March 2, 2020 0 By Davin kerubo Ombui

There comes a time when you build a wall. An attitude is created to show the world how strong you’re. The barriers make you comfortable if someone tries to break in then that’s a mistake. Life to you becomes self centred for love is not life in your case. Trying to look for console in petty things and really derive pleasure in them.

Men,have dealt with me and when I say so,let it not be a cliché to you. Love is just another word in my dictionary only the literal part makes sense to me. Does this feeling really exist? How would you know that’s love which you sharing with your partner? How would you know that you’re in love? Which signs show that either you or your partner is truly in love? Once I thought I knew the real meaning of love but I was wrong maybe it was just lust. They all proved to me love doesn’t exist it’s just another vocabulary they use to please the ears and to finally get what was intended to be gained.

I always went so deep quick that my mind couldn’t think properly. All I did was to obey and do all things to ensure what I had built wouldn’t end. I felt that this ‘relationship’ was meant for the two of us. Sleepless nights because I missed his touch knowing I was meant to be with him yet I was in my bed lying alone. In his side he let this ‘love’ to fade away he just let me go by going to a new fresh start in just a wink of an eye. I didn’t want to believe that and each time he pushed me away I would always fight back for I couldn’t let myself to admit the truth. Thinking that he was meant to be with me yet this was a hopeless love that I had hold unto not knowing how I was going to collect my pieces and just elevate myself to move on.

This passed and I thought to myself I should probably move on because this loneliness was not an easy thing to deal with. This new one looked like that Mr. Right I was looking for all along. I was desperate until I decide to act as a house wife. Damn! I was hard on myself thinking I was the problem in my past relationship, I was so insecure. This had to work just as soon I was into it thinking all was well it slipped away from me without noticing I fell again and again. He turned out to be the wrong one maybe,I was not his match or maybe love wasn’t meant for me it hasn’t gotten along my way.

Life has to move on but I am still stuck in that same spot fear surrounds me. I cried my tears dry and at this point I really don’t care anymore just been on my own all these sleepless nights. My dream guy was crushed long ago and though friends have tried to hook me up but each time I always give excuses just not to go. I’ve many male friends but working to get love has never been a task i want to get along with. No, I don’t get along with love that’s how am reminded constantly whenever I dare think about going past that flirting.

People have judged me wrongly each time I say I am single. I’m given options it’s either I am a drunk, an addict, a slut or worst am a lesbian who doesn’t want the world to know. If say none of the above then I’m questioned because am so beautiful to be single. How will I tell them I’m a mess? How will i tell them being alone is better? How will I tell them food is bae?