Numb

Julie Angela Muthoni — Mon, 06 Sep 2021 12:27:05 +0000

Numb. That’s all what I feel. It’s only been two weeks, yet there isn’t a day I don’t think about you. You looked good today and your scent reminded me of everything I loved about you. When you left me I cried A LOT.

The first day was the hardest. I remember crying in the shower with my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t make a sound. Then I played someone you loved by Lewis Capaldi and belted out the words like my life depended on it. But in a way it kinda did. I needed a moment of surreality because everything else seemed like too much of a nightmare.

I couldn’t imagine life without you. We had made so many plans together. Named all our children and even picked out color schemes for our future home. When you left, I questioned my entire existence. I even apologized to the people I hurt most. I promised myself I’d never hurt anyone ever again and that I’d wait…Wait till I found the one, if he even exists.

Today I hurt you again. You said you wanted me back but I said no. God knows how I want to run into your arms and act like nothing happened. But something did happen. You broke me. You chose her over me. Over us. And that’s something that just can’t be undone.

You walked away from everything we had built. In a way I’m grateful. I’m grateful you let me go cause I know I could never have. I’m grateful you broke me cause from the ashes of our love, I found a greater love. I found myself. I found hope. As they say when you reach rock bottom there’s only one other way you can go. And that’s up.

So thank you. Thank you for holding me up when I couldn’t do it. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for all the memories.

I know it hurts now but I also know that it won’t hurt forever. This too shall pass. I might be numb and depressed now but I’m the happiest depressed person you’ll ever meet and I wish you nothing but the best in life..

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IS THIS WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE?

Julie Angela Muthoni — Thu, 05 Dec 2019 12:48:34 +0000

As soon as I got to the door I knew something wasn’t right. There were these beautiful silver strap sandals that looked far too big to be mine. I mean, I’d most definitely know if they were mine. I shook it off thinking that maybe Martin had bought them for me. Maybe this was his way of apologizing for being so distant these past few days. Slowly, I turned the door knob and walked inside.

Shock. Confusion. Crushing pain. I couldn’t breathe. Before me was my so called fiancée. He was too distracted to have heard me walk in the room, our room!! On our bed!! He kept thrusting and each time he seemed to be sinking deeper into that other woman’s heat. She lay there breathless, maning out his name…Martin!

I finally breathed. He turned around and quickly got off of her. The girl he was “fucking” didn’t even have the decency to cover herself. She just lay there smirking at me. I couldn’t think. my whole world had come crumbling down in a matter of minutes. My brother’s death had broken me but this, this fucking shattered me! How could he?

I didn’t think twice. I couldn’t bare the pain any longer so I bolted for the door. Behind me, I could hear him screaming my name. Why? What had I done to deserve this? How could he? Why would he?

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. My heart felt like a blade had been dragged through it multiple times. Deep ugly scars running all over it. My lungs felt like a whole fucking truck was crushing against my ribs and I couldn’t breathe. I was wheezing! My brain wasn’t working yet somehow my legs kept hitting the gravel. I was stampeding outta there.

I hadn’t even realised I was barefoot until sharp pains shot through me. PAIN. That’s all I felt. Terrible excruciating pain.

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Julie Angela Muthoni, Author at

Numb

IS THIS WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE?