We have all had our own difficult experiences from our childhood to where we are now. For some, it might have broken them completely while for others it might have changed their lives In a positive way. Let’s take for example the way you felt when you got rejected on a couple of your job interviews, the way you felt when your suffered loss from your business more than once, the way your heart was shattered down after your dream girl or boy told you that you’re not ‘their type’, the way you kept on failing that test and had to retake, the way you’ve been toiling to do things right at your work place in order to impress your boss so that he or she may consider you first incase of a promotion among so many other such experiences.

In all of those difficult situations, it is easy to feel defeated hence the urge of giving up. We get tricked into giving in instead of trying again because we are convinced that comfort is what we need. We simply allow our fears to rule our thoughts and that’s why we chicken out every time whenever there is another chance to try again. Have you ever thought how your life would have been if only you had tried again after failing the last time? Maybe you would have gotten it right and could have achieved that which you so yearned for.

Sometime mid last year while I was on my attachment in one of the media companies, I was assigned the task of going to Kibra for a live coverage after the demise of the area member of parliament who had succumbed to cancer. The head of news department had faith in me that I could do it but I did not have the same faith in myself so I gave him an excuse why I couldn’t do it and just like that I missed out on that opportunity. Until today, I haven’t been able to move past the thought of me turning down that opportunity. It was a big deal especially for an attache like me who did not have any previous experience on the same work.

Looking back, I must admit that I allowed my fear to control my mind. Both the fear of the known and the unknown. Or it could have been the fact that I was tired of so much work thus why I couldn’t take up the task.

Sometimes things will not go as we have planned. In fact, it may go on a completely different way and for that we are likely to go astray from our goals and plans. We should not allow ourselves to be knocked out by any form of barrier that may come our way. Too much pressure from ourselves and our surroundings of wanting to achieve that which we have set in mind may burn us of our energy, leaving us feeling empty from within which may force us into giving up.

It’s very easy to let go of our dreams whenever we feel like we cannot take it no more but it’s so much hard to start from the beginning up to where you’re now. So anytime you feel like wallowing in your comfort zone instead of putting in the work just remember that winners never quit and quitters never win and when going gets tough, the tough gets going so keep on keeping on like the winner that you’re.

The post When the Going Gets Tough appeared first on .

Personally, I have lost so much in my life ever since my childhood up to date in my adulthood and I am very certain that we all as human beings have suffered loss in different stages of our lives, and that is part of our existence that we should all learn to embrace so as to have some peace of mind.

With different loss, we have hoped and prayed to gain something similar to that which we lost or something more greater in value. When we lose our jobs, we ask God to grant us another better opportunity. Similar thing happens when we lose our partners or friends. Sometimes though, we do not ask or wish to gain something that will replace that which we would have lost but rather, we ask for the courage to accept and move on from our loss.

Sometime in 2018 I happened to have lost so much in my life, my sanity and peace of mind included and everything seemed to work against my favor. There was this one loss that particularly stood out for me and that was: loosing my friendship with my best friend.

My then best friend and I had come along way ever since my first year in high school. She was everything I wished to have in a friend and being around her felt like home. She inspired me in various ways and she was one person I used to look up to because her confidence and intelligence was top notch. So yes, I must admit that the day our friendship came to an end it did hurt me. Infact, it felt more or less like an heartbreak from my favorite prince charming. To say that I was not affected by it in any way would have been a very big fat lie because I was crumbled and shattered into pieces. I cried day and night and lost my appetite an indication that it meant so much to me!

Looking back at it, she was my first and last best friend thus the reason why I took it very personal. It was an intense friendship that I was not willing to share with any other person but too bad for me my best friend had another best friend! and that did not sit well for me. It felt like I was being betrayed
I called off the friendship without her knowing. I deleted our conversations with her number included. I also deleted some pictures of her that I had in my phone. I was determined to let go of everything that would remind me of her and was looking forward to moving on from all the memories that I shared with her. It was one tough decision that I ever made and somehow I felt very uneasy with myself because you know this is someone that meant so much to me and now I was trying to learn how to live without her presence in my life. It was tragic!

As time went by, I eventually found a way of living my life without a best friend. Things went back to normal and at no point in time did I feel the urge to have another best friend. I was at that point in my life of letting go and moving on.

Two days ago, on my birthday, I woke up to a very unexpected thing. Can you all guess what it was?! Well, I bet you can’t he he. Anyway, I woke up to so many happy birthday wishes but aside from that I received a Facebook notification which I always overlook but on that day I found myself opening Facebook just to check what it is that they are actually notifying me about. In the process of doing that, I came across a couple of friend requests and among the ones who had sent me a friend request on my birthday, my ex best friend was one of them!

I was honestly surprised because I did not expect to ever get to hear from her again and now here she is wanting to be my friend, again! I decided to go through her timeline and see what it is that she has been up to since when we last talked. She looked fine to me and pretty as always and that is a good thing. When I was done going through her timeline, I went straight ahead and deleted the friend request! It honestly felt relieving and a walk in the park.

I know that some of you upon reading this article will start asking “why on earth did she delete that friend request?!!” it’s simple; right now my peace of mind is of more importance to me than any form of friendship or relationship whatsoever. That should also be the case for anyone who is reading this story, do not give second chances or crave for something or situations that once broke you.

Not everything that we lose should be replaced, but rather, we should thrive to find ourselves instead of other people so as to fill out gaps for us. Sometimes we lose ourselves while trying to search for other people and that right there is the biggest mistake we can ever make because NOTHING and NO ONE is worth loosing ourselves over!

The post Lost and Found appeared first on .

It’s been four years since I told you that I needed a break from us. Since then you’ve been on my tail asking why I had to give up on us and my choral verse of “You deserve better”, doesn’t seem to have bore any fruits. It’s for that reason and many more that I’m writing hoping that you’ll finally get the closure that you deserve.

I know you thought or still think that I did not love you and I cannot blame you for thinking that. I mean it’s only human to feel unloved and disappointed when the person you loved wakes up one day and tells you that it’s over between you two and that they need a break. Exactly what I told you then. Infact, I’m not going to plead my case. I know I sounded mean and cold when I looked you in the eyes and made it clear that I have no love left to keep the relationship going. But the truth is, I was scared. Scared of hurting myself, hurting you, not being able to love you with the same intensity that you loved me with, afraid of being too attached and losing my sense of self-independence, scared of disappointing you.

Forever is what you wanted and I was not sure whether I wanted the same for myself. Still undecided. Yeah I know, I have always been certain of what I wanted in my life but not when it came to the love part of it. Precisely why I had to set you free. So that you may find another who’ll love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Truth be told, you were a great partner. An awesome lover and a real gentleman. More reason why I was scared of continuing to be in a relationship with you. You were too good in all aspects of your being. Too much for me. You committed yourself to loving me with all my scars and flaws and not once did you ask me to change anything in the name of love. You were always there for me even when I did not need you to be. I still ask myself how is it that you found it easy to stick by my side even when I told you not to.

I remember when you surprised me on my birthday and wanted to take me out but I turned you down because I had to go out with my friends! Even after that, you still loved me the same. Not to forget the countless gifts that you spoilt me with while getting none from my side. What a shame!

The heart wants what it want, explains why you still think or even believe that I’m the one for you. Sounds absurd though, considering how much pain I have put you through. It’s about time that you reconsider your feelings for me and put yourself and your happiness first. You need to learn to love again and get over the illusion of us ever being a thing for I ain’t in a position to reciprocate the feelings that you have for me.

You’ve always said that I’m selfish and I only think of myself. You were right about that. But at least I’m honest. I said it then and even now, you deserve so much BETTER. Better love, a better partner, better commitment and appreciation. And as unfortunate as it may sound, I’m not the BETTER HALF that you think I am. And I’m okay with that. I just hope that you’ll finally accept that we were never meant to be.

The post CONFESSION TO MY EX appeared first on .

I’m certain that we’ve all been told if not cursed by those phrases at one point in our lives and it did play a big role in either lowering or boosting our self-worth. Let’s take for instance that time when you had a burning idea that you felt was going to be of great impact in your organization, football team, accounts class, charity group or even in our very own homes!

I’m sure you can recall how those phrases made you feel whenever it was told to you. Some of us may still be the slaves to those phrases even though days, months, years and decades have passed by. I mean how else can you explain the low self esteem that we keep experiencing, the inadequate self love that we show ourselves not to mention the not nonexistent self confidence?

