And yes, I’ve been there. Caught between the “we’re just friends” and “I miss you” texts. We don’t date we orbit each other, waiting for one person to admit they care more. Dating many people is now normal, almost expected. One for the deep convos, one for the vibes, another for attention. It sounds fun until your emotions are split in four directions and no one texts you back.

Soul ties? Oh, they’re real. You can laugh about it, deny it, act like that one night didn’t mean anything but it does. You move on, but somehow their laugh, their scent, or the way they said your name lingers. It messes you up when you’re trying to “heal” but still stalking their highlights at 2am.

Let’s not even talk about the wild things girls do for love like booking surprise flights, sending M-Pesa, becoming unpaid therapists, all in the name of “I know he loves me deep down.” Sis, he doesn’t. But we’ll justify it because love, even confusing love, feels better than none.

Then there’s the pain. You think you’re just chilling, catching vibes, and suddenly you’re crying over someone you were never officially dating. Heartbreak without closure hurts in a way that messes with your self-worth. But you pretend you’re unbothered on your Insta stories while your Spotify playlist tells another story.

Still, somewhere in this chaos, we crave real love. The kind that’s safe, honest, and intentional. We want peace. We want someone to choose us loudly in a world full of half-efforts and mixed signals.

So here I am, learning that love isn’t about games or chasing people who can’t choose me. It’s about choosing myself first, healing the mess, and waiting for someone who doesn’t flinch at the word “forever.” Until then, I’ll keep loving loud, living soft, and leaving when I’m no longer valued.

Because Gen Z might play, but we also feel deeply. And that’s something no situationship can ever take away.

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I don’t know.

But I do know this, when a comrade fail to pass their exams it’s not because they’re less smarter than a rock. No far from it. But when the good old smile-facially challenged Professor told comrades to report back to school and finish their degrees- so they can do more to this corona fight than post social media challenges on Facebook and Instagram- we were elated.

So we troop back in, sons and daughters of this strange Earth, young, fresh, eager and more rejuvenated than ever. It was all so cool really. The howdy greetings of, “hey I haven’t seen you since the plaque” rent the campus air in a jubilation mood. Well, until shit happened, and if you’re following, by now you should know that exams are a lot of shit. How can somebody task you to condense an over a decade-length knowledge to just a few pieces of paper in an hour span? Ruto’s wheelbarrows make more sense!

Just like good and evil. Right and wrong. Heroes and villains, Comrades are nice. Exams, not so much.

Following my personal observations, hereunder are five main reasons why Comrades fail their exams. Note that this observations does not necessarily translate into my own experiences. If they did I would have told you so.

Here we go;

1. I WILL STUDY AT NIGHT MANTRA
   If you never learnt anything in your life then learn this; you can not reduce a full semester course work into a single night of study. You cannot. It never worked for Einstein and Zuckerberg it will not work for a Neanderthal like you. A son of Earth called Larry said the same thing for a paper we were to have the following morning. Now he is invoking the blessings of his ancestors to help him win a sportpesa jackpot so he can bribe the lecture to at least give him a D. It’s that bad.

2. TEMPTATIONS
During exam periods, your evil ancestors who died before inheriting widows bring all sorts of things to tempt you away from studying. It’s during this time that the sportpesa bounces back to life and you know you have to draw and analyze odds because what are people looking for in this life anyway? That’s right, money! So when you get to the exam room, you see the question paper and nothing else but odds.
Oh, and I’m not even going to talk about the chief of all temptations for male Comrades; the optically nutritious sisters of Jezebel you meet on your way to exam room. They flash you those smiles, perhaps a hug too, you turn around and she’s carrying a huge load of BBI on her back. And just like that, content evaporates from your brain.

3. THE KNOW IT ALL COMRADES IN THE EXAM ROOM
These guys are a pain in the ass! You walk into the exam room confident with the knowledge that you’ve got content after several hours of strenuous studying. And then you meet these guys talking about things they swear on their father’s beard are going to come in exams. Things that you’ve never even heard of. Mara oh, ” Isaac Newton’s presentation at the royal society.” And just like that, your confidence is gone along with the content.

4. LECTURERS LATE FOR EXAMS
If you’re a lecturer and you’re reading this, with due respect sir (I don’t do the sir/madam thing) if an exam is stipulated to start at 3 pm be there at 3pm not 3 hours later! Content doesn’t stay in Comrades brain forever because that’s not their natural habitat.
You get to the exam room on time and you can’t wait to paste all these content bubbling in your head on the answer booklet. But then the lecturer comes 3 hours late, complaining of traffic or car problems while curiously dangling a piece of toothpick on his mouth and wreaking of meat, animal’s meat. By then, the content is nolonger bubbling in your brain because it’s nolonger there.

