Most of us have fully bought into the narrative that men have become irresponsible. We have used this narrative to explain why a whole generation is growing up fatherless.

Single mothers are busking in the glory of bringing up children on their own, no one is keeping score but the women are winning.

Men are bad. Women are good.

Today, mothers are glorified. When young people talk about their parents, they are talking about mothers. Though fathers may be present, they are mostly ignored. This brings me to an important question; is there a chance that the discrediting of fathers is intentional? Is there a chance that mothers manipulate their children to discredit their fathers?

A wrong attitude towards fathers is driven by stereotypes, wrong beliefs accepted without question.

Let us look at a few wrong beliefs;

The one who walks away is often the guilty offending party

When children learn their father walked away from them, they equate the walking out with guilt. The parent who stays with the children is often seen as the innocent one but there are other explanations that are often ignored;

What if your father left because he was heartbroken?

What if your father left because he was avoiding an ugly custody battle that would prolong the suffering?

What if you father left because he never wanted you to have to choose which parent you will stay with?

What if you father left so that you would grow up in a safe environment free of violence?

What if your father knew your life would be better without him in it?

What if your father left because he knew the hatred he had for your mother would be transferred to you?

Unless we understand the WHY, we run the risk passing the wrong judgment and holding grudges against people who did what was best for us. Let us be practical for a moment; look for a friend that has recently broken up with their partner and ask them why?

Look for someone who resigned from a good company and ask them why?

People have a reason for doing things, but here is the most important thing, THEIR REASONS DON’T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE TO YOU!!!

A friend can break up with a girl because she’s not funny enough, it’s a silly reason to you but it’s their choice not yours.

When we ask our fathers WHY they left, it will do us good to remember their reason for leaving doesn’t have to make sense to us.

Being a mother and being a wife are two different things!

Has this ever crossed your mind? It is very much possible to be a perfect mother but a shitty wife. Children often think, “She’s such a good mum so definitely she must be a good wife.”

This is the standard children use when they are judging their father;

Why did he leave her? She’s such a loving lady!

What more could a man ask for? My mother is such a humble woman!

Well, as obvious as it may be, being a mum is very different from being a wife. You can be a good mum but a terrible wife and you can also be a good wife but a terrible mother!

Success as a mother is not success as a wife!!!

You only have the right to judge your mother in your capacity as a child but you have no right whatsoever to judge the kind of wife your mother is to your father, only your father can judge that!

Is there a chance your mother is a good mother but a terrible wife?

Expecting your father to stay with a terrible woman just because she is your mother is like someone expecting you not to break up with your terrible girlfriend just because she is her sister!!

Your mother is not an Angel

When a father walks away, the mother has to step up and be mother and father to the children. Most single mothers almost collapse under the weight of all the responsibility. Children grow up seeing their mother struggle and they love her more for all the sacrifices she makes.

But what if she put herself in that situation?

What if her being a single mother is a direct consequence of her poor choices?

What if she drove away your father who was willing to be a part of your life?

What if she made it impossible for your father to stay?

Think of someone carrying heavy loads but they keep on turning down help offered, is such a person to be admired or pitied?

I can’t deny there are irresponsible men out here but there are millions and millions of willing fathers out here who want to be fathers but mothers just make it impossible. The hardest thing a man can do is to turn his back on his own blood. For a man to up and leave, the woman must have made it impossible to stay.

Am I blaming women? Yes, women are the greatest manufacturers of irresponsible men.

Mothers today just manipulate their children to discrediting their fathers but children ought to be fair, if you blame your father for leaving, blame your mother for not keeping him.

If you blame your father for walking away, blame your mother for not giving him a reason to stay!

“…they spent a whole lifetime hating their father, only to realize it was their sweet mum that had cheated.”

The post Men Don’t Leave, Women Make It Impossible To Stay appeared first on .

The moment there’s a knock and you happen to receive the door. That awkwardness that crops when you find out it’s the flat agent distributing water bill quotations and so you are there wondering whether to hand it to your friend or place it on the table and sit as if nothing happened. Those moments when electricity tokens get depleted and you got no cash on you. You are not sure whether to call her up to tell her about it and so you sit in the dark waiting for her to get home.

