This is what l mean. You ought to be an independent woman, shawty, be self reliant and do things on your own and know when to ask for help and when to step back, when to support and when not to. lndependence always looks so attractive on any female and would make a man feel way interested in you. Be finacially, mentally, emotionally and physically independent. l know whack ass females are about to be on my case because of this but the truth is the truth even if no one is telling you.

It is very wrong to expect a guy to take you to expensive hotels on expensive lunch dates when you have never taken yourself to any of this places – l mean its so unfair. You cannot expect a guy to dress you from expensive brands like coco, chanel, gucci, prada, valentino, dior; well, all your clothes are thrifted from gikomba. l am not saying cloths from gikomba are not good but please walk your talk.

Having some money of your own earns you some sense of respect from a man because with or without him you still have your shit together. Be mentally independent to a point where you do not need a man around for you to make your decisions and emotionally independent to a point where a man’s negative opinions about you no longer trigger your emotions and reaction.

Set your standards! When you set your bars too high you’ll attract just your type when you set them too low you’ll get them as requested. Know your worth. When you know what you are worth you wouldn’t dare settle for anything less than what you deserve. When you know your worth you will date a man and not a little boy who thinks having a huge following on social media is a flex and dressing like homeless person is swag.

Having some money of your own would also be of great help. lmagine having to buy your own stuff without you asking for money from someone else. That is such a huge flex isn’t it? I expected the low feedback because this is probably something you dont want to talk about ama nachoma sana niachie hapo? Ama nina shout sana?. Hunnay, l don’t sugar-coat shit.

Dress like a decent woman and you will attract a decent guy. You cannot be putting on short dresses and booty shorts 24/7 and expect to be taken to dinner dates. With that kind of dressing only the streets deserve you. Try putting on nice clothing and see if he wont take you out to very expensive places just like the lady you are. Please don’t throw that ‘my dress my choice ‘ bs at me – l will slap you, l swear.

Be kind enough to reciprocate the energy you are given. lf a guy does something good for you this time, doing the same next time wont hurt. If he pays the bills this time, pay them the next time. Class makes you so admirable so have it. Read more books so that you widen your thinking scope and you will see how many good things will come your way. It’s high time women start taking care of themselves because women were created to be bold. l hope you learn a thing or two from this and in return be an outstanding woman. Viva women!!

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Constantly running through time to find the most sacred spark in such a black world.The emptiness I feel is a hollowness, I can’t tell you whats worse. It’s like a dark void that no amount of money nor words can ever fill. I have been a plastic doll painted with a happy face because all that is just pretence. This emptiness creeps my soul out.

I have raw emotional scars that outset any real burn and you know what’s the worst part is? That if I told you, you would probably think l am after sympathy but maybe all l am craving for is a little compassion. In compassion lies your true self, the part of life that nature can never steal from you.

Maybe I just want you to listen or maybe I just need some one to be there for me too. Maybe I just want to be loved too. Do you understand the power of love? I know you know about it but do you fully understand it? The power of love brings hope and that’s what I needed to fill my emptiness. Another day of drowning. A cold wash that only I can feel.

I feel like as days go by l am hitting rock bottom and I am afraid that I am never going to find a reason to get up. It’s clear that l have never been a subject of interest to any of you that is why it took you all so long to realise that I was loosing it, to realise that my problems were like a net that kept promising me to drown me to briny depths that I was dying inside. On God! I was such a lively soul. Right now I have lost self-control, maybe the part of my brain exerting control is already tired.

The anger in me is like swallowing a fire seed and forgetting to drink water it only keeps getting hot. I have not much time left and my end is coming soon, I know it, I can feel it. You see the thing is my soul has been at the sea for too long that it has forgotten what it feels like to be on land. I have done so much I have felt so much and I don’t want to keep on hurting. My heart advises me to stop here.

I guess am not going to regret this by midnight because this is practically it. I am still wondering why it took you this long to realise how it really felt to be me. I wished I felt a little loved may be I would have found hope to keep trying. Auf’ Wiedersehen!

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“Hey baby, don‘t tell me you are not coming over for the weekend again”, read the text on the pop up notification. Don’t ask me what l was doing with someone else’s phone. It’s like Sautisol sang the insecure purposely for me. This lady here is so
insecure. I was broken and really shattered. I felt like l had been robbed off the tape to keep my calm together. “You mean he has been visiting someone else over the weekends? You
mean l am not good enough? Is it because this quarantine is slowly messing with my body shape? For how long has this been going on?” Endless thoughts crisscrossed my entangled mind. What if what we have was just an entanglement? Like the Jada~Alsina shit. I tried to swallow the anger when it was a fired seed because I knew he was almost done with his shower.