5. Well there must not be a number five every time, wouldn’t you agree?

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This is the longest holiday we will ever have. And to be honest, east or west, school is the best. We miss our friends, lecturers, classrooms, varsity premises and our campus lovers. We miss books too, don’t get me wrong.

It’s in every comrade’s prayer for schools to reopen quite soon. It’s also in our prayer that the pandemic curve flattens so that we may be safe. We once in history longed for such an holiday; long and long, but not any more. We have had enough of it.

There are many reasons why comrades want to be back in campus.

The plans
The pandemic has halted every plan of 2020. There are those who had plans to graduate and start the tarmac phase. There are those who were sure of a job after the graduation. Those who planned to put in all their efforts in their studies. This is that unavoidable circumstance. Our study patterns have been shifted. There are those who are lucky enough to continue with online classes and those who haven’t figured that out yet. Such is life.

All the plans that we might have sketched will now have to be revisited and revamped. We will need new plans for 2021, because clearly 2020 doesn’t count.

Free hugs
Since time immemorial, greetings have played a major role in our human interaction. It has always helped to foster peace, relations and even easen grudges. On campus, hugs are these greetings. They play all the above roles and even more that I will mention in my next feature of Comrades Opinion. These young earthlings might look okay at home, but deep down they really miss the free hugs. In aproximation, a comrade could receive close to 200 hugs in a day. Look at them, they don’t even receive a handshake, thanks to corona.

Finances
Comrades are broke. This is the best time to start up some businesses or chase some hustles, but in reality, the pandemic has overshadowed all these opportunities. It is hard to start a business now, furthermore they don’t have that capital. People are losing their jobs since companies aren’t making much profit like they used to before Rona, it’s unpredictably hard to get a job.

While on campus it was easier to do your maths on how you’d get some chums. I won’t mention HELB loans and the pocket money from folks.

Campus relationships
The word entanglement trended afew months ago. It came to my realization that campus relationships were just entanglements that hid themselves under the title of relationships.

In as much as the relationships hardly last, they help keep a comrade sane throughout the semester. They are life lessons in disguise. We miss that. It is hard to fall in love while at home. It is a struggle. Unlike at home, getting a partner in campus only requires you to have one of these four elements: be astudent leader, have money and drip (fashion sense), be a wordsmith, be popular. Miss me with that heart thing!

Events and Night life
It’s every comrades dream to turn up. We miss having great times with our friends. It is hard to turn up and go back to your folk’s house tipsy. That is disrespect – don’t do that. And that is why we miss campo. We miss turning up and going back to our four-students-cost-shared hostels or bedsitters.

Hang in there, fellow comrades. Nothing is permanent. This pandemic will come to an end. Just observe the safety measures and stay safe. Put on that mask, sanitize, observe physical and social distancing and all will be well before you know it. Hopefully, we shall embark to the good life. We shall board again on the normal life that we were used to. We shall overcome!

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The fresher who had found a what-seemed-like true love in a fourth year is now burried in the confusion of blueticks and blocked calls. The fourth year is presumably in Kakamega with his village girlfriend – exploring a rendezvous in the hide of his isimba (a village crib built for a guy once he becomes old enough to have his privacy.) Such is life though. We all get played at some point in life – take heart sis.

Campus relationships are just as strong as the distance after school. It’s sad though, that some get into relationships as if they are on an attachment/internship – after the semester, they go back to their home lovers with stolen emotional intelligence abilities, bedroom skills and 4 months experience.

I pity the newbies. I really do. We all felt like we found true love at some point in varsity. For men it’s even worse. You meet this lady who has a cute behind, and a fat face – the reverse could work better; a fat behind and a cute face. She knows how to hug you, just as much as she knows how to make your wallet dry. She is years a head of you, and older than you. A 3rd year maybe – but she insists that age is just a number and that you are mature the ways she likes. She camouflages in love and sucks you dry – as if the poverty fraternity had sent her. You don’t mind though, because you feel she is the one. Untill the semester folds and she goes back to her nduthi guy back in Kiambu. Again, such is life. We all get played at some point in life – take it easy broman.