Being told that we are not good enough often times makes us lose sight of how important we really are to begin with. It crashes every little hope that’s been keeping us alive, and in fact it can lead to suicidal thoughts. Then again, the same phrase when told to us can drastically change our lives, that is if we choose not to let the opinions of those who think that we do not have what it takes become our reality.

It’s okay to be told that you’re not good enough or you don’t have what it takes. It is also okay to be told that you’re not of any importance or your presence in this world is of no much value and other such trashy comments. What is not okay is for you to let the opinions of other people get to you and consume you. It’s not okay to play the victim by belittling your capabilities all because other people cannot see it in you.

The best revenge for those who told you that “You’re not good enough” is to work into bettering yourself so much and
proving them wrong. Did they tell you that your self confidence is not enough? Smile at them and say “It’s okay.” then go spend all the time in the world in front of a mirror talking to yourself until when you’re certain that you have reached the peak of self confidence there is. They told you your dressing game is whack? How about you change your closet in the best way you know how and roll on them the next time you cross ways.

Some people will always find a way of making you feel worthless but what matters is what you think of yourself. If you allow the opinions of others to get into your head then you are likely to live a miserable life. Instead, learn to pay no attention to those who only want to make you feel bad about yourself. Believe in yourself so much that you don’t get bothered by others not believing in you. Anytime you feel like you’re not good enough just remember the simple fact that you were the sperm that won the race so yes you have so much more to offer.

The post KNOW THY WORTH appeared first on .

One thing has stood out for me in my observation, the fact that so many of us if not all of us are ALWAYS complaining about how the pandemic has taken so much from us. Our daily life normalcy, hustles, schools, friends, families, places of worship, partying, human relations and connections not to mention our freedom.

All I get to hear about this, these days is how people feel stuck at home with nothing to do, how sleeping and staying indoors is boring (I still don’t understand how anyone can find sleeping boring, mahn too much or not, this is sleep we are talking about) how life without partying sucks, how eating the same food is tiring, how not being “laid” is bad for the soul among other so many complains.

However much the pandemic has affected us, I want to remind everyone out there that there is always, always something to be grateful for. Let’s take a moment and remind ourselves how blessed we are despite the challenges that we are facing due to COVID-19. The simple fact of us being alive at this point in time when others have lost their lives due to Corona and other illnesses is something to be grateful for.

Nothing in life is guaranteed and that’s why when we wake up each day with good health we ought to focus on such small favors bestowed on us by the Almighty.

Be grateful that you have food in your plate everyday even if that means eating the same meal throughout the week. As it is, the pandemic has affected our economy and at the moment it’s hard to afford every luxury that we could afford before. Accept the fact that you can’t always have everything that you desire, so if it is Ugali (cooked maize flour) and eggs that you can afford then eat it graciously and do not be an ingrate at any given time because other people are sleeping hungry every day for not being able to afford a simple decent meal.

Being stuck at home and not being able to go out from time and again is not interesting at all. Even so, do we bring ourselves to think how not having a home at all feels like? The other day as I was watching news, I could feel the grievance of the people of Kariobangi and Ruai who were forced to vacate their homes and were left with no roofs over their heads. Small children were sleeping outside in the cold with no cozy blankets to provide them warmth let alone a bed to sleep on. At the same time I cannot imagine what the streets children are going through during this pandemic, it must be really tough for them.

It saddens my heart that all we do is complain of how things are not okay and we forget that we are so lucky to be alive and with the basic needs at our disposal. How about we look at this pandemic from the positive side now that the negative is very evident, let’s take advantage of the current situation and get to know ourselves better. Let’s work on our emotional intelligence by testing how we respond to ideas and situations. Take time and check on your personal progress since the year started. Make time for a new activity each day whether it includes meditation, working out, reading a book, an article or learning a new skill.

COVID-19 is not the first pandemic to hit the world and it will not be the last. However long it will stay one thing is for sure, it will come to pass. After all, nothing is permanent in this life right? So why worry so much? Relax, stay indoors, maintain social distance when outdoors, wash hands and sanitize from time to time and put into action all the guidelines provided so as to prevent the further spread of the virus. Remember to always stay positive and affirm positivity in your environment because by doing so, the mind will be able to perceive the good vibes, the heart will believe it thus making life easy during the pandemic. Any time that you feel like complaining about a thing or two, just look around you and count your blessings because others are in a more difficult situation than you’re.

The post BE GRATEFUL, YOU DON’T OWN ALL THE PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD appeared first on .

I throw my worn out body from the days errands on the bed as I reach for my phone, slowly I start browsing through different platforms and suddenly I find my way on Instagram, then my mind starts wondering whether I should search for his name or not, the good girl in my head tells me to let go of the idea but the bitch in me is hyping a totally different gospel “do it girl, search for his name, let’s peruse through those pictures and see if he’s as fine in snaps as he is in person” and before I knew it there I was searching for this crush of mine.

Searching for him was a walk in the park due to his unique name, lying on my bed I’m wowed by his physical attributes, he’s tall, dark and handsome, just how I love my man served. I can’t stop thinking of what he smells like, what is his articulation is like, somehow I’m already impressed with how he dresses, seems like he’s got taste. I can’t help but think how spending time with him would feel like, I gaze into the air fantasizing his presence by my side, but the crazy bitch in my head wouldn’t let me enjoy this moment as a voice in my head yelled “snap out of it girl, you’re getting way ahead of yourself” but I don’t pay attention instead I allow my thoughts to carry me away.

Amid my fantasy moment, I go ahead and start liking his pictures, all of them, my fingers do it so flawlessly as I feel so alive like these are the moments to live for, going through your crush’s page, double tapping on his every picture using the kiss emoji until it hits you that you’re not even friends to begin with. “Holy crap! What have I done?” my body starts getting restless as sweat trickles from my every nerve. I couldn’t believe that I had messed everything up, how careless I had been. Everything was going just fine with me observing my crush from a far but the idea of trying to get closer to him didn’t turn out to be a good one and just like that could the magic have ended even before it could have begin…………??!

The post MIRROR MIRAGE CRUSH appeared first on .

Have you ever found yourself dealing with toxic relationships, Friendships or even situationship? The latter being worse because you likely do not even know where you stand in the other person’s life, not that it is my business to address really for we all choose that which we think is good for us at all times. Anyway, let’s go back to how so many of us are willing to cope up with toxicity in our day to day lives with the people that we love and care about all in the name of what exactly?! Brings us back to human relations. I’m certain that we all have found ourselves dealing with toxic partners, friends, family members or even those “friends with benefits”. Some of us may still be dealing with it because either we are too scared to end up alone or we have chosen to ignore the negativity at the expense of our peace of mind.

Before you start defending your relations or convincing yourself how you are not surrounded by negativity, let me break it down for you, first things first, toxicity comes in many forms. Do you remember how your partner would always find faults in you despite you trying to make things work out, how he or she would not appreciate you for who you are and would always suggest or for the ones who have the nerves will command that you change a thing or two for them to find it pleasing, how your so called “friends would find ways to criticize, condemn and complain about your moves and achievements, how they would talk behind your back and laugh in your face, how they would make you feel bad for taking care of yourself first before taking care of them, how your family members would make you feel like an outsider each time you did not do as they told you too or how when you always want them to come to your rescue you have to understand that they are not in a position to do that not to mention when they need your aid you’re supposed to avail yourself failure to do so brands you as ‘fake’. How about those partners of one night stand where you are expected to avail yourself to quench the thirst of your partner even though you may not be in the mood for it all the time.

Loving someone so much or caring for them can blind us into not seeing how much they drain us of our good energy. But it’s better to be alone than to be with someone or with people who only bring the worst in you.

So how about we start normalizing cutting people off when we realize that they are of no good to our being whether your soulmate, best friend or closest relative, let’s normalize standing up for ourselves and saying NO or YES without any fear or explanation, let’s normalize speaking our minds whenever we feel like something or someone is disturbing our peace, let’s normalize mental health by being cautious on how other people treat us, let’s normalize being selfish with ourselves by not giving every Tom, Dick and Harry or every Sarah, Mary and Jane, whatever that works for you, access to our energy, let’s normalize choosing peace of mind over toxic partners, friends and family. Let’s normalize Serenity!

The post NORMALIZING SERENITY appeared first on .