I quickly returned the phone at the exact position and brought one of the best smiles one could ever put on. I forgot to drink something cool so the fire seed grew in my belly and l could feel it come as hot as any dragon has ever flamed. “Hey boo, something came up and I really need to rush home”, l said as l rushed for the door. I couldn’t wait to reach home. The
kind of pain l was feeling crushed me and leaving me broken in and out. It felt like someone reaching inside me and pulling my guts with bare hands. It was like being ripped rather than
being cut so intensely that you don’t even know if the feeling will ever leave you.

l tried getting up from my bed but quickly realized how futile it was. I had to bite my lips to keep myself from crying out. A sharp pain lanced through my head as tears flashed out of my eyes. I felt like my whole body had been beaten and every movement caused some muscles to ache. I felt so betrayed. I was a sad soul. This sadness was my albatross. It lay like a dirty snow over every other emotion, greying my spirit and tainting all that could bringme joy.

Just like any other normal human being, l wanted to give him a piece of my mind so l wrote one of those lengthy texts. “Hey Craig, so this is how you payback for all the goodness
l have always showed you. All the times l have stuck with you. All the bad days, l still chose to be with you. How could you cheat on me with the stupid girl you call Mamushka? What
about all the promises we made to each other? Had all that been a joke? It’s okay, l hope you find greener pastures.

Immediately I pressed the send button and what came afterwards
still shocks me to date. “I thought you were mature, you now want to compete with my mom.

That’s some nerve you have young woman. What were you doing with my phone? What’s the point of dating with no trust? You know what? I am so done with you!” Just like that l had lost the love of my life. Hivyo tu imagine! What I’m saying is Iook through the whole situation.

lf l were a dynamic thinker, I would have seen the relationship between
concept rather than being tied to binary thinking. Stop overthinking it kills your happiness.

Never make choices that matter when you are angry. Perhaps, this way your life will turn for the better. I know we might not always make the right choices but if the balance of good to
bad shifts in our favour, everything will be awesome.

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l want to let these tears flow because in these salty trickles you will get just how bothered l am with everything. l am literally in tears right now. Soaking this piece of paper because when l cry, l understand myself best and say things straight from my heart.

Do you know that people have different intentions when they come into your lives? Do you know that 50 percent of these intentions are bad ones? First impressions are usually so deceiving because, people fake themselves to fit our wants.

I want to talk to you about something so crucial. I want us to talk about sex. Did l scare you? What is sex? I know most of you think it is just two people making love. Sex should be sacred and shouldn’t be with just anyone. l know whack ass* people are about to be on my case but, oh well, l will still go ahead.

Is there a criteria for choosing a sexual partner? Do you know that there are a lot of infected people whose aim is to pass the disease to other people? You are in campus you meet a lady today and the next minute she is already on your bed. Do you think this disease is written on people’s faces? What’s worse is that most of you campus guys would rather hit it before you wrap it.

Do you know that this heavily thick women might be infected too despite their beautiful physique? Do you know that this men who are willing to generously spend on you might be infected too? What I’m trying to say is that, we are living in a generation where sex is taken lightly. A generation that doesn’t care for the consequences of their actions.

When is the last time you visited a VCT center or even bought a self test kit to check your status? When is the last time you actually tried to have a relationship with your friend that was not sex oriented? Did you know that when you have an intimate relationship with someone you exchange some pieces of yourself?

My question is, how many multiple pieces of yourself are you going to give to others whose health status is not known to you? l actually feel so bad that so many youths might be infected without them knowing because they thought that sex was just a joke.

HIV is also not a death sentence but once you contract it, the least you could do is take drugs and stop spreading it to others. My mind is deadened by sadness. My sadness is like a hollowness, l can’t tell you what’s worse.l feel like most of us don’t even love ourselves because if we did, we wouldn’t want to play with something so sacred. We would want to let ourselves be deceieved by the impressions people give us.

I would decribe this sadness like the death of a thousand paper cuts. And for every time l remember how fucked up this generation is, another cut to this already damaged mind .Let us learn that self care is as good as getting orgasms. Wrap it before you tap it.