Rona (the pandemic) is here. It’s prospected that the whole of this year schools might remain closed. That is a knock under the nose for the Campus Relationship Association. It won’t be a walk in the park. Talk of insecurities. These are partners that are used to seeing each other daily, they eat together, sleep together, hug, talk, fight, play, mention one -do everything as if the nuptials were signed already and cows delivered to the respective home.

They will either have to be patient whilst they fall in love with the people in their vicinity or just fall in love with people in their vicinity whilst they massage their patience – let’s do away with patience, we all know that is spongebob right there, lighting a fire in his pineapple house under the ocean.

However, there are campus lovers who stick to the loyalty even outside varsity premises. They embrace communication and glue trust to their partners. They call each other to ensure all is well, and at times text to just keep the vibe active. Some even end up getting married after campus.

Distance shouldn’t affect the relationship, whatsoever. With the advancement we have in this century, it’s even much easier to keep the fire yellow and red; video call them, text them whenever, send them those suggestive pics, trust them, make them feel wanted every second of the time. As long as their hearts are knotted, then distance is just a word. This pandemic will end, and you’ll embark on the normalcy that you are used to. Hang in there!

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Your good grades landed you to a medical school, your dream course. Focus was still your middle name, and stood tall in your heart like the middle finger amongst it’s fellow fingers.

This only lasted a semester. Short like the normal life we had in 2020.

Poor boy. All your hunger for books, strength in focus and vision for your future started drowning in drugs, casual coitus, bad company and everything bad. You literally became a bad boy.

Medical student doing drugs. Medical student bissecting people’s daughters like his life depends on it. Medical student grooving with bad company as if unemployment isn’t really a hurdle in our country. Pun intended.

You skive all your classes to meet up with your gang for a puff and pass. Your lungs are full of smoke. The determination fire that was in your heart is perhaps suffocated by the frequent smoke in your system. Your lectures don’t matter, you think. You are convinced that you will wake up a billionare like the drop out Mark Zuckerberg, or the drop out Jay-Z.

You even change your lifestyle. Your mom brought you up to be a presentable man. She invariably filled your wardrobe with official wears, presentable attires. Here you are, look at you, boy. Your trousers hardly know if you have a waist. They sag to expose your black keister. Your shirt, that resembles a scouts attire is filled with badges of ‘ganja’ symbols. You now want to breed dreadlocks on your once bright head. Your fingers that once wrote clean grades are now heavy owing it to the numerous rings (petco/ mangoto). Swag? Your walking style – one hand in the pocket, the other swaying around, legs pushing you to bounce – body leaning on one side. Odi wa Migori you are.

Life is easy. HELB loans comes to your financial rescue. You are able to survive through campus life. You’re a businessman on the side too; aren’t you a plug? You sell dope to the dope boys. You are young and rich. Illegally affluent.

You call mom once in a while, not to ask for pocket money, but to lie how med school is taking you well. She counters with a torrent of joy on how you make them proud. On how you will be the saviour of their family. On how you are the hand that will pull them from abyss of poverty. On how you are their pillar of hope. On how she prays for you day and night – she asserts, more than often, that she is glad that God has answered her prayers.

Sometimes, after such calls, you drown in guilt and regrets. You wish you could have followed her truck-full of advice. You wish you could have reversed time and changed shit. Your life is a mess. Your life is a maze.

All the fun, bliss and fuss of campus have snatched you your focus, your dignity, your character. And your future too. You have changed. Depression is knocking at your door, quite harshly. Poverty promises to linger in your family and so is shame mixed with embarrassment.

Your mom, single mother surviving on a fish hustle, is happy her son will be the future Ben Carson.

If only she knew.

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As days went by, we came to realize that the Vice Chancellor knew what he was talking about after all. It is customary for campus students to form a group when joining for the first time. To familiarize themselves with the environment together.

It was interesting to me that the person who had been handpicked by the board of directors to be the chancellor could also be funny. I mean, you just don’t introduce love to an eighteen-year-old girl who is on the verge of knowing herself and what she wanted in life. So I thought.

Everyone takes a different direction after few months hence causing the split of the group. The word coupling becomes famous around campus. It takes others two weeks to know they want to be in a relationship and for others, it might take them more than two weeks to decide to be together. I mean, no one is judging. We all have different ambitions and priorities in Campus and its allowed.

