean, I prefer being this close to you than talking on phone.”

Then silence struck. I rushed into my thoughts to forage for the right words to counter that line. I knew very well where this was heading to. I, personally, felt we were rushing things. I know she felt the same way too. But also, I felt like we had known each other deeply enough to even get married, already. Furthermore, it’s the 21st century where people meet on tinder and end up arranging for weddings even before they meet. What can’t happen?

“I’d love that too.” I said.

“I have a question, Ian.” She sat upright then turned to my direction. I knew the time had come. I wasn’t sure what my reply would be, but I could guess what her question would be. I turned to look at her. She looked cute, I could see the reflection of the fire in her eyes. This whole set-up felt like an excerpt of a scene from a Mexican soap opera.

She cleared her throat, then asked, “would you date me?”

“Of course, I would,” came my reply without hesitation.

“Why?” She asked. And that’s when she lost me.

The reasons I had in head wouldn’t sound mature if I decided to tell her. You know, like the one I mentioned up there – yeah, the accent turned me on. So, I didn’t tell her that. Instead I kept quiet and pretended to be thinking While scratching my chin. For almost 2 minutes.

“Okay, you know what, let’s go and sleep.” She flipped her dreadlocks behind then stood up.

“No, no, no, wait… I honestly don’t know how to answer the ‘why’ part of that question. What about you? Would you want us to date?”

“Maybe.” Came her reply, brief like a miniskirt.

“What time is it?” I asked, diverting the topic.

“1A.M, let’s go and sleep. This convo is getting worse by the minute.”

We stood up and swaggered to our rooms.

I could feel her frustration. We were just two souls who weren’t sure what we really wanted. Or perhaps, we knew what we wanted but didn’t want to take the risk. I still can’t figure out which.

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Here are 10 tips for a healthy relationship

1. Make “me” time a priority

This is probably the most important thing to wrap your head around. What does “me” time have to do with enriching “us” time, you ask? Well, to nurture your relationship with another person, you first need to connect with yourself. That means self­love. This goes further than spa days (although those are lovely!). It’s about spending quality time alone every day and doing something you love, maybe reading a book, taking a bath, spending time in nature, meditating, journaling, etc.

Make a list of all the nourishing things you love to do and then make a conscious decision to choose time for you every day. Write it in your calendar. By taking this time, you’ll not only fill your own cup, but you will also have more resources—energy and patience—for your partner and their needs. Having a morning and/or evening routine is often successful, especially if you have kids. It will ensure that you’ve chosen time for yourself either before the distractions of the day get in the way or after the kids have gone to bed and your house quiets down.

Another important and effective way to have regular personal time is to let your partner know in advance that you need 30 to 60 minutes for yourself on occasion. This gives your partner the opportunity to support you, while also knowing they have the option to have their own “me” time, since it’s something we all need. Sharing your goals will also keep the air clear and avoid any miscommunication between you.

Making time for yourself is one of the healthiest ways you can maintain your relationship, however contradictory it may seem. Work to make “me” time a habitual practice in your life.

 2. Ask questions beyond just “How was your day?”

At the end of a long day, we tend to mentally check out of our lives and, consequently, our relationship. We rely on the standard question, “How was your day?” But because we hear that question so often, many of us will reflexively just respond with the bare minimum: “Fine. How was yours?” This does nothing to improve your connection and can actually damage it because you’re losing the opportunity to regularly connect in a small way.

If your initial “How was your day?” doesn’t spark much conversation, try asking more creative follow-up questions: “What made you smile today?” or “What was the most challenging part of your day?” You’ll be amazed at the answers you’ll get, with the added benefit of gaining greater insight into your significant other.

3. Communicate to solve conflict

As with anything, open communication is necessary when it comes to building and maintaining a healthy relationship.

And in a long-term relationship, calm, open, and constructive communication is essential when it comes to solving conflict since no interpersonal bond ever comes truly free from conflict.

4. Accept differences.

One of the biggest challenges we experience in relationships is that we are all different. We can perceive the world in many ways. Certainly astumbling block that we come across when we try to build relationships is a desire or an expectation that people will think like we do and, in this way, it is so much easier to create a rapport. We feel more comfortable when we feel that people “get” us and can see our point of view. Life, however, would be very dull if we were all the same and, while we may find it initially easier, the novelty of sameness soon would wear off. So accepting and celebrating that we are all different is a great starting point.