This was me sometime last year, as much as I wanted to hang out with my friends at ‘home’ I just couldn’t. My introverted nature could be mistaken for extraversion for the many times I left the house just to physically catch up with my close friends. Bilhah was nearest at the time. I call her Billie to make her name seem fancier. She is a fan of Billie Eilish. We spent an enormous time with her talking and dancing silly to house music. The genre we both fancy. The crazy things you do with your closest friend. We would download different apps to find out how each one of them works. Thanks to Telkom for its awesome bundle offers. Sometimes we’d be so annoying as to request rides on the bolt app and then cancel the requests after we hang up the phone on the driver. Evil I know and I am so apologetic to the bolt drivers we wasted then.

There’s this dating app that we happened to download, Tantan. It is very familiar especially for those who look forward to finding their specific others in social media platforms, dating sites to be precise. Right before we decided to delete the app already guys had started saying hello. People must be very desperate out there, I thought to myself. Well, I also tend to understand that people have different motives while signing up on those dating apps. Not necessarily to look for a partner. Just like Billie and I, we were up to having fun and breaking the boredom monotony.

Writing this now reminds me of the song by Kenyan Avril and Marya, “tumekuja chokoza”. Perfect application it was then. Alias Ekay was the first to pop up in my inbox and so here we were with Billie deciding whether to replay to his “Hello” or not. To be completely honest he was good looking. He had this appealing dark blue shades with a sky blue shirt written a ‘.com’ on it. Yes, that how vivid I recall it. It’s almost funny how I have a good memory but then bad at names. Staying on the app was not our intention.

We decided that I reply with my contact instead and delete the app. I texted my Safaricom contact that I rarely used then. It was meant for my Gb WhatsApp anytime I needed to go incognito. You ever had those friends you think you’ll never experience them beyond WhatsApp conversations and a few hangouts? Well, Ekay turned out to be one. He had become a version of Jesse that I liked.

You remember Jesse from my previous write right? The conversations grew deeper by day. sometimes I would feel annoyed if he did not call to either check up on me or say goodnight. It was a trend that I had already gotten used to. You don’t just stop doing something you started with me and especially if I like it. It is what my childhood shaped me to become. I did not get much attention when I was growing up and so I tend to embrace every other that I get. It means a lot to me as well. I liked Ekay but I wasn’t ready to meet up with him yet. This happens to me a lot. I get so close with someone visually to the point I think meeting them physically will ruin everything. Also, my introversion plays part in this big time. I turned down his requests to want to see me several times.

He then was based at a hub in 44Githurai engineering department until recently when they were moved to their own office. He would suggest that I go to watch a movie every other time while saying hello. I just could, I am not a marvel fan. I am more into Disney. It happened that marvel movies were the ones being showcased at the time. Eventually, I decided to meet him. It was around 7-ish heading to 8 pm. He always worked late and was less busy during the evenings. I would have met him at around 5 pm but then you know us introverts. I still had to confirm my conclusion of whether was doing it or not. I put on a pair of blue shorts and a navy blue sweatshirt and a pair of sky blue rubber shoes.

See, I like the blue color but black is my dominant. I only happened to have blue outfits popping. He was so good at giving directions. He still is, or maybe I am the one who’s good at following them, the vice versa is also not true. In a pink shirt and beige colored khaki, he picked me up at Lee star supermarket and to the hub we went. Wait you do not want me to give details of how our salutations were like, do you? Anyways it was a simple one-sided hug followed by the usual conversation starters. He served me coffee as I sat there browsing. Oh, he gave me the password to the Wi-Fi at the hub. He was still not settled, had a few things he was still patching up before he’d call it a day. I enjoyed it there. You understand why, right?

