“Hey baby, don‘t tell me you are not coming over for the weekend again”, read the text on the pop up notification. Don’t ask me what l was doing with someone else’s phone. It’s like Sautisol sang the insecure purposely for me. This lady here is so
insecure. I was broken and really shattered. I felt like l had been robbed off the tape to keep my calm together. “You mean he has been visiting someone else over the weekends? You
mean l am not good enough? Is it because this quarantine is slowly messing with my body shape? For how long has this been going on?” Endless thoughts crisscrossed my entangled mind. What if what we have was just an entanglement? Like the Jada~Alsina shit. I tried to swallow the anger when it was a fired seed because I knew he was almost done with his shower.

I quickly returned the phone at the exact position and brought one of the best smiles one could ever put on. I forgot to drink something cool so the fire seed grew in my belly and l could feel it come as hot as any dragon has ever flamed. “Hey boo, something came up and I really need to rush home”, l said as l rushed for the door. I couldn’t wait to reach home. The
kind of pain l was feeling crushed me and leaving me broken in and out. It felt like someone reaching inside me and pulling my guts with bare hands. It was like being ripped rather than
being cut so intensely that you don’t even know if the feeling will ever leave you.

l tried getting up from my bed but quickly realized how futile it was. I had to bite my lips to keep myself from crying out. A sharp pain lanced through my head as tears flashed out of my eyes. I felt like my whole body had been beaten and every movement caused some muscles to ache. I felt so betrayed. I was a sad soul. This sadness was my albatross. It lay like a dirty snow over every other emotion, greying my spirit and tainting all that could bringme joy.

Just like any other normal human being, l wanted to give him a piece of my mind so l wrote one of those lengthy texts. “Hey Craig, so this is how you payback for all the goodness
l have always showed you. All the times l have stuck with you. All the bad days, l still chose to be with you. How could you cheat on me with the stupid girl you call Mamushka? What
about all the promises we made to each other? Had all that been a joke? It’s okay, l hope you find greener pastures.

Immediately I pressed the send button and what came afterwards
still shocks me to date. “I thought you were mature, you now want to compete with my mom.

That’s some nerve you have young woman. What were you doing with my phone? What’s the point of dating with no trust? You know what? I am so done with you!” Just like that l had lost the love of my life. Hivyo tu imagine! What I’m saying is Iook through the whole situation.

lf l were a dynamic thinker, I would have seen the relationship between
concept rather than being tied to binary thinking. Stop overthinking it kills your happiness.

Never make choices that matter when you are angry. Perhaps, this way your life will turn for the better. I know we might not always make the right choices but if the balance of good to
bad shifts in our favour, everything will be awesome.

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l follow blindly everything you say because l am afraid of loosing you and leaving a life without you. l know its addiction, everyone tells me that but its too painful to let go. l want to tell you about the power of love. It brings hope but sometimes its just a stepping stone towards more pain and more drama.

l know you never really loved me but loved the way I loved you, but you see, l am the most patient person on earth. l wanted to patiently wait for you to turn into something better but in the process l lost me. I lost my worth and l lost my standards. lf in life we are defined by the choices we make then l am a monster. With all the pain you caused me l still chose to stay. l stayed because you’d make me feel terrible about myself, you’d make feel like the bad guy. You are a narcissist. l noticed this from your fragile ego, the indifference walls that you built and how you seeked status to hide your vulnerable self.

You made me feel bad to make yourself feel good. You like complete devotion from people. You’d pretend not to like compliments but you’d also die inside if not told. You withdrew your love right at the start. As soon as l was addicted to your touch. Every attempt to get away from you proved futile because you would always torment me that if l loved you l would teach myself to stick with you through thick and thin.

Honey, can’t you see you have taken more, accused more, had more ice storms but you will still blame me, you coward, you unspeakable coward. l am done loosing me in attempts to make you find yourself. l am done pleasing you because l want my energy matched. lnshort, l am done being a victim of your spell. l am done being the one to make you find you while am loosing me. l am done being your pupoet. l am done being a rehabilitation center mending broken soul when l have my troubles to myself. I am done being a lovesick fool. l am tired of wasting my time and making a fool out of myself.

l want to heal. l want to be good enough for someone. l want to be looked at too. l want to know what affection feels like. l want someone to match my energy. l want to love and be loved back in return. l want everyone to be on the lookout for narcissists and their traits. They will belittle you to make themselves feel good.They love constant admiration and would do anything to get it. They think they are the only important people and tend to associate themselves with the chosen few. They are not happy with other people’s success’s. They envy alot of people and instead think that this people are envious of them.They will be on the wrong and make you feel like the bad guy. Free yourselves from this kind of ties. Ties that make you loose your worth. Ties that don’t make you grow to a better person. Be Free ,its a free world

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l don’t know if he is ever going to see me the way l see him. l dont have a bigger bust, a smaller waist, a bigger butt, blonde hair and more self confidence. This thoughts are already giving me a headrush because l know for a fact l have nothing on the girls he hangs out with. My friends think I’m obssesed with him for liking all his pictures on Instagram, knowing what school he is in, who he hangs out with, his favorite suit. Okay l admit it, but am not obssesed, l just happen to know things about him.

l love his view from my bedroom window. I am usually up by six for him because that’s the time he gets ready for his morning run. l wish l could jump from my window and tell him how in love l am with him but l just can’t for reasons best known to my ego. Whenever he looks up at my window l quickly shut it because l don’t want to be caught staring to sights that please my eyes. May be l am too afraid to admit it. This guy has made me see other guys as two dimensional paper drawing.