5. Don’t assume your partner knows what you want and need from him/her

Assumptions like this can breed resentment and disappointment when it turns out your partner isn’t aware of a particular need.

It’s not uncommon to have thoughts like, “If she really cared she would just know to do X.” The problem with this is that we all have different expectations of each other. We often learn these expectations implicitly — from observing our parents, or from movies, or from friend’s relationships. We’ve all learnt different strategies for different situations, so our assumptions of what is appropriate are likely to differ.

Talk with each other about what you need and what you prefer. For example, “When I storm out of an argument in tears, it makes me feel cared for if you follow me to comfort me,” or “When I storm out of an argument in tears, I’d really appreciate it if you’d leave me alone to clear my head, so I can come back and discuss it when I’m calm.”

6. Make time to be a couple

This one is especially important if you have children.

One of the biggest relationship vulnerabilities is child-centered marriages. Sometimes when you become a family, you forget what it’s like to be a couple.

Some people struggle with feeling selfish if they make time for themselves. It can feel like they’re not putting their kids first, which can be hard!

7. Support your partner

Having a heart that is dedicated to serving others and assisting them to accomplish their desires & dreams will always get you further in life. Partners in a relationship should have this kind of heart. It does not mean that one forgets about themselves and their wellbeing. It only indicates that you should serve your partner and encourage them to do the same for you. In this way, you build each other up and grow stronger as a couple as well as an individual.

8. Respect your partner

Having respect for someone means that you see their unique qualities as being valuable in making them exactly who they are. Moreover, you take their desires seriously. Respect allows the partners in the relationship to foster and create equality between them. Moreover, it allows them to be thoughtful and consider each other in every decision that affects them. Care and concern in a relationship are both a result of mutual respect in a relationship.

9. Don’t Forget the Small Things

Saying please and thank you shouldn’t be reserved for the company. Manners are important – even with the person you’ve been with for 20 years. Extend the same respect to your spouse as you would to a visiting guest. Say please and thank you, make polite conversation and why not offer your partner a drink? A few manners and niceties will go a long way to maintaining a culture of mutual respect.

10. Be appreciative.

No really, show your love and appreciation on a consistent basis and not just on holidays, birthdays and when you “want something.” Feeling appreciated is a basic human need and sometimes in the mad rush that comprises our days, we forget that a simple “thank you” or a special little gift (for no real reason at all) or simply carving out a little extra time for each other can sweeten even the best of relationships.

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Word has been out there already that girls bring themselves down – that they are their own downfalls. And that is nothing far away from the truth. Your friends will want to see you do good, but not better than them.

What are these dark traits, you ask. Here are those traits that makes girl-friendships look bad. Feel free to add some in the comment section, or also share an experience.

Competition
Female friends compete so much. This could be openly or just under the water. They will want everything you have. They will go extra miles to just purchase what you purchased. Sometimes they’ll do this to make you feel jealous or feel small.

Whilst these friendships are fun to be around with, the unhealthy competitions might make you feel depressed and low. The worst of it is that they don’t show the competitions straight forward. You will just use common sense to realize your friend is trying to be better than you.

Sometimes they openly ask the price of the things you have. Be it the weave, the gloss, or the dress. They will want to know the price so that they may but the same, or just hit you with the, “they overcharged you, I know where you can get a cheaper one.”

Jealousy
Jealousy is common in these friendships. Yes, they are your friends but like I said earlier they don’t want to see you doing better than them. They want to be on top. They want to be the focus.

They will get mad at you anytime you pull out with a new dress or a new hairstyle. They will pretend to like it, but deep down they hate it that you are stunning.

Jealousy can also come in when you are in a happy relationship. They will do anything to see you suffering or having hard times with your boyfriend. They might end up giving you bad advice or even discouraging you. It is always best to not share everything with your female friends, especially your love life. But can you?

Disappear during hard times
You will realize that most of these friendships are there when you are happy, having a good time and just vibing. But what happens when you hit rock bottom? You find yourself alone. Yes, right.

Most of these friends hardly come through when you are going through hard times. They will give all sorts of excuses to just distance themselves from you.