It reaches a point where people cohabit and decide to be together for a very long time. You know that annoying couple that cannot be separated? They go to every meal together, after class, you find them studying together and if you think that is annoying. Try to be friends with one. You will have to be a “third wheel” in every single place you go with them because they just can’t be separated. It is shocking that such a couple can split up but that’s what happens to some of them. Others stay together and get married. in fact, it does not come as a surprise because that was expected.

In short, Campus relationshiships is just like any other task in campus. They are people who are good at it, while, there are people who are winging it. It is true that Campus relationship can lead to a long term relationship and even marriage but it is also true to say that some of the relationship in campus are meant to last as long as they are in the campus.

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It’s nothing new to the ears. Universities have morphed from being centers of growth and knowledge into a big open brothel of perverted souls, fornicators and adulterers. The free hugs shared after every lecture is worth enough to allow the pants to meet the floor. The weird looks that students knot with lectures are enough to earn them good grades – and that means, they’d switch from attending lectures to attending coitus appointments.

Welcome to reality.

A large number of ladies in campuses fall into these traps. It all starts in classes, before it ends in bed, sometimes in VCT or the grave. They are hardly able to escape the claws of the hungry hyena. One, because hyena has experience in that jungle and two, because hyena has power to make your certificates look miserable.

The hyenas are invariably married and have kids. They have kids quite the same age as their preys. But that doesn’t bother them at all. They wear dark shades to reality and put their sexual desires in the forefront.

However, sometimes their actions are triggered by their preys. There are students who will seduce lecturers. They will openly voice out their ‘grievances’ in the crowd of the class, and even accompany their words with suggestive fidgets. As if that’s not enough, they text the hyenas in the hide of asking for notes of a certain unit, or clarification on forged intentions. And since the hyenas have experience, it doesn’t take them long before they flip the tables and the hunter becomes the hunted.

Whenever such topics are discussed or addressed, the male character is always the lecturer and the female the student. On the flip of the coin, the situation is the same to male students. The female hyenas are no exception to these trade. Male students are neither absent in this reverse pursuit for grades and financial greed.

Sexual lecturer-student relationships are a nightmare. It might look blissful to slay around with the financial status bestowed by a lecturer, or the good grades earned through moaning, but not until you contract STI or AIDS, maybe pregnancy. It could be fun and sweet to bed a younger soul, not untill your own daughter or son go through the same. They say Karma is a bitch?

Good grades can still be attained without the shortcuts. Normalize being content with what you have. You come from a struggling background? That lecturer should not be your financial pillar, the price is expensive- study and get yours! Normalize being content with what you have. You, yes you professor/Mr./Mrs. respect your marriage, respect your students, respect your career!

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What is life without some characters in campus? There are all ilks of characters in campus, like literally all. This is that peculiar stage where you decide whether to focus on your life or dismantling the walls of your dreams. Here are the top five common characters that you will never miss in any campus:

1. THE NIGHT LIFE WIZARDS
These are those who yearn for friday to knock at their door. They are the optimists who see the weekend being so close to monday, and monday being a million miles away from the weekend. Any friday in any campus is a ‘dundaing’ day. Whether it’s raining spikes , or sun-shining fire, the club must recognise these crew. They club on fridays, throw an overnight bash that flips from Saturday to sunday then miss the monday morning classes. What a life!

2. THE SMART DRUGGIES
Unlike the night life wizards, these ones are never patient for the weekend. They will get a hide out in the school compound then partake their business. They are the notorious class skivers. They will skive classes the whole semester but still scoop good grades; this weed must be having some extra intellect spices in it!

3.THE COOL KIDS
These ones came to flex their wealth. They won’t disturb your peace directly, but believe me you, you will get tired of the braggadocio in them. They will cruise to school in their folks autos and make sure you have noticed them stepping down in their newest pair of balenciaga, offwhite denim matched with an equivalent offwhite sweatpant. Wait, of course you can’t ignore the fake halfly-brown-dyed dreadlocks on their head!

4.THE GIRLFRIEND SNATCHERS
This is just a polite way of refering to “fuckboys.” These is a category that came to school to shag, when the rest of us came to only hug. Pray to God you don’t get this ilk as your roommate, ’cause the number of exiles that you will get will even exceed the number of classes attended in a semester.

5. THE STUDENTS
This is the ilk that must have taken heed of the advice from their folks. The focused gang. They will attend all the lectures, visit the library and even vie for school government seats. They will accept exiles, refuse night lifes and friendzone (and sometimes sibling-zone) all their female/male friends. They inspire us. The role models. We all aspire to be like them, but the way satan is winking at us…

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On campus, she affiliates with a fellowship and she’s all innocent, young, bold, daring and intelligent. The reality that she’s on campus doesn’t change the fact that she’s a teenager. The physical, emotional and psychological changes that teenagers experience will not elude her because she’s now a campus babe. Her hormones trigger a lot of feelings and she’s probably having a crush on a cool looking bro in 500 level.