Relationships and friendships nowadays don’t last long because we are not willing to reciprocate favors done unto us. Can you remember the last time that you checked up on your friend either through calls or texts, the last time you bought your girlfriend or boyfriend a gift after they bought you one, the last time you took your woman out on a dinner treat just to show her that you appreciate her efforts of attending to house chores or your toxic masculinity has convinced you that it’s the women’s job to attend to your chores, huh?!

As human beings, we like to be shown that our efforts are appreciated as well as we love to be reassured by the people we care about that they too have got our backs like we have theirs. In that case we should always thrive to meet our partners, friends or family’s efforts at the middle instead of letting them do all the work. So the next time your boyfriend takes you out on a dinner date, volunteer to pay for the drinks as he pays for the meal.(ladies don’t even think of getting on my case on this one because it’s about time that we normalize helping our partners out especially when the both of you are benefiting) do the dishes after your girlfriend has prepared the food. By doing so, you’ll give her more reasons to keep on preparing the food even when she may not feel like it.

It’s about time that as men and women we understood that it’s not logic to let one person put in all the efforts as the other puts no effort at all. It would be better for everyone, as friends or otherwise when we take care of each other with an equal intensity. That way, one person will not feel drained or used but rather both parties will be able to appreciate each other more. I guess what I’m trying to say is, there is nothing wrong with wanting to help your partner in any way. Especially in our generation where everyone is so focused on themselves and the memes have made us believe that we are better off on our own because the truth is we are not.

How about you call or text your friend or partner first the next time they don’t check up, either because they don’t have the credit to do so or because they are the one’s who always reach out first. Buy your boyfriend a birthday present for the first time because it doesn’t hurt doing so, more so when he is the one who shows all the romantic gestures in your relationship. Invite that friend of yours out on an ice cream treat because they have always been there for you.

Do something nice for anyone that has contributed positively in your life, someone who makes you happy, someone who looks out for your best interest at all times, someone who takes good care of you, someone who treasures you. Take care of them like they care for you because 50/50 IS where it’s at. Always remember that.

The post 50/50 IS WHERE IT’S AT appeared first on .

Well, I know some people are going to differ with me on this but growing up without your mother by your side is more or less like an emotional disability, the trauma that comes with it is so deep like an abyss. As a girl child I know what it means to grow up without someone to call mother, that one person who’s love is always unconditional, so caring and concerned with her child’s every move.
Every time when I remember how growing up without my mum felt like I’d rather choose to be disadvantaged in any other way but not to live without a mother’s love and protection.

To those of you who may think that I’m exaggerating the whole thing, well, allow me to break it to you how growing up without a mother feels like or rather how it looked like.

Do you know that feeling of being woken up in the morning and how you are also tucked into bed at night with sweet stories being read to you better yet, how when you wake up in the morning and you’re sure that breakfast is ready due to the mouth-watering aroma of fried eggs or sweet potatoes that feels the air, how you don’t have to worry about your dirty laundry because you know mommy will have it sorted, and before you go to bed at night she’ll be right there making sure that you’ve taken your bath and fed. How during school meetings she will be seated at the front or how she will be there to defend you when you get into a fight with the neighbor’s kid even though you were the one who threw the first punch, not to mention how when she comes home from the market she will bring you your favorite snack or a new toy because that’s what mothers’ do for their children right?

Unfortunately for those of us who grew up without our mother’s by our side we cannot tell you how the luxury of all those things and activities felt like because we literally mothered ourselves and for us growing up without someone to call ‘mama’ was more like a punishment and the worst one for that case.

As if that is not enough, as a girl child growing up without a mother feels like salt is being added to an open wound. Do you know how sometimes you get all moody and the only person you wish to talk too is your mother because you are certain that she’ll understand what it is that you’re going through? Until when you just remember that you don’t have a mom to begin with. How about when you experience your first menstrual cycle and there is no one by your side to show you how to put on the sanitary towels or how to take care of your hygiene during that time. Also, do you remember that boy that you liked and you wanted to tell your mom all about him or that girl in your class whom you didn’t get along with and you just wanted to talk to your mother about so as get the advise whether to strangle her or not.

This may sound like some fantasy story from one of those fairytale movies for the one’s who did not grow up with a mother figure by their side. I do not need to mention that feeling when it’s ‘mother’s day’ and each of your friends is posting a picture of their mother and celebrating their presence with long captions whereas you do not have a picture of your mother let alone the juicy caption.