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l follow blindly everything you say because l am afraid of loosing you and leaving a life without you. l know its addiction, everyone tells me that but its too painful to let go. l want to tell you about the power of love. It brings hope but sometimes its just a stepping stone towards more pain and more drama.

l know you never really loved me but loved the way I loved you, but you see, l am the most patient person on earth. l wanted to patiently wait for you to turn into something better but in the process l lost me. I lost my worth and l lost my standards. lf in life we are defined by the choices we make then l am a monster. With all the pain you caused me l still chose to stay. l stayed because you’d make me feel terrible about myself, you’d make feel like the bad guy. You are a narcissist. l noticed this from your fragile ego, the indifference walls that you built and how you seeked status to hide your vulnerable self.

You made me feel bad to make yourself feel good. You like complete devotion from people. You’d pretend not to like compliments but you’d also die inside if not told. You withdrew your love right at the start. As soon as l was addicted to your touch. Every attempt to get away from you proved futile because you would always torment me that if l loved you l would teach myself to stick with you through thick and thin.

Honey, can’t you see you have taken more, accused more, had more ice storms but you will still blame me, you coward, you unspeakable coward. l am done loosing me in attempts to make you find yourself. l am done pleasing you because l want my energy matched. lnshort, l am done being a victim of your spell. l am done being the one to make you find you while am loosing me. l am done being your pupoet. l am done being a rehabilitation center mending broken soul when l have my troubles to myself. I am done being a lovesick fool. l am tired of wasting my time and making a fool out of myself.

l want to heal. l want to be good enough for someone. l want to be looked at too. l want to know what affection feels like. l want someone to match my energy. l want to love and be loved back in return. l want everyone to be on the lookout for narcissists and their traits. They will belittle you to make themselves feel good.They love constant admiration and would do anything to get it. They think they are the only important people and tend to associate themselves with the chosen few. They are not happy with other people’s success’s. They envy alot of people and instead think that this people are envious of them.They will be on the wrong and make you feel like the bad guy. Free yourselves from this kind of ties. Ties that make you loose your worth. Ties that don’t make you grow to a better person. Be Free ,its a free world

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l don’t know if he is ever going to see me the way l see him. l dont have a bigger bust, a smaller waist, a bigger butt, blonde hair and more self confidence. This thoughts are already giving me a headrush because l know for a fact l have nothing on the girls he hangs out with. My friends think I’m obssesed with him for liking all his pictures on Instagram, knowing what school he is in, who he hangs out with, his favorite suit. Okay l admit it, but am not obssesed, l just happen to know things about him.

l love his view from my bedroom window. I am usually up by six for him because that’s the time he gets ready for his morning run. l wish l could jump from my window and tell him how in love l am with him but l just can’t for reasons best known to my ego. Whenever he looks up at my window l quickly shut it because l don’t want to be caught staring to sights that please my eyes. May be l am too afraid to admit it. This guy has made me see other guys as two dimensional paper drawing.

I am not good at talking, whenever l try expressing myself, emotions whirl in my soul and my throat tightens. l only end up say ‘poa’ when he asks ‘umeshindaje’ on those God given days that l happen to speak to him. l am such a dushbag, l know right. Do not even remind me. l really wanted to shoot my shot even though society has a different way of seeing this. The thought of all girls hanging around him killed me because l wanted him for myself. I was done drowning in the oceans of love so yesterday l decided to make a move. l wasn’t just going to watch him slip from my hands that easily.

lt was around 4:20 when he passed by. “Hey Craig wait up ” and he was like “Razia pole sana imagine sikua nimekuona” ouch! you mean am not that attractive. Despite this, l still had the audacity to melt to his tone. Pin drop silence… how is that remotely possible with my heart somer-saulting and him standing dangerously close to me. His eyes locking me in a trance and with so much intensity. He looked at me seductively and l figured out he liked me too. Atleast that’s what l thought.

“Razia l really want to ask you something” and l was like “Craig there is something l want you to know”. Being the gentleman he was he let me go first and there l was telling him how in love l was with him. How l wanted an us, how l wanted a forever with him. l said all this with so much enthusiasm and l was sure something good was coming my way. We had five akward minutes of total silence then l was like “Your turn now”. “You know Razi what l wanted to ask you was your best friend’s number Aisha. l just didn’t know how to ask her because she looks way intimidating. l hope you won’t take offense but l just don’t see you the way you see me. You are like my little sister.”

Those words hit differently specifically because they came from him. Had my shot gone sour? He did me dirty by encouraging me to be bold. My eyes were filled with balancing tears as my heart processed this emotions faster than a kid flipping radio channels. I was hurt, l can’t deny. My feelings went from level to rocky. l was fighting a mixture of emotions. Should l cry, should l tell him to think about it. All these emotions were vying for dominance. I am still hurt so send me cute comments.I hit Craig with an ‘it’s okay’ and left without giving him Aisha’s number.

l just wanted to let you know if you cannot handle rejection, dont shoot your shot it will end in premium tears.