This could answer why most ladies prefer having male friends. Male friends are, undoubtedly, loyal. They will help you and won’t go around talking about it to others.

Back biting
They will laugh with you, then later laugh at you. This is common in these cliques. They will praise you in your face, tell you everything you want to hear, then later talk all the negatives that they held back.

In as much as it’s good having friends, it’s also good to not share every detail about your life. Because you don’t know how that detail will be used later.

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“I wish I met you before my wife” is the line most married men will use to lure young girls into having affairs with them. These men will lie about having issues with their wives and even have the guts to tell you they don’t stay together.

Two weeks into frequent dates and chatting with them, they will invite you to their home. At this point you already know that he wants nothing else but sex. Those who have housewives will book a hotel room for the two of you, just so they can escape the claws of their wives.

It is a daring experience. And this does not only happen between married men and young women. Married women have also learnt the ropes in the game. They have mastered the art of luring young men into the chase.

It is all rosy and paradise untill you are caught pants down. You have probably seen the many videos online of people being shot, stabbed or even fought mercilessly by their partner’s married lover.

In one video I came across on someone’s WhatsApp status involved two people having their good time in bed. Then later a guy storms into the room with a knife and starts stubbing the guy who was chewing his wife. The guy manages to kick the husband and escapes. The husband then directs the anger to the wife and stabs her to death. It was a sad one.

Having an affair with these married people doesn’t end well. People have anger out here, and they will direct it to you when you you cross their line.

Young people engage with with married people for many reasons such as:

– Sexual fantasy

– Financial benefits

– Curiosity

– Security

– Genuine love

Sexual fantasy

Fantasies are free, and everyone is free to have them. The older people have the fantasies of dating younger people. They wish to have the young energy restored. With this in their fantasy bucket list, they will go against their marital vow and engage with young people.

This also applies to young people. Young people have fantasies of getting between the sheets with older people. This leads them to get sugar daddies and sugar mummies so as to quench their fantasies.

Financial benefits

It is automatic that an affair between a married person and a young person is always transactional. The married person will offer money and other benefits such as gifts so as to gain the attention of the other party.

These young people will fall for that. The reality is, most young people are broke. They are in the line of applying for jobs, building careers and maybe still schooling. When a married person comes their way and promises money, they will just give in to the trap.

Curiosity

People are always curious to know what they don’t know. Married people will want to know how it feels being in a relationship with a young person. They will leave their wives at home and go fetch a younger girl at the club, just to feed his curiosity.

Security

Ladies love feeling secured. So do men. Security doesn’t necessarily mean being protected from harm. But here, security also means being financially sure, and not worry about anything.

The quest to have a financial security will lead someone to giving in to a married person.

Genuine love

Apart from it being transactional, it can also come out as genuine love. The married man could be genuinely in love with you. And vice versa.

After all, the line “I wish I met you earlier” could be coming from the heart. The only obstacle here is that the other person is married and maybe has kids already. But since you love them, you continue sticking around.

In most cases, married people will not tell you how dangerous the affair can get. They will only show you the happier side. The glittering side of life where money, gifts and sex are involved.

There are affairs that turn out well. Where the married party in the relationship decides to divorce or separate with the wife/husband and settles with you. This is a rare occasion. You will even here some telling you straight in the face that they can’t leave their wife, and neither can they leave you.

In instances where the married person is not ready to divorce or separate the spouse, you might end up being either of these two things, a clandestine or a second wife. The latter can only apply when the wife is not a psycho.

An argument was once raised on Twitter. Where a guy had tweeted “when the husband is rich, the wife will not bother even when he cheats as long as he comes back to her.” This aroused feelings in many tweeps. Many came out saying it’s not about the wealth or the money but the betrayal.

It is unfortunate that people take vows then end up going against them after settling together. It is roundly unfortunate that young people are losing their lives.

As aforementioned, some of these married people lie that they are not married thus easily luring youths into the trap. So many young girls have fallen in love with married people thinking that they were bachelors. Also, mny young men have gotten themselves in these traps where older women seduce them with money.

Like Bien of Sauti sol said, “Bibi ya wenyewe ni no go zone.” Yes, they should be voided, unless you want to go six feet under this early.

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