I am not good at talking, whenever l try expressing myself, emotions whirl in my soul and my throat tightens. l only end up say ‘poa’ when he asks ‘umeshindaje’ on those God given days that l happen to speak to him. l am such a dushbag, l know right. Do not even remind me. l really wanted to shoot my shot even though society has a different way of seeing this. The thought of all girls hanging around him killed me because l wanted him for myself. I was done drowning in the oceans of love so yesterday l decided to make a move. l wasn’t just going to watch him slip from my hands that easily.

lt was around 4:20 when he passed by. “Hey Craig wait up ” and he was like “Razia pole sana imagine sikua nimekuona” ouch! you mean am not that attractive. Despite this, l still had the audacity to melt to his tone. Pin drop silence… how is that remotely possible with my heart somer-saulting and him standing dangerously close to me. His eyes locking me in a trance and with so much intensity. He looked at me seductively and l figured out he liked me too. Atleast that’s what l thought.

“Razia l really want to ask you something” and l was like “Craig there is something l want you to know”. Being the gentleman he was he let me go first and there l was telling him how in love l was with him. How l wanted an us, how l wanted a forever with him. l said all this with so much enthusiasm and l was sure something good was coming my way. We had five akward minutes of total silence then l was like “Your turn now”. “You know Razi what l wanted to ask you was your best friend’s number Aisha. l just didn’t know how to ask her because she looks way intimidating. l hope you won’t take offense but l just don’t see you the way you see me. You are like my little sister.”

Those words hit differently specifically because they came from him. Had my shot gone sour? He did me dirty by encouraging me to be bold. My eyes were filled with balancing tears as my heart processed this emotions faster than a kid flipping radio channels. I was hurt, l can’t deny. My feelings went from level to rocky. l was fighting a mixture of emotions. Should l cry, should l tell him to think about it. All these emotions were vying for dominance. I am still hurt so send me cute comments.I hit Craig with an ‘it’s okay’ and left without giving him Aisha’s number.

l just wanted to let you know if you cannot handle rejection, dont shoot your shot it will end in premium tears.

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Some folks wear smiles but this guy was the smile. Billy was like a swimwear model. Black, clean cut and the recepient of a humour bypass. But if you wanted efficiency he was your man. The day you said hi l immediately fell in love. l had already pictured a forever with us and was happy with how karma was going easy on me despite my shitty past.

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l had longed for this day, the day you would look at me the way a woman is to be looked at. The days l set my eyes on you I’d already lost my entire world. How can you hang on something so incomprehensible. After two days we were already a thing. Fast enough huh? Just the way l like it. ln your embrace the world stopped at its axis.

No time, no wind, no rain but just you and me. lt felt like home because l had found peace. When my world exploded from the inside you were the man l wanted next to me. l promised myself to do everything within my will to make you comfortable. l noticed you liked girls with blonde hair so l went and made mine blonde. l noticed you liked girls with a much lighter tone and l made mine extra lighter. l also noticed you liked your women thick and heavy and I’m l even your woman if l can’t check all your right boxes. l did the necessary too.

How quickly your love turned to hate as if you didn’t even fight dont understand. You let that negative emotion swallow you and pour acid on your soul. You said you loved me and l took you at your word. l asked myself endless questions wondering what it is that l did wrong. You told me l was your soul mate and l even thought that l had become a bedrock of your personality .

Right now am howling alone, on the verge of something to happen because l can smell danger from a distance. Things are creeping into my body, my mind is on fire and my thoughts are burning. You rarely come home. You act as if my love was owed to you and you give me only apathy. You talk to me as if l were a stranger. l miss the man l fell in love with. He would have kicked your ass out of this Godamn room for speaking to me like that.

All l am is sadness every other emotion pushed out of my being. I found your message, you want a break up. You want to leave like the G you think you are after taking out of my innocence and pureness. l know see, l fell victim of misplaced trust yet to you it was just lust. You got me falling for your eyes yet behind that you were full of lies. Your familiar hands now give me a stranger’s vibe.

Am a victim of giving love that will never be reciprocated. l am a hurt soul. Dear love don’t loose yourself trying to please the other. People have different intentions and sometimes some just want to have fun and want nothing serious.

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