He would approach me at instances just to make sure I was comfortable. We would have a few words exchanged then he’d get back to work. The hub was half-filled with people some surfing the internet, others playing games and the rest were part of the staff I guessed. With time people cleared and it was just me, Ekay, and a few guys who worked at the hub. We now had time to catch up freely. An hour of an awesome talk was good for the day. I felt I had made a new friend. He was a visual friend before that day. I was happy I finally met Ekay on a one on one basis. He was of a good company for the time he was although he thought otherwise. I know you’d also think that the date was boring but it wasn’t. I enjoyed every moment of the time whether he was busy or not. At least I did not have to talk the whole time PS I had instances to tell my inner self, “you can do this Emh”.

It is now a year and a half of great friendship after a couple of dates. Recently, I fell ill and guess who was there for me, Ekay. He paid all my hospital bills and catered for my medication. He accompanied me to all my appointments with the doctor at the Radiant group of hospitals. He made sure I ate the recommended food and on time. His care felt nice. I grew fond of him each day. It was both amazing and unbelievable at the same time.

Who in Nairobi and this era would do that without expecting an act of kindness? I celebrate Ekay as my hero. I was falling for Ekay. This is something that was there even before the illness. You see he is intelligent and I am sapiosexual, makes perfect sense. This he did not know. So many times I tried to fight but I couldn’t. Nature had taken its course. You know real feelings don’t just go away. Sometimes missing him felt stupid. I was probably not always in his mind. I would often get angry at myself for loving someone who saw me as his baby sister. I am not quite sure whether he saw me like this, all I know is that he loved me back probably not in the same way I loved him. My greatest fear is rejection. I wouldn’t risk saying anything, I’d rather keep my love for him as a secret. You ever get into those moods where you feel sad about nothing and just wanted to talk to someone and make them hug you but you feel annoying and just lay there with a heavy feeling in your chest? This was me recently.

From the Tantan app to WhatsApp conversations to the first date and the second and the third, I never thought it get to this point. I was disturbed. I did not know how to come through for myself. I was afraid to tell anyone about it. Not even my therapist. Well, am certain she will come across this article and schedule a session with me. I love me. I am a strong one. I could walk every day on the verge of sadness and not even have the slightest clue that I was not okay. Ekay noted nothing. He still showed me the same kind of care.

Everyday, I hoped that he would notice something was not going well with me but then I gave him no chance to. My fears were stronger than I was. Every time his name came up on my phone I’d be reluctant to answer the call, not because he was a bother. I just did not know how to pretend that I was fine. Lying did not make me a better person but did I have a choice? Well, yes but then I was not set on making that decision. I am at the moment in a catch-22 situation whether I should tell him or not. Perhaps I just shouldn’t. What difference will it make anyway.

Ekay is already with someone else. You see, one time during our hangouts I did overhear a conversation between him and a lady on his phone. The conversation was so detailed about his house in particular. It is ill-mannered to eavesdrop. His voice call volume was up and clear enough for me to hear the person on the other side. He would have reduced it if we were in the same room but I doubt he realized it was loud enough to reach me in the other room. The discussion did not bother me as much as their last words towards the end of the call. “I love you”, Ekay said, and back it was reciprocated. ‘Chest pains’ “tu” but “si ni life”. I honestly did not know how to react to that. Happens with surprises and this was a major one.

I just lay still to whatever surface was next to me. I am not even sure I was thinking. I am just trying to imagine how Billie would go about this. That crazy sweet thing is more than melodramatic. She is always waiting to dial that reinforcement code on her contact list. The last thing I remember that day is Ekay’s voice as he shouted from the other room I guess, “FOOD IS READY”. I am not sure whether he was even close to me or not, his tone was just loud from my end. He might have not shouted, it’s just the way I perceived it then.

Now I know my place. This makes me look back and smile. My feelings won’t get hurt anymore. Suppose I had told him what I felt, then I’d put him in a difficult situation. A situation that I wouldn’t like to see happen and if it did I’d be grateful to Tinkerbell. I felt it when she said,” if you have to choose between me and her, chose her. Because if you really loved me, there wouldn’t be any other choice.”

The post THE LOVE I NEVER HAD (version 1) appeared first on .