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He had not yet put a ring on my finger but l still got the chance to enjoy the girlfriend title at least that’s what l knew or thought i was. Days turned into weeks and eventually we were officially a thing. Marriage had never been my thing because l like the idea of being a free bird … if you know what l mean.

It was now time for me to move into his house and be the wife. l will be mean if l just don’t tell you how stinking rich this guy was. He was among the fat cats in that small town. He had a very luxurious home with high end finishes and amenities. Not to sound like a gold digger but, I felt like l had hit the jack pot. l swear this guy had checked all my right boxes and did l tell you how eloquent this guy was. l guess this was a cover up for his not so good looks because the guy sure had his way with words. He looked at me and smiled sardonically and said “karibu nyumbani”.

I really loved the place and couldn’t wait to give the house some aesthetic touch just for my personal satisfaction. Well, John showed me almost everything in the house just so l could feel at home. Well there was something that disturbed me and don’t call me stupid but l did not know how my loving john earned his living. The last time l checked he had an agency but l didn’t actually bother to know the details because l was sure he was just engaged in legit business.

Days passed and l could just melt on the fact that we were such a lovely couple until recently when l got a black eye. This was what happened, I was outside planting flowers when l noticed a house separate from the main house. I don’t know how in the world I had not taken my time to really study the place. You know I’m such a curious bird so I’m guessing you know what l did. Yes, I went to please my eyes. The room was locked but l tried my best and got it open. Ew! That smelt horrible but what l saw was way terrible. Wait, terrible is just an understatement l am still trying to find the right word.

The room was filled with undressed ladies on the verge of dying because of hunger and poor living conditions. I stood there as if paralyzed from the neck back up. Gibbering nonsense, unable to comprehend what had just happened, my mouth frozen wide open. Was this a brothel? I did not understand. When l finally came back to my senses, it was already too late because my man was back to pick a few for the night.

I’m guessing you already know what happened because I’m not trying to make you all emotional. It’s been five days already but l feel like its been a year GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE ALREADY. Dear sister, before you settle down with someone take your time to really know the person. Don’t forget to get me out of this place.

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Some folks wear smiles but this guy was the smile. Billy was like a swimwear model. Black, clean cut and the recepient of a humour bypass. But if you wanted efficiency he was your man. The day you said hi l immediately fell in love. l had already pictured a forever with us and was happy with how karma was going easy on me despite my shitty past.

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l had longed for this day, the day you would look at me the way a woman is to be looked at. The days l set my eyes on you I’d already lost my entire world. How can you hang on something so incomprehensible. After two days we were already a thing. Fast enough huh? Just the way l like it. ln your embrace the world stopped at its axis.

No time, no wind, no rain but just you and me. lt felt like home because l had found peace. When my world exploded from the inside you were the man l wanted next to me. l promised myself to do everything within my will to make you comfortable. l noticed you liked girls with blonde hair so l went and made mine blonde. l noticed you liked girls with a much lighter tone and l made mine extra lighter. l also noticed you liked your women thick and heavy and I’m l even your woman if l can’t check all your right boxes. l did the necessary too.

How quickly your love turned to hate as if you didn’t even fight dont understand. You let that negative emotion swallow you and pour acid on your soul. You said you loved me and l took you at your word. l asked myself endless questions wondering what it is that l did wrong. You told me l was your soul mate and l even thought that l had become a bedrock of your personality .

Right now am howling alone, on the verge of something to happen because l can smell danger from a distance. Things are creeping into my body, my mind is on fire and my thoughts are burning. You rarely come home. You act as if my love was owed to you and you give me only apathy. You talk to me as if l were a stranger. l miss the man l fell in love with. He would have kicked your ass out of this Godamn room for speaking to me like that.

All l am is sadness every other emotion pushed out of my being. I found your message, you want a break up. You want to leave like the G you think you are after taking out of my innocence and pureness. l know see, l fell victim of misplaced trust yet to you it was just lust. You got me falling for your eyes yet behind that you were full of lies. Your familiar hands now give me a stranger’s vibe.

Am a victim of giving love that will never be reciprocated. l am a hurt soul. Dear love don’t loose yourself trying to please the other. People have different intentions and sometimes some just want to have fun and want nothing serious.

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l still love you so much because l was used to having bad days with you than having good ones with someone else. My brain and heart wanted to tell you this. l would love you if you were kinder, supportive, more attentive to my feelings and more loving. The problem is that when it comes to our emotional bank you take far more than you give and that shit is so disturbing. l felt like you loved me only for my strengths and thats a very big torment. For in my struggle to be what you wanted, what you needed, what you loved, what you admired and what you would proudly brag about there was loneliness,emptiness and isolation that you never noticed. ln my head,l invented every reason to stay. l must admit and l think you’ll agree with me too that l got so creative over time but you kept giving me all reasons to leave. l kept ignoring all the faults you had because love surpasses everything. lt hurts me so much that l have to write about you in past tense when all l wanted was a forever after.

l ignored all the redflags like a lovesick fool or a drug addict dying from an overdose. All l wanted was you to give me something to hold on to. Something like false hopes or beautiful lies. I sometimes replay events in my head and wonder what it is that l did that changed you to something different because you are not the man l fell in love with.

l have always been a giver, warm and loving but right now l feel like you have drained me all my emotions and l doubt if there will be a next because l am done giving multiple pieces of myself and in return they switch it up on me. Yes l am a broken soul and l doubt if l am ever going to tell if people have genuine intentions with me. ln my heart there is a void. A dark void. A never ending dark void that consumes everything so you are left with nothing to feel. l am already soaking this paper with tears because l cannot believe my three year struggle is going to waste. Nothing is okay!

Let not those pictures l take on my gram smiling lie to you that l am okay. You want to know what depression looks like then check out my gram. l am just a plastic hollow doll with a painted happy face revealing no guilt, sadness and emptiness. You’ve left me so much pain and l concider myself decent at hiding it and masking it with normal human emotions. How do l even open up to someone new. How do l get rid of this tattoo on my arm. l sleep and feel like you are still around. How can l numb all my love feelings for you. How can l forget about you.

…to be continued

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l sit in my room staring for hours my face sunken and haunted, cold and empty and the more years went, the clearer the reality that you were no more dawned on me. “Do you know me? Well, l will tell you then. “l am he that conquers all the son of men, no pitch from my dart is free. l am talking about death. Death had called my king. I broke down as l watched drop on your knees as the last breath was pulling from your lungs. Like a silent yet faithful companion, l waited and waited for you to get up but instead you sped off into comforting the folds of darkness cherishing the sardonic smile l had bequeathed you as you told me it is okay while you stepped into a place of light. You were now no more and this was only the beginning of my demons. Probably, this pen is the only thing that gets the intensity of what l feel. l squeeze it too hard because my hand is sweaty and bleeding. l have twenty-six letters on my keyboard but l still don’t have the right words to express how l feel so get this l am a sad soul.

You know, sadness and l are best friends. Every day at 2am it creeps up on me. Sleeping beside me while my eyes are wide open. You see sadness is like hope but I’m hopeless and still not desperate for that kind of hope. l live in the darkness but it never overcrowds me but sadness has always been my ultimate nightmare. l don’t know when it will leave because when it does another leaf drops from the tree and history repeats itself. l am so afraid of having another session with history that I’d rather cling on to this sadness like a leech because am starting to find peace in it. I know am damaging my soul and heart. Oh please! I have had all that talk. Do they really know how it feels? Do they really know how am breaking inside? Do they know how it feels in my 2am, no, l thought so too. l have marks on my body because l cut myself while saying pain does not exist but in real sense it does. l didn’t have emotional scars because l am still bleeding and my heart is strong l just needed to find a new bond and l would be fine. This is what l always thought but it is easier thought than done. l have never felt so lost and alone that even the simplest tasks l was incapable of doing and this was when l learnt how damaged l was. For how long am l going to get caged in this kind of past? Even with all my feelings you are never going to come back and there is nothing l could do about that unless l wanted to join you of which l wasn’t ready at least not now. l had two options left to heal or heal. l want to heal because if love can fade then so can pain. l wanted to come out of this stronger. I have always found it impossible to forgive myself yet l wanted others to forgive themselves, make amends and heal. l could not preach water and drink wine so l forgave myself for letting me be held captive in the cages of death. l had to earn it till l was satisfied and this only happened because l chose to let go. You see somethings are just out of your control and those are the things that should least worry because Someone else is taking care of them. Forgiveness is letting go all negative vibes and remaining with what is left. lf nothing positive remains then the relationship was all negative even if invisibly so. To anyone going through this stop punishing yourself by being held captive to the cages of death. Choose healing because you have done the ordinary so let Him do the extra ordinary. If your guilt tears at your heart and rips you from the inside you are forgiven from whatever it is that dulls your shine. If no one has told you this then hear this you are too charming to fill your heart with so much hate and hurt. And if no one has told you this in a while then hear it from me l love you.

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