In other words growing up without your mom by your side is one of the worst experience that a child has to grow up and live with all their lives. If anything it should be added among the a thousand ways to die because one is likely to perceive themselves as walking dead. I would say that I’m sorry to my readers for making the whole scenario feel too much but I couldn’t find another better way to put what and how it really feels like growing up without a mother because at this point I’m certain that all of you can agree with me that it’s not a walk in the park neither is it a bed full of roses nurturing yourself.

With that, it’s my hope that for those of you who grew up with your mothers’ will learn to appreciate their presence in your lives while they are still around and also treating your friends, loved ones and those that you care about who grew up without their mothers with love and care because they need it much more than anything else in this world.

The post GROWING UP WITHOUT A MOTHER appeared first on .

If I was to ask you how your first time felt like, would you be in a position to remember the exact feeling? The answer could be yes or no. For those of us who are not so well equipped with the art and science of remembering things, it’s likely a maybe or maybe not type of response.

Whereas other people’s first time might have been mind-blowing terrific, amazing, insane, awesome and those other lovely expressions, mine was nothing but terrible. It happened abruptly and caught me totally unaware. I was scared even though I should have been happy. My body and mind was overwhelmed by confusion not knowing what to do. I was in a dilemma not sure if I should tell anyone about my situation or not. Everything had happened so fast that I could no longer decide what to do or how to react and in the end of it I decided to keep my mouth shut and keep it to myself even though I so needed help.

It was one of those bright days and as the Islamic calendar indicated, it was Eid day. Eid is a celebration that takes place after the Muslim community have completed their fast in the month of Ramadhan. It is also celebrated after the completion of Hajj (Holy Pilgrimage) by those who were able to visit the city of Mecca. In my town, Eid was treated as a very important day because that is how it was treated by our prophet. Everyone was in a good mood and the air was filled with ululation and jubilation which explained the logic behind the excitement.

For us the children, Eid day meant getting to put on new clothes, eating a lot of meat, getting some few coins here and there and finally going to the studio for one or two pics which we would only get to see after a month or so.

On that day, my cousin and I dressed to kill (if that is actually a thing). I had worn a two piece outfit, a brown skirt, sleeveless top and a jacket. The day seemed promising because my cousin and I were planning to visit a Shrine that was at the outcast of our town. Truth be told, I was more than excited because it was my very first time to visit the place.

At 2p.m we made our way to the Shrine after filling our stomachs with all types of meals because it was feasting day. My cousin was to meet up with her boyfriend then and I tagged along as the side wing. It was that primary love which you may refer to as first love that got me and my cousin walking almost more than three kilometers so that they can meet in a serene environment.

While at the Shrine, I started to feel a bit odd but I couldn’t figure out what was actually bothering me. I felt uncomfortable with a bit of stomach pain which was expected considering the amount of food that I ate earlier on. So I did not pay much attention to the pain I was feeling because it wasn’t that serious after all. Also, the decorations within the Shrine got my mind occupied as I was following through on the explanation given to us by one of the sister’s who was showing us around. At one point as I was admiring myself in those translucent mirrors, I noticed that I had a small wet spot at the back of my skirt. Something which made me feel embarrassed considering how visible it was. I went ahead and wrapped my jacket on my waist so as to hide the spot. Was I worried? Not at all because I was sure it must have been the too much sweat that came as a result of walking so many kilometers in the afternoon.

The day came to an end and we went back home. On arrival, I changed into my white night dress without taking a shower due to how exhausted I was. I was asleep as early as 7.30p.m, deep and peaceful in my dream world. The following day I was awake by 6 in the morning ( have always been an early riser even when I did not have anything to do) but on this very morning, I did not feel okay. I felt weird and uncomfortable as if I had peed myself. It cannot be possible though because I had stopped wetting my bed years ago when I was in grade three and now I was in grade seven. Just to be sure I stood up on my bed and did a thorough inspection only to get the shock of my life. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Such a moment was when I wished my eyes were just but playing tricks on me. If anything, I touched and smelled what I was seeing just to be completely sure that it was indeed real even though it was crystal clear. My very first menstrual cycle was here with me!

To be continued……

The post MY FIRST TIME appeared first on .