Bro Dotun is the Secretary of her fellowship, and as a young girl, she can’t fathom how just one human being will be a whole bunch of awesomeness. His charisma, smiles, intelligence and preaching endear him to her more and more.

She joins the workforce in her campus fellowship and Bro Dotun sees her more often. Actually, he noticed her during the freshers’ welcome service and just liked her.

Gradually, they got talking and she begins to see him as a big bro. Bro Dotun graduated from big brother to campus daddy, she then proudly addresses herself as his daughter. She goes for spiritual, academic, emotional, financial and every other thing counselling and Bro D has always been there.

They keep tabs on each other so closely and emotions begin to tug at Bro D’s heart. He knows that she loves him; in fact, there is nothing she can’t do for him because he means everything to her on campus. She’s never stingy with her display of affection as she goes all out to prove to him she loves him.Bro D starts having nonsense feelings and instead of curbing it, nurtures it. He’s more matured and knows that being a teenager, she’s undergoing a lot of changes. Often times, teenagers don’t even know those hormones trigger some oestrogen and progesterone.

Bro D, I thought you should know better. Instead of you to encourage her to have standards and reject unnecessary and unwarranted actions, you feed your lust by embracing all her foolishness. You claim she led you on but you chose to follow her leading. She loves and respects you so much that she can’t even confidently confront you when you’re wrong. You’ve formed a big canopy over her head; she reports her daily activities to you moment by moment.

You graduated into late night counselling and you start by putting her on your laps. She felt like a baby and loved you more. She dashed you an innocent hug that night. From that night, you never remained the same. That hug sparked a fire in every of your vein.

The next meeting day, she jumped on your laps freely and you gave her a kiss on her cheeks. She had some struggles in her heart when you did that but she respected you so much that she couldn’t say No.

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Subsequently, you fondled her and taught her how to fondle you. You keep on sending inspiring spiritual messages to her and she keeps on servicing you sexually. Bro Dotun, please fear God. Even if the poor girl is stupid, must you take advantage of her?

The Brother Dotuns who are reading this, repent and receive sense. Enough is enough. Stop using so-called spiritual ‘daddyship’ as a weapon to violate our girls.

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Fuckboys have multiplied. I would wish to call them Brayos and Kevohs but that’s cliché.

They will clad in grey sweatpants that advertise their ‘cassava,’ bounce in those heavy, gigantic Balenciaga shoes and sweeten their mouths with words that are sweeter than honey.

These boys will snatch your girlfriend and still smile at you to signature the brocode. Here is the catch though, they dress to impress and snatch to fuck.

Innocent girls have fallen victims to these ilks. They get lured into their world with their way of fashion, their way of speech, their lifestyle and when it finally dawns on them, the boys will have scooped the cherry and stepped on the trail.

It’s not new. Hyena has always been gluttonous. Fisi ni fisi tu, ata akue ameshiba.

Kevoh, who is doing it for prestige, will ‘bed-down’ copious damsels. He will eat after he has eaten. He will make sure he has slept with your ex-girlfriend, your current girlfriend, your side chick and even your future girlfriend. After, he will be praised for being the master of that art. Torrent of respect and myriad of applause will be rained on him.

It’s sad how guys get all that applause for such stupid acts and make girls look like they erased dignity in their dictionaries. Whilst the boys are being praised, the girls get entitled ‘hoes.’ how sad.

The world is changing. Let’s flip the coin. Girls also want orgasm. And they really want it too. They are also becoming mafisi. They will trap you into coitus then make you feel as if you are the one who used her. But in the realest sense, they used you, and of course, you will be a topic when they meet to plait Shiko.

In this era, you are either single or promiscous and if you are not, you become an outcast.

Most heartbroken individuals are the ones who morph into such demons. The anger and pain compells them to give in to every guy and sweep off every lass on their way.

Such acts has led Caro to abort countless times, Deno to be a young father, Grace to be a HIV transmitter and Stivo? He died. He was experimenting with viagra. R.I.P.

Embracing true love is something that we can all do. We can all be at peace when we stop being greedy and focus on one person, that one person that we treasure. True love exists.

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